White Blank Page…

Sometimes I wonder if there is room in this world for people like me anymore.

I feel like there is no place for sympathy or grace in everyday life. Its like we live in a world of mediocrity and courtesy. Is that really enough? Is it ok to only relate to people for as much as we can get out of them?

I have a really hard time pushing sales sometimes, I sympathize with the older women who come in, and I feel like I’m confusing them. Or the college age girls to whom a credit account seems like a genius idea because they don’t have the money right now. My bosses would say that it doesn't really matter because the sale is the goal. And I’m doing just fine in sales, actually really well. But some days, i don’t like myself very much.

I honestly just care to much. I’ve been told this, and faulted this way to many times in my life. In fact recently, in order to get through things, and work, and manage to be productive, I have actually just had to go numb. Its like i stop caring about anything except what I’m doing right then. I focus on one thing, driving, my selling goal, the level I’m at on the Stairmaster. Cause if I remember anything, or think about the future at all, I just get too over emotional.

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Like today for instance, I had just managed and hour of cardio, 30 minutes of strength training, 12 minutes on level 12 of the stairs… and I was really proud of myself, and as I was getting ready to leave, out of no where I’m preparing for going back, running through the conversations I need to have if/when I’m confronted with certain people…  Is life really supposed to be this intrusive?

Don't think it doesn't upset me that I get to that place, I want it to all be gone, i want to forget all the hurt. And I never even talk about it anymore cause no one wants to hear it. But sometimes I just want to know that its ok to care again. That someone outside of my 5 family members will not fault me for just loving them. Someone that I can tell to take out there contacts, or call their mother, or ask out to lunch to check on them, or tell them when something is destructive and have them know that its only because I care about their well being, and I truly want them to be ok, and not feel hurt.

If I could find the place in life where people wouldn't fault me or use me for caring, I would be fulfilled..

 

“Tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart”