I've been watching "the grizzly man diaries" the mini series about Timothy Treadwell a quite eccentric man who dedicated his life to observing/understanding/protecting wildlife.
I turned it on as background noise while i wrote my paper and completely expected to find it ridiculous... but it's actually quite beautiful. He came back to the same spot for 13 years in a row, and every year the same fox acted as his best friend. Following him around, leading him places, telling him things.
And as I looked over at my cute sleeping golden bundle, I couldn't help but understand this eccentric mans love of the playful animal.

Oh Grace. She is just so great. I swear she recaptures my heart over and over. I think I realized that she is the purest form of me. We have so many of the same weird tenancies and weakness'. Yet she doesnt have the sore/ugly parts of me. I just need her. Not to mention, we both also love Aaron to death. It's assumed that her place is directly between us at all times. Goofball, she has the biggest crush on him. If I walk through the house without him, she just about loses it, yet she has him wrapped around her paw.

I love watching them, I love them interacting, I love that they love each other. I just love our little family, and at this point I want nothing more than to move and be married and with them all day.
<3 <3 <3

*Always Love Photography and Design*

Thank you to my dear friend Katie for these beautiful pictures.

:D

The best part? We are completely as happy as we look :)
177 Days
*Ever Mine, Ever Thine, Ever Ours*

rain.

Oh rain where have you been?
----
Running in the rain does so many things:
Hides my tears.
Blinds me enough that I can pretend I'm running to any of the many places I wish I was.
No one in CA is outside when it rains, so when I collapse from exhaustion and complete inability to go on, no one calls an ambulance.

I swear as long as it kept raining I could have ran home. But then, I remembered what it felt like for my body to be dying.. not emotionally, but physically, I started coughing so hard again, and just couldn't bear to make my family deal with me in the hospital again. So I started home.

Culmination of my break down? I dont understand how to be in love with a God who forgives people like that. And im not sure how to start again.

A God who lets them go on wrecking other peoples lives, and when I finally get rid of them. That type of person is suddenly introduced back into my life, to deal with on a daily basis.

Meanwhile, me and everyone I love have to go through life thinking how much better it would be if the people we love weren't gone for no earthly or sensical reason.

This unfair world where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, where the most successful people are those who never look over their shoulders to notice the suffering of anyone else.

Truthfully,
I was doing fine with it for the most part, until I had to give up surrendering myself. Throwing all my shit on one person semi-annually was therapeutic in the fact that it never affected anyone but me. Not having any room for weakness in my life is literally killing me.

I dont understand. I want to be doing better. I dont want to be weak. But some nights, God, I just dont understand anything.

help.

Halfway around the world
Lies the one thing that you want
Buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down
First thing that arises in your mind while you awake
Bending you til you break
Let me hold you now

Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Baby don't forget
You haven't lost it all yet

Don't know what your made of
Til the one thing that you want
To come in with the dawn and suddenly changes
Monday, syndicate me, its everyone the same
But all we've lost to the flame
Listen to me now

Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Don't ever forget
We haven't lost it all yet
All we know for sure
Is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet

Someday when this is over
We mix it up, no answer
For now its when I hold her
We are closer, we are closer
We are closer, we are closer

Back by popular demand!

Sorry folks, my creative juices have been tied up/used/and all around drained by the wedding. I mean, I've come up with some pretty amazing stuff, but it leaves my blog looking dead and rather abandoned and dead. (It isnt really true, I love you bloggggg.)

Okay, So I figured there has to be some sort of magic recipe to making you all like my blog again so first I'm going to unashamedly post ridiculously cute pictures of the type of dog we are getting in the spring:

Completely free of guilt

This really isnt a cheap scam...

Okay feeling a little guilty, but OMGTHEYARESOCUUUTE!

Yes, aaron and I are on a waiting list for the (second) cutest puppy I've ever seen. (Next to grace, who is sitting on my bed looking at me with a mixture of hunger and bitterness that I can only imagine will end in me losing a limb)
Hopefully we will get said puppy this June. Horray for happy little families!

Speaking of which... Here is me shamelessly addressing how cute aaron and I are.

