Keep Breathing, Keep Reading, Keep Running....

Well, I'm stressed out....Last night I lifted, did 40 minutes of abs, and ran a mile, and yet still couldn't exhaust my self enough to sleep without terrible dreams...
Ive been getting a ton done but there is so much more to do... Not only do I have exams and 22 hours of work waiting for me next week, but also I get to pack all of my belongings in a storage space for the summer with no car...hmm this should be interesting.
I just got out of class, and now get to run to work, then a Euroterm meeting, then a group date apparently, I have no idea when I'll be home. Plus I have a paper to write, a quiz to study for, and exam that needs to be reviewed for...Plus I just found out i'm failing my retard class, because my prof doesn't know how to teach...awesome. And sis graduates on saturday...theres a lot to do before then...

BUT! (stop and breathe...)
Here is a nice reminder from my dear friend Clive, that life goes a lot better when you stop thinking about yourself all the time.

"Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your Life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fiber of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in."

Wow..hello emo post...this music attacked me tonight..

FYI
I post music on here, because I do not have a computer, and at the moment putting them on here is the only way I can listen to them from multiple comps.

And with that,

This song made me cry yesterday. At work.
awesome.

"Meet me once again
Down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin
Down with the wind
And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life

I'm gonna get there soon
You're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room
Prayin' Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon"

Then when I was looking up that one, and managed to not cry...I clicked on a related link and heard this one...no such luck...
This song is amazing, Im pretty sure that if I could belt out a song right now I would be belting this...

Let me hold you
For the last time
It’s the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can’t feel anything

When I love you
It’s so untrue
I can’t even convince myself
When I’m speaking
It’s the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it’s not enough
To make it all okay

You can’t play on broken strings
You can’t feel anything
That your heart don’t want to feel
I can’t tell you something that ain’t real

Oh the truth hurts
A lie is worse
I can’t like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there’s nothing left to save
It’s like chasing the very last train
When it’s too late

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it’s not enough
To make it all okay

You can’t play our broken strings
You can’t feel anything
That your heart don’t want to feel
I can’t tell you something that ain’t real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can’t like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before

But we’re running through the fire
When there’s nothing left to say
It’s like chasing the very last train
When we both know it’s too late

You can’t play our broken strings
You can’t feel anything
That your heart don’t want to feel
I can’t tell you something that ain’t real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can’t like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before
Oh and I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It’s the last chance to feel again

An e-mail I got today...

Wow..Idk, just wow...

"FYI We are sending you a package, it is an empty box for your computer.

Also the current on Campus addresses your ph# is listed as 517 285 3259, the lady in Michigan says she still gets text messages for you.



Mail Services

Ext 2299



God Bless"

I might add that this is another encounter with HP, and a serious pain in the butt..
and my number?! Really?
Lol..idk..

"You'd better blog about me..."- Ericka "Maybe it would be better if you didnt blog about this..."- Annie

As this was said to me yesterday, it has to be true...

LOL
Ericka and I had a GREAT date day yesterday...made me pretty darn happy. We went to OB, and got Acai bowls (Which are God greatest gift to man, FYI) Then sat on the beach and talked about life.
It was pretty great.





As I announce "Hey we should go back and make spiral mac and cheese and have a date night"
and we decide that this is going to be the best day ever...we walk past these 4 guys on the sidewalk..
"Hey there girls whats up"
"Nothing.."
"You want to play tackle frisbee"
"No no, we're good" (walks away)
"You sure??? Cause see you could tackle me....then I could tackle you...."


omg we were lucky we made it into the store, we were laughing SO hard.

Yeah so then we watched Sex and the City, which was as ridiculous the second time as the first. And ate our "Hot pot, spiral mac and cheese" which is just amazing...
Then we did a bit of hw, and we're going to go to bed...well Ericka did, but Annie came to see me and we ended up having an adventure of our own...

I had a bit of a nervous breakdown, and like the good friend she is, she came to get me and took me to 7-11 to get hot chocolate, and resolve all problems.
So while we are there..she manages to spill her hot coco ALL OVER EVERYTHING, in an attempt to retrieve the perfect donut. So we get our crap in order and head up to make out point to drink our heaven and eat donut...turned out to be quite and experience...

"Guy behind the counter is all eye'in me like "STUPID DRUNK TEENAGERS JACKIN UP MY STORE...Why does everyone assume that im drunk???"
"Alright leslie, lets go talk about our hatred of guys, and sometimes life... and gravity..I really hate gravity..."

Then somehow everything we said became REALLY REALLY DIRTY...well it kinda happened like this..

"Omg this donut is the best thing ever, its better than sex"
"Oh for sure better than sex"
*looks at each other.. than at the donut*
"This is our sex..."
"Well..We are at makeout point"
"OMG AND THE WINDOWS ARE FOGGY!"
"Whats in it?"
"Nothing..Life...air..."
"NO THERES CUSTARD...I TOLD YOU THERE WAS SOMETHING IN IT!"
"Ew sick its drippy"
"It doesnt matter...Omg this is sooo good"
"Please dont mind the noises my stomach is making"
"Its all good, its the sounds of desire, you cant help it"
"Ohhh the sounds of desire"
"Do you think they can hear us?"
"Probably I mean you were kind of screaming a second ago..."

*Car drives up..lights shine in the car*
Annie - "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!!? Yes, shes my girlfriend, love it...be jealous."


Theres more, but my mom reads this...sooo ya know..
lol
GREAT NIGHT.

<3 my girls.. a lot
Thanks ;)

Keep Running, then you have to keep breathing...right?

Ive ran...A Lot...of miles...

And there are songs that I run to...Its helps...
especially when I'm stuck asking questions that I never got answers to...
Lifes not fair..

Running Soundtrack



*I put my trust in you, pushed as far as I could go, and for all this, theres only one thing you should know...*


*All I have to say is goodbye*


*These wounds they will not heal...*

Forget it.

I give up today. Ive tried everything, and nothing is working, all I want to do is sleep. I once again spent a stress filled day trying to be everything everyone needs, and I have no more strength. So not that you even read this, because you don't apparently understand how i communicate. But I don't have the strength to call you today. Ill be in my room. You can call me.(that message might need to get passed along...)
I am exhausted too.
And sick of knowing that my attempts are not enough.
I spent an hour staring at my NROTC application today...

Happy Monday Everyone.

"You dont know what your made of till the one thing that you want is comin' with the dawn, and suddenly changes.."

I dont think I ever really knew what exactly a broken heart was until tonight when it stared me right in the face.
I find that it comes when: you have done everything and given everything, and you realize it wasnt enough to save the person you loved most. Whether this is seen through a family that loses a love one to sickness, a father crying over his broken child,a daughter who realizes that despite her best efforts she cant keep her family together, or just an idiot who loved the wrong person and got to watch him leave. Theres just nothing you could have done.

Its terrible.
You cry for what you think is hours, until you realize its been weeks, you cant really eat, or you cant stop eating, you sleep for a few hours, or sometimes literally days, depending on how your dreaming. Then you get past the inital phase and you start to make progress, like you arent a total fragile worthless ball of emotion, then you start alowing yourself to think about what you lost for only a few minutes, and then you run..and you run for miles and hours hoping to forget what you just let yourself think about, that maybe the tears and pain will stay where your last steps were, and you wont have to feel them. And you go on adventures, and climb buildings, and meet new people, and swim in oceans, and feel breezes, and laugh and love.
You start to think that maybe itll be ok, then you realize (or at least I was 'Lucky' enought to realize) that you still have to suffer the conciquences for everything you gave. See apparently it wasnt enough to have to get put through an emotional blender, I also have to be bludgened to death by the constant reminder of the ways I tried to give everything. I'm sorry, but sometimes you just have to realize that YOU CANT UNDERSTAND IT. YOU WERENT THERE. THIS ISNT HOW YOUR SUPPOSED TO TREAT SOMEONE YOU LOVE, AND WHO LOVES YOU.
Life isnt fair, so stop seeking justice from people who have nothing left.


However, there was more than one realization tonight,Cause tonight I needed to help someone else, tonight I saw the look on someone elses face, that I had worn for months, and I knew what to do for them.
Shut up.
Dont pretend you know what they are thinking.
Give them chocolate.
Make them do their homework.
Kiss them on the forehead.
Then Let them sleep.

I knew this because it was what I had needed. However, it didnt stop me from running out the door as soon as I had put her to bed, and I kept running for about two miles until the crying caught up to me anyway. Apparently seeing someone else with a broken heart, breaks yours back open a little...

I dont think I should live on the edge of a cliff anymore. Cause its just added temptation on days where getting out of bed REALLY does not seem worth it.
I am stronger, I really am. But I cant keep getting thrown into this, I need someone who understands. And seeing as the person who should, doesnt give a shit, and everyone else wants to pretend they know whats going on and judge me for it, Im just not going to have that. So I guess Jason Mraz and I will just have to get along by ourselves...

Oh weekends...ow my knee :P

So this was one of the best weekends yet...How I love the adventures of college.
<3
Well this weekend was the hall's GYRAD...It was kind of massively stressful before hand...but I think most all of us had fun, and are kind of glad its overwith now...

So to begin with, I got Trisha a date with a guy named AJ who is just hillarious/really sweet, great for Trisha....and Trisha got me a date with a guy named Graham, who is in my Sociology class 3 times a week, and we had never met before, kinda funny...But He was great and funny, and the night was pretty awesome.
So..
Trisha, Sarah, Natalie, Me, and all of our dates were planning on riding the shuttle to the date because none of us "had cars" Well we got to the shuttle only to realize that 3 of us actually had cars, and that the shuttle was a horrible idea...So since

Graham didnt want to drive "turbo" (his named car that will be highlighted later in the story) as someone had recently driven turbo over a small cliff, (LOL) we rode in sarah and sarah's dates cars...well Paul (sarahs date) only has two seats, so Graham and I volunteer to take those spots.. So within 5 minutes of this date, im literally squished in the middle of a manual transmittion truck with my date and another guy Ive never met before, and sitting ON my date everytime Paul has to shift into reverse (it became a joke rather quickly)
Then we get there, with the massive amounts of people who were also on the "Freak Seek" And proceed to search for dressed up members of 3rd North, and ask them if they were "the freak we seek." In about 30 seconds it became very clear that as a memeber of the PLNU Basketball AND track teams, Graham was not accustomed to losing...so we ran.. A LOT. But sadly we did not find enough freaks, and I was left to heal poor Grahams heart....
But this is the whole crew...


And this is the "Tall Couple, Short Couple" Shot that Graham and his roommate Grant, wanted to take..



And Megan, Trisha, and I


SO..we got food, then went to get frozen yogurt, where most of us bonded, and 3 of our dates decided to become very interesting in "Planet Earth" Where a family of seals fought off an aligator...yeah it was interesting? lol
We then went back to campus to get ready to go hottubbing and rode in the aforementioned "Turbo" Now turbo has rules..."you must always where saftey glasses..."Ones that look like this...

Check out AJ's, hes in the back with Trisha, and I literally cannot look at him without laughing anymore.

Also the rules "No Rap"
And "No matter what happens, you may never EVER press the white button"
*havent got a chance to try that yet, but you know im going to soon...lol*

On the way there Graham was playing "Syndicate" by the Fray, I made it through the entire song, and didnt get the slightest bit sad, which was a HUGE acheivement...So I make a comment like "gotta love the Fray" and its then that I learned that I was on a date with someone who "If you exagerate a little, and shorten the story a lot" played in the Fray. LOL Actually its pretty sweet, Graham went to school with the fray, they played in his high school's worship band, and he took over drums after they left, so when they'd come back for reunions he got to play with them...It was pretty much the greatest claim to fame Ive ever heard...
Then we went hottubbing, and kinda broke into the hilton, not going to lie its kinda handy having a date who can literally jump a fence in one try to let us in...we were there for like 4 hours, and played numerous games and told super fun scar stories, it was pretty great.

Than apparently this date STILL wasnt long enough, so we went to the park above Fermanian, where everyone gets married, and set up camp with snacks, movies, and sleeping bags, and were there for another 3 hours attempting to watch "Sahara." It was weird, cause I remember the first time I watched it, it being on the side of a house and being VERY loud, and this time it was on a computer and we couldnt hear it...lol. And when the computer died, Grant gave us the awesome rendition of the ending with Dirk, "Jessica" and "Newiski", he made up something about the chick in the movie actually being pregnant, pretty sure thats not how the end of the movie goes, but ya know what ever. We had fun taking rediculous pictures anyway, and until the sprinklers came on and totally soaked us (they come on at 4am at fermaninan..good to know) we were pretty comfy..





Great night...
____________________________________________________________________________________

So then you think.."Big Friday, Uneventful Relaxing Saturday" right? No, not even close...So I wake up late, and get a bunch of stuff done before work, then the "Dodgeball Tournament" was last night, pretty awesome, tons of free food, and forzen yogurt, (Plus as I was "on duty" I got paid to eat free food, that was pretty bomb")
Then Grant finds us again and is like "Hey we should go on an adventure later"
So yeah I love adventures that START at 1 am..lol
So we climbed buildings...yes climbed buildings, I thought for sure I was going to get fired...I didnt...But we did a lot of hiding, and got a LOT of bruises...
We climbed Nicholson first, which involved a lot of near death experiences, such as being hoiseted from were lauren took this next picture..up to where grant is,..by grant...it was pretty hillarious..

*Injury report*
From this "hoisting" I have bruised ribs, broke a blood vessel in my stomach, smashed my knee cap on a wall, and scratched both of my wrist in a manner that makes me look a bit suicidal...
BUT we got great pics...lol
Campus looks great from up here....


Some shots were we were supposed to be "Sleeping" and "look at the person to our left as if they are out lovers" - grant..lol didnt work out so well.




This was because Grant was trying to get us to take pictures as he yelled out senerios...this one was "You walked in on old people having sex" Apparently Trisha and Lauren would have been laughing..ahaha



These next ones were sweet, we totally climbed the trelis outside of the library...yep super fun.



Then we climbed Brown Chapel, and all layed on eachothers stomachs and played the "Ha" game, where you have to say Ha and then try not to laugh histerically, but it never works, especally not at 4am..so we are feeling eachother laugh and Grants on my stomach and says "You dont really puff when you laugh, you clench every once in a while" And I was like " yeah I tend to flex my abs when I laugh"
Megan - "DID YOU JUST SAY YOU CLENCH YOUR ASS?"
Me - "No ABS!, HAHA or maybe both?!?!?"
Grant - "Alright! Well everyone flip this thing over and we'll check it out!"
hahaha

Then somehow we start talking about Nutella, and Grant gets all pissed off because when he lived in Kenya, that was all he could eat, they didnt have regular Peanut butter, this is kinda what happened,
Megan- YOU DONT LIKE NUTELLA??? Its like Sex in a jar!"
Leslie - " haha Grants thinking 'Gee I sure hope not, NUTELLA SUCKS"
yeah the laughter that ensued after was enough to wake the entire campus...


So then we break INTO the chapel and wander for a bit, then head back to our rooms and Trisha and I start to get ready for bed, when we realize that the sun is coming up...so we make "melty cheese, and turkey sandwhiches ("churkey sammiches" as we actually called them) sit on our beds and have fun roommate bonding time, then head off to bed...

Great Great Weekend. I have to say, having this week to just be me and not worry about anyone else, made me super glad Im here. :D

A Feminist Rant, a Dedication to Those Who Have Gone, and a Visit From Mr. Lewis...

I'm so sick of this. This is the only place or time in my life where I wish I was completely alone in how I felt, because that would mean that other girls were spared the kind of pain that I have gone through. But I am fairly certain that all girls 11 years of age, should be forced to take a "You are better than this" class.

Im sick of having my friends come to me at the end/breaking point of a relationship, and have a conversation with me about how empty they feel inside. Then reaching back a little ways in the relationship to discover the point of "giving up" the point where fighting the constant battle of purity and their boyfriends, simply did not become worth it anymore. I mean really its completely exhausting, because we are fighting against the world.

At one point in a recent conversation, it was expressed like this;
"Seriously, its such a game, I mean you have date after date where you just try to have fun, but the last date is weighing on your mind, and the only reason you have to be pushing his hand away, is the fact that "you want to be more" but how petty does that sound? Especially when you have someone continuously telling you that you are "more" to him. So you go through months of a relationship, where this pressure is there, and your trying to hide from all of the other girls that you know, because if they even know you are struggling with it your going to get labeled a "slut", and your boyfriend is sick of you going through the motions, as now you are letting him have what he wants but he can tell you don't even want it, because you aren't trying, and it's "all him". But you think the fight is worth it, until one day you're in the grocery store and you look at a cover of a magazine, and realize that even standing in line, your boyfriend is seeing more of someone else than he ever has seen of you...
So whats the point? Its not that big of a deal, and heck, its for him right, so you go through the motions pretending that this is who you want to be, and pretending to all your Church and Girl - friends that its not what you are, until such a point as you are pretending so much that you have no idea who you actually are, or what you were ever fighting for. It simply becomes the business of "the relationship" one where it is no ones business but your's and his, and its what is necessary to keep your little world stable."

Then when its all over, we discovered, you're left to deal with the "morality" lectures and you feel more and more like crap about yourself, because you've lost so many pieces along the way and no one has ever really cared enough to pick them up for you.

When does this become fair? When is it that a girl who "wants to be more" will have a place in society? I'm not saying that all guys want this for their girlfriends, but i'm saying, that until they allow us to stop feeling like we are competing against every picture/movie/random waitress that walks by, its never going to get any easier...

Oh and in case you thought you were better...Its actually a lot WORSE, when you continuously tell someone they are the world to you, only to do something that proves you never gave a shit to begin with.
But I want to thank those in my life who have done that to me...because as much as I probably won't ever have a stable relationship, at least now I have good chances of earning a substantial salary as a psychologist/book writer on the subject.

