White Blank Page…

Sometimes I wonder if there is room in this world for people like me anymore.

I feel like there is no place for sympathy or grace in everyday life. Its like we live in a world of mediocrity and courtesy. Is that really enough? Is it ok to only relate to people for as much as we can get out of them?

I have a really hard time pushing sales sometimes, I sympathize with the older women who come in, and I feel like I’m confusing them. Or the college age girls to whom a credit account seems like a genius idea because they don’t have the money right now. My bosses would say that it doesn't really matter because the sale is the goal. And I’m doing just fine in sales, actually really well. But some days, i don’t like myself very much.

I honestly just care to much. I’ve been told this, and faulted this way to many times in my life. In fact recently, in order to get through things, and work, and manage to be productive, I have actually just had to go numb. Its like i stop caring about anything except what I’m doing right then. I focus on one thing, driving, my selling goal, the level I’m at on the Stairmaster. Cause if I remember anything, or think about the future at all, I just get too over emotional.

-------

Like today for instance, I had just managed and hour of cardio, 30 minutes of strength training, 12 minutes on level 12 of the stairs… and I was really proud of myself, and as I was getting ready to leave, out of no where I’m preparing for going back, running through the conversations I need to have if/when I’m confronted with certain people…  Is life really supposed to be this intrusive?

Don't think it doesn't upset me that I get to that place, I want it to all be gone, i want to forget all the hurt. And I never even talk about it anymore cause no one wants to hear it. But sometimes I just want to know that its ok to care again. That someone outside of my 5 family members will not fault me for just loving them. Someone that I can tell to take out there contacts, or call their mother, or ask out to lunch to check on them, or tell them when something is destructive and have them know that its only because I care about their well being, and I truly want them to be ok, and not feel hurt.

If I could find the place in life where people wouldn't fault me or use me for caring, I would be fulfilled..

 

“Tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart”

:D

So apparently I wait until 3 months AFTER I hear a CD to decide that I love every song on it..
haha, thank you again evan :D

They don't know you like I do.

I heard you were back in town
I heard you would come around
Trying to get off the ground
Every road you went down

Walked down the old street
Just to feel the old heat
If you're burning on empty
I'll be holding a golden ring

'Cause hey hey, they don't know you like I do
I wait for the whole world to show you
Maybe we're not, not that gone

Do you ever think about me? Do you ever call my name?
Ask me now I'll give you the reasons
My love will not fade
Through the fire and rain, the fire and rain

I'll meet you half way
If you're coming the long way
Don't care what the people say
Of the prodigal runaway

'Cause hey hey, they don't know you like I do
I wait for the whole world to show you
Maybe we're not, not that gone

Do you ever think about me? Do you ever call my name?
Ask me now I'll give you the reasons
My love will not fade
Through the fire and rain, the fire and rain

We'll say goodbye, I'm gone
Oh, it hurts to hold on
If you settle your score, no, no
Pick you up off the floor

Do you ever think about me? Do you ever call my name?
Ask me now I'll give you the reasons
My love

Do you ever think about me? Do you ever call my name?
Ask me now I'll give you the reasons
My love will not fade
Through the fire and rain, the fire and rain
The fire and rain, the fire and rain

Ouch...

Ive got to keep trying.. cause if I let this one knock me down, i wont make it.

This hurts.. a lot.
Losing another person who knows everything, and who accepted me anyway... And to lose someone else like this..
well..
Apparently some of my scars could still be ripped open.. Cause it hurts tonight.

3 months is a long time...

Its been crazy... I'm still in shock that he's gone.. Not to mention everything else.

I have been in 4 different countries since then, learned new languages, learned to paint, added over a hundred artists to my collection, moved home, left friends, made new ones, lost old ones,4 pointed a semester, got a new car, got a full time job.

Things are settling down..

I wish my heart was.

I'm still so restless.. There are so many things I miss, so many things I long for...

Although i think I can finally say that these scars have healed... but only through God...



I really am working so hard to make everybody proud, to live up to the second chance that I've been given by everyone.
And I really just wish Papa was here to see everything that's going on...

