I love Pigeon Pose, I Hate Pigeons.

I’ve posted this video before i believe. But Death Cab has had me entranced the last few days, So I cant help but post it :D

I woke up early today, went to breakfast, went running with Sierra, Did Yoga, Took a long shower, Went to church, Went to the Museum of Evolution with Liz, and have been doing homework, and updating all of my networking such things since :D

(GAH! taxidermied Hippo = SCARY!)

So, I’ve lived in San Diego, and Studied Art in Paris with nude models.. yet what has turned me into a hippy finally? Yoga. Seriously, I’m addicted to it, i do it constantly now that i know most of the poses. I do it pre and post runs now, I do it during painting when my arm gets cramped, I do it before i go to bed so that I can relax myself and fall asleep, and I do it when I wake up to get my blood flowing. Pigeon pose is my favorite because it stretches out my hips. :D

My seriously, its making me more flexible then any Vincent has ever thought about being.. and on top of that walking and running is giving me killer calves, like better than Marching Band Calves… yeah… That good. (mmmhmm. nerdism is just spilling all over this page)

Anyway, besides turning into a croissant loving hippy what have I been doing? Well I’m so glad you asked!

Well this Thursday we went to the Rodin museum. I've said it probably like 6 times since, but I have NEVER felt emotion in sculpture before. I don't know why, if its because of the focus on form or what. But seriously, Rodin’s work is AMAZING. I nearly cried at a couple pieces. Especially “The Kiss”. Who is Rodin? Well you might recognize this….

Yes sir. The thinker :D

And what was my favorite part of the day? Discovering that THE THINKER IS DANTE! Blahhh literary references make my life happy! (Nerd ramble continues)

Ok so “The Thinker” was originally on the “Gates of Hell.”

See him up there? Dante is pictured at the top of the gates of hell Pondering all that he see’s. Makes sense doesn’t it? Yeah I was pretty stoked.

Anyway, here are some of the other awesome works we saw.

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As sad as it is to report, my migraines have returned.. :( Which has taken the edge off of my adventurousness because I cant seem to shake them. As I mentioned before though, I’ve picked up my exercise routine again (Thank you Mema) And that’s helping a little.

But basically I’ve had to improvise a little bit, this weekend for instance, no one felt much like braving the cold (yes its still 40ish here… ugh) to go out, so instead, I threw a party in my room. What did this include you ask? Well I built a fort. Yes a full on fort in my room.

It even has doors, Sierra and I are the coolest roommates ever. No joke.

Yep hooked to my clothes line. :D

They loved it. Hahaha.

Then the second stage of the party was me turning the shower all the way hot, and everyone getting into their swim suits and having a sauna party. It was ridiculously fun actually. Ok, Evan and I were the only ones cool enough to ACTUALLY go through with it, but the next night we added to 4 more people, so I swear the idea is becoming more and more appealing. :D

So here is more pictures from the weekend, and weekends past as well I suppose. But I'm going to post a few so I can explain…

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No. I'm not trying to kiss Liz. It was a game gone horribly wrong.. but seriously.. the laughter that ensued here?

Hilarious.

 

Photo Cred. to Andrew A.

Very nice light drawing skillz sir.

So basically to explain the photos in the album, we went to a park, had family night in the room (The black and white ones) Went to an Indian restaurant where we were sort of given free hookah… long story… but then we took wicked sweet pictures blowing out the smoke…

Oh and now the deal is that everyone steals my camera, and I end up with all the pictures… which is actually ok with me, cause then I can delete all the ones of me that I don’t like. :D

I love being here.

 

Ignore the dumb title. Its an awesome song.

LOVE YOU ALL!

Normandy… The Photos.

So Drew and I decided to go to Normandy… Completely on a spontaneous desire. We took a 2 hour train ride there. Got some lunch, wandered around, took a taxi to the bunkers, came back to town, went to the British cemetery, got coffee and took the train home.

Seems like it could have been a tourist day right?

Except for the mastery of the senses.

Drew and I didn't really talk at all while we were there, we just tried to capture what we were seeing through photo’s. It was seriously one of the coolest things I've ever done.

Its hard to describe the feeling of being there, but I took about 300 pictures. They are all on my photo site on the blog below. But I uploaded some of my favorites here. Its a good mixture of the pure art and emotion I tried to capture, along with some more touristy photos, and a photo booth shoot at the end.

 

If this doesn’t make a statement. I’m not sure what would. Thanks high contrast jacket lady.

 

He is Risen? (Statement piece part 2)

 

Life behind Barbed Wire

(Statement piece 3)

 

 

Death of all those for one?

(Statement piece 4)

 

Death upon us

(Statement piece part 5)

The writing on the wall…

 

Some work with Patterns.

 

  

 

Worms eye?

 

Some scenery.  

 

 

Drew and I in action.

 

   

Who knew reading my own thoughts could help me so much.

I guess i am a good writer, but I wrote best when I was hurting the most. Here is a post I just found when I was looking up some C.S Lewis quotes to send to Mema.
I was hurting then, im hurting now.

I know I'll be better for this somehow.. I just wish I knew when.

==============================================================================

Thursday, June 4, 2009
I know im going to hate myself tomorrow for writing this, but I cant stop it tonight...

Im starting to wonder if it matters what clothes you buy, or what haircut you get, or how you spend your time, and who you spend it with....if everyone can see the immese sorrow in your eyes. When you walk around as if you've just dropped something of the utmost value into a sewer grate and you cant get it back, no matter how hard you reach...
These waves of emotion always come right when I think im doing better...I try to keep them away, I really do.
At least I know im not manic...C.S Lewis felt the same way...completely insaine amounts of ranting, that never really makes any sense...but hey..lets just let him talk...




"Its not true that Im always thinking about it. Work and conversation make the impossible. But the times when I'm not are perhaps the worst. For then, as though I have forgotten for some reason, there is spread over everything a vauge sense of wrongness, of something amiss. I see the rowan berries reddening and don't know for a moment why they, of all things, should be depressing. I hear a clock strike and some quality it always had before has gone out of the sound. What's wrong with the world to make it so flat, shabby, worn-out looking? Then I remember...


Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened again; the mad words the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare unreality, the wollowed-in tears. For in grief nothing "stays-put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it? How often? Will it be for always? - how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realizedmy loss till this moment'? The same leg is cut off time after time. The first plunge of the knife into the flesh is felt again and again ..


In so far as this record is defense against total collapse, a safety valve, it has done some good. The other end I had in view turns out to have been based on a misunderstanding, I thought I could describe a state, make a map of sorrow. Sorrow however, turns out to not be a state but a process. It needs not a map but a history, and if I dont stop writing that history at some quite arbitrary point, there's no reason why I should ever stop. There is something new to be chronicaled every day. Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. As Ive already noted, not every bend does. Sometimes the suprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago....

Does grief finally subside into boredom tinged by faint nausea?"


I woke up one morning and I discovered that the bond that had allowed me to let someone into my life, to create the person I needed most, the family that I had always wanted, was built on a lie. Nothing was ever the same... Like death, it couldnt be followed, solved, fixed, or pleaded for....it was simply gone, as if it never was. Unlike death however, the memories werent real either....and remembering them hurt more than pretending it never was, because it was all a lie. And tourturously, like an insaine person, I have this ghost that floats in and out of my life, like when you think you see someone you miss so much on the street, or you think you see their car, your heart lurches, bringing back a memory or a thought that was once so good and right, and then it turns toxic...because the person turns around and it isnt them...and the car turns the wrong way...and your left there standing on the sidewalk in pure anguish while the world walks past you, and has no idea why your still standing there.

Except the ghost Im haunted by is real. Looks the same, functions the same. But is dead inside. There is no death certificate, no real cause to mourn that can be seen by the observer. Im alone in my grief.

The only question now is whether to wait on that sidewalk to see the person who looks like him? Just to feel that hope for 2 seconds, and let yourself fall, day after day. Or to never look. Sounds like an easy choice, but if you could talk to your dead, and know that they heard you, even if they never said anything back, would you try?

My mom told me tonight that her dad loved her more than the world, and everyone knew it. But that still wasnt enough to make him stay, he still left her. "Sometimes its just not enough Les, no matter how hard we try. That doesnt make it hurt any less. It doesnt take away the abandonment that you feel, its just the way it is..." I understand her a little more each day, and each day I wish I didnt know her pain...

As bad as it is, I remember that it was much worse. I am getting better. Today I walked by the lake, and I remembered over spring break, holding on to the wall of the hotel pool to keep myself under for as long as possible to see if it was possibley any worse then the suffocating feeling I already had pressing against my chest...it wasnt nearly as bad..at least I had control of it...

I dont have control of these tears though..not tonight. At least I know that these waves of grief are normal... I just wish I had picked a problem to solve that wasnt people...its so painful, and it never stops, and after years of giving yourself, and trying for everyone around you, you end up having to tell your problems to a webpage because there is no one awake, and no one cares. Not even any of the people who promised they'd always be there.

Neat.
---------------------------------------------


There are passages in there that hurt, remind, and heal.

I wish none of is was relevant at all though.. I truely wish I could make everything go away. For myself, for my family, for Mema especally....

I just dont know sometimes.

The beaches :D

Normandy was amazing.
Happy birthday MEMA!

Keats Keats Keats Keats…

 

The Movie bright star… all about John Keats life…

Here is the poem it was based off of..

Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art---
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors---
No---yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillowed upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever---or else swoon in death.