From my good friend Clive Staples....
Exactly my point:
"In the first place our warped nature, the devils who tempt us, and all the contemporary propaganda for lust, combine to make us feel that the desires we are resisting are so "natural", so "healthy," and so reasonable. that it is almost perverse and abnormal to resist them. Poster after poster, film after film, novel after novel, associate the idea of sexual indulgence with the ideas of health, youth, normality, frankness, and good humor. Now this association is a lie..."

But about having to hide from everyone else, who is anyone to be judging?
"..The sins of the flesh are bad, but the least bad of all the sins. All the worst pleasures are purely spiritual: the pleasure of putting other people in the wrong, of bossing, and patronizing, and spoiling sport, and back-biting, and pleasures of power, of hatred. For there are two things inside me, competing with the human self which I must try to become. They are the animal self, and the diabolical self. The diabolical self is worse of the two. That is why a cold, self-righteous prig who goes to church regularly may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute. But, of course it is better to be neither."

-C.S Lewis "Mere Christianity"

This was another crazy california day.

Since when do I run? Holy crap, I have ran 7 miles in the last week and done 950 crunches?!?!?!? Which means I surpassed my goal...and AND I walked 16 miles on top of that on Saturday....I also lifted for about 45 minutes yesterday.

Also, I worked today, and KICKED SOME SERIOUS BUTT IN MY LIT. DEBATE :)
I actually ran into Ashton today (who is in my class) at Starbucks with Annie and she was like. "Hey, you were magnificent today!" I thought she was making a sexual reference cause she tends to do that, so I was like "ha ha w.e Ashton" and she was like "no, im serious, you kicked ass in class today."
Its really only because I get so frustrated with people who are retarded, that I keep everything i WANT to say, and wait and organize it, and then save it for the end of their senseless rant, then i clear my throat and deliver it. (I learned this trick partially from my father, and partially from dealing with idiot(s) for the last year solid) :D
So today, In about 1.75 minutes, I managed to hand deliver a can of woop-ass on my view of pre-destination, and whether other religions can find salvation...it started with *clears throat* "Yeah, well forgive me if I'm confused, but Im going to try to get back to the topic at hand as I think we were a bit off *smiles at retard chick who has been rambling incoherently for the last 6 minutes*

Then had a work meeting, and then Annie and I went another adventure, we walked to Dennys and back, and stopped for about an hour at the church swing set and had a serious heart to heart. It was pretty awesome, at one point she told me that we are going to make a "lifetime movie" out of my life.
"You know leslie, those movies that you watch and think, 'bahahaha that never happens' OH! except in your life apparently it does. =P
"Your going to be the best phsycologist ever, because someone is going to come to you and be like 'Omg your NOT going to believe this' and your going to be like 'nope I can top it'

She may be a little harsh, but she loves me..:D It was actually a really good conversation, it really tied up some things for me...and for a change I was able to help someone else. She really is proud of me, shes excited that I pulled myself out of this, and that Im "the happiest Ive ever seen you, and you did that. YOU and God..and someday your going to be faced with this again, and you're going to be like, 'God, Im not going back there' and hes going to be like "oh no you're not missy!' I love her...

Well HAPPY MAY EVERYBODY! Happy Birthday Daddy! Happy new month, and end of the school year...wow it went fast..or horribly slow..depends how I look at it.

Tomorrow is the day, I don't know whether i am more excited or nervous, but I'm both right now. Apparently I'm the luckiest girl on the hall."Seriously he is so hot Leslie, I cant believe it" I swear if I hear that one more time...
GAH!

Im going to attempt to sleep, I feel completely retarded right now...haha

<3 to everyone!
I miss you..



OH! And this was hilarious, Annie was TRYING to scare the crap out of me, but little spastic friend she is, it went a little bit awry...


There was also a conversation that went something like this...

Me (confiding in a friend about fears of the future) -"Annie, I don't know, sometimes I think that because of everything that happened, Im not going to be able to fully let this go"
Annie (on a bit of a rant) - "Oh ok, yes this is good, lets entertain this thought for a bit, lets see..oh wait EXCEPT HE WONT STOP UNTIL HE RUINS YOUR LIFE, AND CAUSES YOU TO THROW YOURSELF OF A CLIFF TO COLLECT THE LIFE INSURANCE..
Me - "Umm Annie WTH!?!?!?!!?"
Annie (paying no attention to my reaction) - "....AND LOCKS YOUR INNOCENT DAUGHTER IN A CAGE IN YOUR BASEMENT AND YOU WONT BE THEIR TO ANSWER HER CALLS FOR HELP...
Me - "UHHHHH.....annie?!?!?!" *tears up with fear*
Annie (Still not paying attention)- "....Think about your daughter, poor little Suzie....DOES THAT SOUND GOOD... IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!?!?!"
Me -"Annnniiiiieee..."
Annie - "Yeah, yeah, thats what I thought....*FINALLY turns around to look at me* OMG ARE YOU CRYING, IM SOOOOOO SORRY.. I guess I got a little carried away on that whole "Lifetime Movie" bit..."

bahahahahahahahahahah
hahaha
ha
aha

Oh the attempts of friends...