Okay, now that that is all done. I will make one final attempt by sharing with you all one of the most embarrassing and ridiculous stories of my life.

Okay so I went out with my roommates and had a couple, then Aaron and I came back to my house long enough for me to take my sleeping meds and completely pass out in bed. The last sighting of me was by aaron before he went home, and I was safely in bed asleep.
Well.... The next thing anyone knew.. which was me.. I was face flat on my floor with a 5 foot dresser collapsed on me and a television on my head.
And I swear I do not remember a thing.
Yes, by all definitions I was nearly assassinated by my drawers.
I have no idea how this happened exactly, but all I can say is that if you can at all avoid this happening to you, you should try, as it's painful.
My best guess is that I got up and pulled out one of my drawers causing the weight to distribute wrong and for it to tip over, then the TV which sits on top of it fell onto my head knocking me unconscious. Which would explain the massive headache I've had and the bruises and drawer marks all over my body.
Please reread this and with a picture of me waking up covered in various clothes and Nintendo gaming systems, and having NO idea whats going on.

Ok, well.. that's all the shamelessness I have for the night, plus I have research papers to write and a headache the size of..well a dresser.
Here's hoping you all like me again!

Where I have been.

Well I have pretty much spent the last month driving across the country, eating vegan food for 2 weeks as an experiment, then getting pneumonia and a kidney infection, being in the hospital for an entire week, attempting to get better only to get bronchitis, and now trying to be productive in my first weeks of school.

So there hasn't really been much to write about, aside from a detailed report on the various ER's/hospital rooms I've experienced.

It's been a challenge, a difficult one. I know I wouldnt have gotten through it if it wasn't for Aaron, and my family. I'm so thankful to finally be on the mend, but I would REALLY REALLY like to get back to normal life.

Whatever that is exactly.

I think I'm only writing because I feel reclused from everyone today. It's my own fault, I know. But there's so much I want to say, and cant. Where is all that supposed to go? Somedays the number of answers I dont have really gets to me. But scars heal. And one day, none of this will hurt at all. At least, that's what I pray for.

I feel entirely different then the last time I posted here.

Probably cause I am I suppose.
:D

We're engaged :D I'm so excited for April 9th I could just squeal. So much to do, but seriously I am just elated to be his.

My life is so amazing!

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



That's all for now. Stay Tuned!

A love that stands above the lies.

6 July, morning

My angel, my all, my own self — only a few words today, and that too with pencil (with yours) — only till tomorrow is my lodging definitely fixed. What abominable waste of time in such things — why this deep grief, where necessity speaks?

Can our love persist otherwise than through sacrifices, than by not demanding everything? Canst thou change it, that thou are not entirely mine, I not entirely thine? Oh, God, look into beautiful Nature and compose your mind to the inevitable. Love demands everything and is quite right, so it is for me with you, for you with me — only you forget so easily, that I must live for you and for me — were we quite united, you would notice this painful feeling as little as I should . . .

. . . We shall probably soon meet, even today I cannot communicate my remarks to you, which during these days I made about my life — were our hearts close together, I should probably not make any such remarks. My bosom is full, to tell you much — there are moments when I find that speech is nothing at all. Brighten up — remain my true and only treasure, my all, as I to you. The rest the gods must send, what must be for us and shall.

Your faithful

Ludwig

Monday evening, 6 July

You suffer, you, my dearest creature. Just now I perceive that letters must be posted first thing early. Mondays — Thursdays — the only days, when the post goes from here to K. You suffer — oh! Where I am, you are with me, with me and you, I shall arrange that I may live with you. What a life!

So! Without you — pursued by the kindness of the people here and there, whom I mean — to desire to earn just as little as they earn — humility of man towards men — it pains me — and when I regard myself in connection with the Universe, what I am, and what he is — whom one calls the greatest — and yet — there lies herein again the godlike of man. I weep when I think you will probably only receive on Saturday the first news from me — as you too love — yet I love you stronger — but never hide yourself from me. Good night — as I am taking the waters, I must go to bed. Oh God — so near! so far! Is it not a real building of heaven, our Love — but as firm, too, as the citadel of heaven.