We went to see it yesterday, its a completely true story, and all the letters and poems are word for word from Keats.

I dont know what it was about this movie.. I dont know what it is about his writing. But it inspires me.

 

Not really the love story so much.. I feel at this point in my life that love is not what I was created for…. that maybe my soul is waiting to be something else, because its known love as was failed by it. I’m starting to be ok with that.

But Keats was an inspired soul.. someone who strove for more. And he died at 25 from TB.

Does an Inspired Soul have to be one that lives a tragic life? Does a Bright Star have to first die for its light to be truly appreciated?

Its been bothering me all day and night.

“I am certain of nothing, but of the holiness of the Hearts affections and the truth of imagination. What the imagination seizes as Beauty must be truth”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All this time, the answer was in me.

I feel free.

 

 

 

5 photos for tomorrow.

 

Painting with Pleasure.

Painting class yesterday really rocked.

I got to model, which was a first. It was just so weird to be looked at and really seen. Everyone’s interpretations of me were really different, but I definitely enjoyed the experience.

 

Then we painted Sierra and mine had seriously improved so much.. I was really excited to see that even though I was having this terrible time, I was still able to get better at something I could never imagine myself doing.

I wish I had the previous weeks.. but it looked like a cartoon character.. It was nuts. This weeks actually has dimension and shadow and light.. and it looks nothing like sierra, but I like it. :D

 

Oh here, I found the last one.. look at the difference…

 

:D :D :D

I wish I could paint pictures with my Words.

I decided today when I woke up, that this is going to be a good week.

This helped…

 

I dont know where to say my head has been lately… but I think it needs to change. Ive been so frusterated with things, that I’ve hardly been able to enjoy where I am/ What Im doing.

But today has been completely different, and for that I am grateful.

I figured out that listening to a mixture of Explosions in the Sky/The Animal Collective, while walking through the streets of Paris, will pretty much make you look on the brighter side of things at any point. So doing that on the way to class, seriously helped.

Then, we had an amazing model today in class. It’s very difficult to concentrate on all of the technical things we are supposed to be doing when the model seems to feel awkward, or not be at peace with his/her self. But today was totally different, she knew how she wanted to stand, and did so with elegance. She gave us great angles and shapes to draw and never stopped smiling. Being able to feel the weight and pressure of her body in our drawings through shading, completely changed the art we were doing. People came up with some seriously amazing pictures.. and I feel like all of us (myself included) are really pushing the boundaries as far as what we are used to doing.

I’m so filled with song lyrics today and I don’t know what to do with them.. IHGOWIHGOGH :D

Its good this time rather than bad.. which is a nice change.

----------------------------------------------------------

We have so much due this week its stupid. We have to finish Paradise Lost (which I love, and everyone else hates. lol) Turn in another 5 photos, and we have a art history exam weds. (Shoots self in foot)

So its pretty much just hw from here on out.. that and trying DESPERATELY to not be sick anymore. But hopefully my better attitude will help with that.

Well Megs here, and we are off to do Yoga, which is probably the best part of my day.. not going to lie. :D

 

“She got me high, and I hardly noticed there were tears in her eyes”

One & Only lyrics
(feat. Fall Out Boy)
[Verse 1 - Timbaland]
I get over heels for someone (I)
That I really can't deal with (deal with)
I want to block you out my mind
But I really can't do it
I tell myself this the last time
I'ma let you do this to me
Whenever we do spend time
I realize that I can't get enough of you
[Bridge - Patrick Stump (Timbaland)]
Wipe that smile off your - face (Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face (Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your -face (Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face (Let me say to you)
[Chorus (Patrick Stump):]
To be despised
To be loved
To be dreamt of
To be sought
I'm the inside of "I don't care"
Right in the middle
I'm right in the middle
To be despised
To be loved
To be dreamt of
To be sought
I'm the inside of "I don't care"
Be my unholy
My one and my lonely
[Verse 2 - Patrick Stump]
I wear scarves and hoods
'Cause it's the only poker face that I've got left
And everything I love about you is a mess
Smash the mirror and break the palm reader's hand
I want to be better than I am
[Bridge - Patrick Stump (Timbaland)]
(Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your - face (Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face (Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your - face (Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face (Let me say to you)
[Chorus (Patrick Stump)]
[Verse 3 - Timbaland]
Girl, just look what you've done
How could you do this to me?
I gotta put my foot down
I can't let you do this to me
I can't forget those good ole times
And all the things you've been doing to me
I wanna hit that one more time
I mean love, what your doing to me
I'ma say it loud, right here
Let's - n this crowd
Why we arguing
I thought me and you were supposed to be
Friends
Let's chill for minute
Better yet we could heal for a minute (for a minute)
Baby, put down the knife
Sometime I wanna save ya life
Why don't you?