I hate close minded people with VERY OPEN MOUTHS..

Oh to be in the world of literature debating again..only this time its battling out about C.S Lewis, so there's the whole moral aspect in there as well. I just really get sick of people monopolizing the discussion with worthless tidbits they picked up from their close minded, doctrine-less, non-denominational, mega-church, youth groups....hwgoiwhgoihwo/g

Yes, I'm frustrated...Ive literally had more intriguing conversations with the homeless people I help feed on weds. At least they are open to the thought that what they believe is not the only thing that can be correct.

I, however, love C.S Lewis...hes proof to me that the best believers are those that doubted for the longest time, then got knocked on their butts one day (a la, Ruth, the thief next to Christ on the cross, and Paul)Cause once they start believing, it rocks the earth, forms the church, and gives way to some of the greatest work God is able to do through people. And C.S Lewis was about as sound of an atheist as it gets, till with the help of his good friend J.R.R Tolkien, reading D.K Chesterton,and the realization that nothing else makes sense, rocked and changed his world.

We are reading Mere Christianity right now, and I love the simplicity of it. I had no idea but this book was actually a series of lectures he read via radio to England in WWII. Its exactly what it claims, an explanation of Christianity in its simplest form. One that claims to know not much, but has inarguable proof for the little that it must know. Its beauty lies in its simplicity, that's what I have found at least.

But supposing God became a man, suppose our human nature which can suffer and die was amalgamated with God's nature in one person, then that person could help us. He could surrender His will, and suffer and die, be cause He was a man; and He could do it perfectly because He was God. You and I can go through this process only if God does it in us, but God can do it only if he becomes a man. Our attempts at this dying will only succeed only if we men share in God's dying, just as our thinking can succeed only because it is a drop out of the ocean of his intelligence: but we cannot share God's dying unless he dies; and He cannot die except by being man. That is a sense in which He pays our debt, and suffers for us what he himself need not suffer at all.
I have heard some people complain that if Jesus was God as well as man, than his sufferings and death lose all value in their eyes, "because it must have been so easy for Him.' Others may (very rightly) rebuke the ingratitude and ungraciousness of this objection; what staggers me is the misunderstanding it betrays. In one sense, of course, those who make it are right. They have even understated their own case. The perfect submission, the perfect suffering, the perfect death were not only easier to Jesus because he was God, but were possible only because He was God. But surely that is an odd reason for not accepting them? The teacher is able to form the letters for the child because the teacher is grown up. If it rejected him because "it's easy for grown-ups" and waited to learn writing from another child who could not write itself (and so had no 'unfair' advantage), it would not get on very quickly. If I am drowning in a rapid river, a man who still has one foot on the bank may give me a hand which saves my life. Ought I to shout back (between my gasps) 'No, it's not fair! You have an advantage! You're keeping one foot on the bank'? That advantage - call it 'unfair' if you like - is the only reason why he can be of any use to me. To what will you look for help if you will not look to that which is stronger than yourself?

How?

How can I keep from singing your praise?
How can I ever say enough?
How amazing is your love...

And how can I keep from shouting your name?
I know that Im loved, by the king, and it makes my heart want to sing...


You make everything glorious, you make everything glorious, you make everything glorious, and I AM YOURS! What does that make me??


I love you Lord, and I lift my voice...to worship you, oh my soul rejoice. Take joy my king, in what you hear, and may it be a sweet, sweet sound, in your ear.

Did anybody tell you "I love you" today? Did anybody tell you "I love you" today? Did anybody tell you "I love you" today....(well)
Put me on your list. Let me be the first. "I Love You, today"


<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

My Daily Reminder:
Eph. 2:4 - "But because of his great love for us, God who is rich in mercy, Made us alive with Christ, even when we were dead in our transgressions - Its by grace you have been saved"

-I love that this was branded on me completely by accident. I thank God everyday for his promise-

I hope this helps you today =)
Goodnight!

FINALLY! :) Which means I'll get back to you when im ready to be there for YOU again...

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around
And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around
And I finally found that all

Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
And you just sing along out loud, yea

Come and go now as you please
Your actions write the melodies
To those songs that we sing
And you just sing

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around

Oh the blessings of not having a computer.....again.