Mema is doing so well..shes coming on the train next month
Daddy weighs as much as he did in high school
Mama is working out 3 times a week and hasn't eaten a carb in 4 months...
Ash got her teaching job
Brennan is the best in his school just like always ;)
Chrissy and Mike are getting married in less than a month
I just had a full time job basically made for me and I'm paying for my own car

but there is still this shadow...
I think it is just impossible to lose that great of a person and not feel the effects forever.

I just miss him.. That's all there is...



Ive had this song stuck in my head for a while now...

HOLY CRAP!

Ellipses.

Mothers Day Weekend.





Sooo.. I got a new car.
Meet Ellipses.. my 2010 Gunmetal Blue Mazda3 - Manual.



It was my mothers day present... to myself?

haha, ash tried to take pictures.. but the lighting was a little extreme. I'll get more soon.

Shes a stick, and I LOVE driving a stick for some reason.. way too much fun.

Next weeks Goal. HEAR BACK FROM 1 OF THE 8 JOBS I APPLIED FOR. grrr.
we shall see.

Home.

Well, seeing as I am not venturing out to remote and crazy places everyday anymore, this will probably morph back into a review of things I've read, and a bit of an outlet for my thoughts. Even though things have slowed down, Im hoping to still find the excitement in everyday life, as I have this semester. Speaking of which... Since I arrived home...



Boat for Daddys birthday

Car Shopping

Job Hunting

Mothers Day Planning

Resume Building

Making Sure my stuff in San Diego is Safe

Gym



and of course



Iron Man 2 Midnight showing, just to prove that I really am as much of a nerd as I was when I left. :)

Daddy and I just got home, and then got into a post iron man robot fight with headlamps at 230am. (much to mama and the dogs dismay)



-Also, Im starting to think that Samuel L Jackson just wears an eyepatch everyday.... whats with that?

Add a paper and a photo project to this, and this equals my night.

Add 80 slides to memorize.

Might as well be ones and zeros, im a robot tonight.



Gaughan
Symbolism – Art Nouveau
Maurice Deni – “A paining is a flat service covered with colors arranged and assembled in a certain order.
Painting was meant to be seen though. Find something in the painting, something spiritual.
Linear in quality
Pierre Bonnard –
(“Terrace at Vernon,” “Dining room in the Garden,” “Dining room in the country”)
Aubrey Beardsley –
(“The Peacock Skat”, “Salonne and the head of st. john the Baptist”, )
Alfons Mucha - Poster Art
Hector Guimard – The French subway entrances.
Fauvism
Subject in Color
Matisse – Associated color and pattern together for emotive qualities
(“Green Stripe,” “The Dance” “The Conversation” “The red studio”)
Andre Derain –
(“London Bridge” “The Pool of London” “Victoria Embankment”)
Van Gogh
Precursor to German Expressionism - {Edvard Munch – repressed sexuality
(“The Scream,” The Dance of Life” “Puberty” “The Sick Child” )}
German Expressionism
Die Bruche - (the bridge) - Dresdin
Heavy Color combinations
-influenced by German Woodcut
Ernst Kirchner –
Primordial Reality – get back to nature
(“Street Dresden”,“Girl under Japanese Parasol”, “La toilette”, “Berlin Street Scene”)
Emil Nolde – Capturing wild feeling, very hot in nature
(“Dance around the golden calf”, “Candle Dancers”, “Wildly dancing children” “The crucifixion” “The Last Supper", “Christ and the children”)
“Only the superficial have it easy…”
George Rouault – influenced by stained glass windows.
(“The old king” “Les Trois Clowns”)
Der Blaue Reiter ( The blue rider) – Munich
Concentrated on the Spiritual in Art.
Wassily Kandinsky - First person to paint a non-objective work. No subject matter. Was inspired by the splitting of the atom. Associated music and colors.
Invited to be a teacher at the bowhouse in berlin.
Short feelings where improvisations, Long feelings were Compositions.
(“Improvisation #28”, “Composition V”)
Kandisnsky - “Matisse liberated color, and Picasso liberated form.”
Franz Marc –
Interested in the flow of blood. Blue to him was masculine, yellow was feminine, red was brutal. Was pantheistic – felt that every living thing has its own emotions.
Great feeling for nature in all of his works
“I try to heighten my feeling for the organic rhythm of all things”
(“Blue horse 1” “Stables” “Deer in the woods II” “Foxes”)
Cezanne -
Cubism -1908
Analysis
Pablo Picasso – Invented cubism, not really on purpose. “We wanted simply to address what was in us”
“A painter paints to unload himself of feelings and visions.”
“We all know that art is not truth, it is a lie that shows us the real truth”
“I paint what I think rather than what I see”
Went through periods (Blue, Rose, cubism, synthetic cubism)
(“The family of Saltimbanques,” “The Absinthe Drinker”, “The Old guitarist,” “Desmoiselles d’Avignon,” “Girl with the Mandolin,” “Ma Jolie”, “Guernica”)
6 Points of Analytic Cubism (Starting with a subject and tearing it apart)
1)Fusion of the object with the surroundings
2) See different sides at the same time
3) Abstract and representational elements together
4) Held together by a grid
5) Concentrations of the form at the center
6) Limited Color
5 points of Synthetic Cubism (starting with abstract parts and moving towards a subject)
1) Importance of Collage
2) Strike against technical skill
3) A reaction against photo realism or photo illusion
4) Self-contained constructive object
5) Puts color back into the work
Georges Braque – Cubist
Did analytical and synthetic
(“Violin and Jar”)
“A painting is a flat surface and should remain a flat surface”
Juan Gris
(“Harlequin with Guitar” ”Still life”)
Said to be more decorative than Picasso and Braque. More defined lines.
Jacques Lipschitz – cubist sculpture
(“Bather”)
Cubist Extensions .
Robert Delaunay – working with seeing all sides at once. Orphism. About the machine age world.
(“Champs de Mars or the Red Tower 1911”, “Homage to Bleriot”,)