Good morning, on 7 July

Even in bed my ideas yearn towards you, my Immortal Beloved, here and there joyfully, then again sadly, awaiting from Fate, whether it will listen to us. I can only live, either altogether with you or not at all. Yes, I have determined to wander about for so long far away, until I can fly into your arms and call myself quite at home with you, can send my soul enveloped by yours into the realm of spirits — yes, I regret, it must be. You will get over it all the more as you know my faithfulness to you; never another one can own my heart, never — never! O God, why must one go away from what one loves so, and yet my life in W. as it is now is a miserable life. Your love made me the happiest and unhappiest at the same time. At my actual age I should need some continuity, sameness of life — can that exist under our circumstances? Angel, I just hear that the post goes out every day — and must close therefore, so that you get the L. at once. Be calm — love me — today — yesterday.

What longing in tears for you — You — my Life — my All — farewell. Oh, go on loving me — never doubt the faithfullest heart

Of your beloved

L

Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.

I see it now.

Your small mindedness is appealing.

I always guessed you were pretty dense. But I'm glad I got a one on one chat.
I hate people who choose to be victims. Pretend they know nothing that's going on while others are ripped to shreds so that when it happens to them they can say "I never saw this coming, this is horrible"
I played that game once, I know how it works.

You are the worst kind of coward. Hiding from the truth.
But go ahead act like you didn't see what you did, and take it out on me. I'm built for it. It won't make anything any better though.
Good Luck.

First this, cause im an addict.

Also. DON'T MESS WITH MY FRIENDS IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF. BADLY.
Oh and you can get hit by a bus. If your reading this. I'm done.

I can't always be waiting on you...

i need your arms around me, i need to feel your touch
i need your understanding, i need your love so much
you tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
but when i need you baby, you're never there


on the phone long, long distance
always through such strong resistance
first you say you're too busy
i wonder if you even miss me


never there
you're never there
you're never, ever, ever, ever there


a golden bird that flies away, a candle's fickle flame
to think i held you yesterday, your love was just a game
a golden bird that flies away, a candle's fickle flame
to think i held you yesterday, your love was just a game

you tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
but when i need you baby
take the time to get to know me
if you want me why can't you just show me
we're always on this roller coaster
if you want me why can't you get closer?


never there
you're never there
you're never ever ever ever there

HAH!

The fact that one of my roommates posted this and all my other roommates liked it, makes me believe... this is going to be an amazing year. HAHAHA

If you forget me.

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

The Gardener

I long to speak the deepest words I have to say to you; but I
dare not, for fear you should laugh.
That is why I laugh at myself and shatter my secret in jest.
I make light of my pain, afraid you should do so.

I long to tell you the truest words I have to say to you; but I
dare not, being afraid that you would not believe them.
That is why I disguise them in untruth, saying the contrary of
what I mean.
I make my pain appear absurd, afraid that you should do so.

I long to use the most precious words I have for you; but I dare
not, fearing I should not be paid with like value.
That is why I gave you hard names and boast of my callous
strength.
I hurt you, for fear you should never know any pain.

I long to sit silent by you; but I dare not lest my heart come
out at my lips.
That is why I prattle and chatter lightly and hide my heart
behind words.
I rudely handle my pain, for fear you should do so.

I long to go away from your side; but I dare not, for fear my
cowardice should become known to you.
That is why I hold my head high and carelessly come into your
presence.
Constant thrusts from your eyes keep my pain fresh for ever.

The words she knows, the tune she hums.

I'll scream into the nothingness.

Cannot Freaking Wait. :D

THIS AINT SEAWORRRRRRRRLD.. ok maybe it is...

<3 <3 <3 all my visitors.

Anti-Niavity?

Relationships that start with emails to the entire family. Well... this is different. :)

We had many talks about the past, the one we experienced together and the ones we went through apart, and even though nothing erases all of the terrible memories that both hold, we were able to connect and work through things in a way that makes me very comfortable with all the different aspects of my life.
It's a strange peace, but I still feel it.

I'll stop the world and melt with you. :)