Well, besides a lot of time actually spent with people here, and getting to play awesome games, and get pancakes, and ACTUALLY get homework done, I seem to be much less stressed...which is weird.

However, I also get to use other peoples computers....which means other peoples music...which means I find treasures of music that I used to love, and have missed so VERY VERY much =) yay! Annie and I are like the same person, its awesome.

Some lines from my favorite songs, and some of the actual music so that when i get my compy back I remember to get it =)

(Sang this at CL sophomore year)

Never Alone - Barlow Girl
"I cried out with no reply, and I cant feel you by my side, so I'll look high to what I know, you're here, and I'm never alone."

(Sang this last Easter with Brad...managed a 3 part harmony with sarah...I never thought it would apply so well..still gives me chills..)
East to West - Casting Crowns
"Im not holding onto you, but your holding onto me"


(Courtney K. gave me this CD jr. year)

Everything we had - The Academy Is..
But, I am no gentleman, I can be a prick,
and I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.
Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had is no longer there.

(Listened to this song sophomore year probably 96986 times)

Scars - Papa Roach
"I can't help you fix yourself, but at least I can say I tried, Im sorry but Ive got to move on with my own life"

(LOOOVEED this when it came out..sara gave it to me .(of course)I remember she showed this video to me on Fuse and it scared the crap out of me... I think she enjoyed that ;)

The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars
"Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am"

(In 9th grade I used to listen to this on the internet at school, cause I thought it was sooo bad that I couldnt listen to it at home..)

Cold - Crossfade
"I never meant to be so cold to you, im sorry about all the lies, maybe in a different light, you could see me stand on my own again....I never really wanted you to see, the screwed up side of me that I keep, locked inside me so deep, always seems to get to me..."

(haha I used to play and replay the credits of spiderman to listen to this...)

Vindicated - Dashboard Confessionals
"Vindicated. I am selfish I am wrong, I am right, I swear I'm right, I swear I knew it all along"

***(Its been 3 days, I figured out that you don't care...that + this song made me cry tonight...but that's ok...at least everyone says it is..guess I was more in the way than I knew)
Slide - Goo Goo Dolls
"Ohh..put your arms around me, what you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful"


Goodnight everyone...I dont know when I'll have a computer again...but my friends and the library are good to me..so probably soon!

<3

Great Day, with a side of mournfull...

Mournful because my dream car is no longer being made =( Since Pontiac is gone now, the Solstice will no longer be made...
sigh
Guess I'll to spend my excess thousands of dollars I have lying around on something else....;)

It was hard to get up this morning too.. I mean its nice, cause I feel free...but as I explained to Chris and Felisha last night, it just feels so wrong. I am always working to help people, and right now it just feels like that wasnt good enough.Its just stupid, I stayed around for waaay longer than I should have because I kept being told "I need you, I cant explain it but please dont give up" But now seeing as how Im clearly "not needed," I feel like I got fired.
I guess thats how quickly and easily one can be disposed of. Makes me kind of scared for life and relationships in general.
However..I got breakfast with Felisha this morning, which was a terrific start to the day, and the weather is perfect right now, its sunny, but breezy and cool, perfect spring jacket weather..I love it.

Plus the encouragement I have recieved today has been amazing...
Last night Chris suggested some different things to jump into a life of my own, where i could self nurture and really get ahead. One of those things was to get some encouragement, so he had me talk to his R.A. Cameron is just such a terrific guy,he was the chaplan of Gospel Choir last semmester, who prayed over all of us and said "God i dont know who it is but someone here needs to feel your love, needs to know that you love them even though all of this is happening" I knew he was praying for me, I had to leave the chapel I was crying so hard. This time it took him all of 5 minutes, (without me saying anything) for him to realize the amount of pain i was in. He told me that I had accomplished so many things already in life, just from what he knew of my move, and my relationships with people here. He prayed over me, and my relationships with my family, and those I invest in. Idk, it just did wonders for me, Ive felt great all day. The weirdest thing, is that he told me I was beautiful and worth something...and that about killed me. He just looked at me and said it, now I know he said it to encourage me so its not that big of a deal...but at the same time that made it a bigger deal. Ive been in so many relationships and given so much, and been hurt so badly, and that was all I needed to hear, and a stranger told me this, and I felt moved right down to my core....

Then i dont know, even to the level of the only other person in life who has been hurt the same way by the same person, txted me today..and the words she had for me gave me hope I guess...
"Im doing really great Les, this is out of your and my control at this point, and can really only be prayed about."

Im really proud of her...


AND MY CLASS JUST GOT CANCELLED...YESSSSSSS... NO MORE SOCIOLOGY =)

Some recent strangeness...

Ive had great conversations with about 4 guys, looking for dates for Trisha, and they have all been SUPER NICE. I tried to pull a favor with this one guy from my small group and hes currently trying to rearrange his entire schedual to accomidate me. Aww, silly boys.

And Im currently trying to figure out why they heck EVERY ADVENTURE, that chris and felisha want to go on, has to include AN INSAINE AMOUNT OF WALKING! Ogm (oh golly me) lol alex... My calves are so sore from walking up that frickin hill last night, I swear it was like 65 degrees, straight up...to lauren and sara...if you remember driving up that hill to "makeout point" and having to put the E brake on and nearly falling and dying...yeah it was that same hill...

GRRRR. Pain...YAY! encouragement...

Plus I just learned that there are many more people who read this than I thought...thats nice too :)

Still getting more and more nervous/excited for friday...

Pray for the house...Someone is coming to see it today...we MIGHT be able to sell it.. AHHHH I hope so..

thanks everybody.
<3

Who knew..

That four words have the power to free ones heart, mind, and soul, I think all it required was knowing that I was no longer needed.

Buuut Anyway..
I get to go on another adventure tonight, then come hone and read, and then make my VIDEOS! out of 2 of the most awesome weekends of my life... :)
Im rolling with this, so far the best times ive EVER had have been when I just walked away. I think not turning back around is going to be whats best for ME now. Thats a new concept....
but hey maybe this friday will yield something I wasnt expecting,something good, life has its way of doing that. :)
<3

Pray for me..

THE RESCUE!!! :)

So..this day was the longest craziest thing ever, but im going to try to recount this as best and as short as I can.

The day started at horton plaza, we met at the abduction point, after a long ride with a lot of cupcakes, and way to many people in a very small car...



Then we walked 3 miles or so to the park all connected to the same piece of rope. It was kinda super crazy and we got yelled at a lot, but ya know it was all good. After all we were amoung friends :)



We made it to the park which was considered our "LRA Camp" The media took lots of pictures and videos, and we had a grand ole time being super silly...





Then we settled in to wait to be rescued..we played cards and wrote letters, and ate...and ate.. :)




Then we got RESCUED!!!!!
By the chargers wide reciever Vincent Jackson... It was pretty exciting and succsessful, everyone started dancing and it was crazy amounts of fun. So they announce we are done..and Chris, Garren, Felisha and I, take off for an adventure of our own.
We went to town! Or well all over it I guess you could say.. we went to the top of numerous hotels to get the best views of the city, and it was a super amount of fun.



Then the rest of the adventure started...Getting home...

Yeah so the sprinklers soaked our stuff, we missed our rides, we lost felishia, we walked somewhere between 12 and 15 miles, I made up the word Fripen, thought felisha was trying to encourage me by telling me "beanstalk" was missheard and Garren thought that the 3 of us were making naked videos,I heard the best "thats what she said" of my life, I collapsed outside of a grocery store, was picked up my two kids in a stick shift at 3am...
This was how we were found when we were "Rescued"





Yeah..good times..
"I spy a man without skin"
"DUDE, be carefull of what stick your shifting!"
"Oh come on come on, HURRY, I cant wait any longer"
"I spy a man with creepy eyes." "Garren?" "Yes thats correct"
"I DONT FRIPPEN KNOW WHAT TROLLEY IT IS!"
"Dude let me ask you something" "Ok?" "Do you feel super wet and sticky?" *I giggle* "WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR DIRTY MIND??"
"I got resuced by MAC POWELL!"
"Felisha I cant walk one more step" "Bean stalk ducky!" "What??" "BE STRONG DUCKY" "Oh ok, that makes more sense"
"HAVENT YOU EVER SEEN TAKEN???!?!?!?"
"Can we PLEASE take the train to TJ??"


Oh my..."The memorable college times.."
bahaha


;)
<3

Rescued?!?

A full account of tonight will be coming shortly...I am too sore and tired....holy crap...

Well.. I'll talk to you guys on the other side...

Its April 25th...and ya know what that means...

Im getting abducted today.

<3

So, ever wonder happens after the movie? Now I know.

Ya know i sit here, and watch all of these stupid movies, over and over...and the thing is..everyone waits for their happy ending, everyone waits for that perfect person to come into her life and tell her that she was everything they had ever wanted...thing is that 3 months after the movie, that person who came along tends to realize that he was just in love with the idea of you...
then drops you like a bad habit.
Then instead of lamenting over the fact that you "didnt choose the guy who actually cared about you all along" you have no idea who the main characters were to begin with...not even yourself..
God I f'ing hate these movies.