Fernand Leger – “The Machine aesthetic”, people as robots.
(“Nude Model in the Studio” ”The Smokers” “The Three Comrads” “Le Mecanicien” “Woman holding a vase” Woman with a book”)

Piet Mondrian – Works with simplifying the grid of cubism. Destijl movement – Sobriety, realism, clarity, and Logic. Neo-Plasticism
(“Composition in Red Yellow Blue” “Broadway Boogie Woogie”)
“A dynamic equilibrium” – composition for compositions sake.

Malevich, Kasimir – Uses the Grid, simplifies it into shapes, Suprematism
(“Suprematist Painting” “White on white”)
“A Suprematist does not see, does not touch, he feels”

Bauhaus - International style of architecture, brought sbout technology and merged it with the arts. Had its sources in cubism.

-Le Corbusier
-Frank Loyd Wright

Futurism – Manefesto written by F.T Marinetti. Wanted to get rid of the past. Radicals.
Movement is the difference between futurism and cubism
Absolute movement – when there is an inner potential for movement vibrating out. Tension or force
Relative Movement – Something in motion.
Lines of force

Giacomo Balla –
(“Dynamism of a dog” “Le vol des hirondelles” “Fight of the Swifts” “Arc of the lamp”)

Russolo, Luigi –
(“Solidity of Fog”)

Gino Severini –
(“Dynamic Hieroglyphic” “Suburban Train Arriving in Paris” “Sea Dancer”)

Umberto Boccioni – captured the war and violence of the futurist movement
(“Riot in the Gallery” “The City Rises” “Dynamism of a football player” “States of mind Farewell” “The Laugh” “Forces of a street” “Unique Forms of Continuity in Space”)
(“Development of a Bottle in Space”) – Futurist Still life/Absolute Movement

Carlo Cara – Word poems
(“Interventionist Demonstration”)

Dadaism –
Freedom to experiment brought about this movement of modern art.
Nonsense
Did everything to try and offend society.
Illogical, immoral.

Jean Arp – the art of chance, Biomorphic forms.
(“Collage with Squares” )

8 techniques of Dadaism
1. Photo collage
2. Frottage
3. Automatic writing (doodling)
4. Free Association
5. Biomorphism
6. Juxtapositioning
7. Ready-Mades
8. Found Objects

Marcel Duchamp – Created works called “Organal –Mechanical Beings” - half organic/half robotic beings. Made art, the artist’s choice. Worked with assemblism, and painting… played on words and shapes.
(“Nude Descending a Staircase” “The Bride” “L.H.O.O.Q” “The Large Glass”)
Kurt Schwitters –
(“Merzban”
Raoul Hausmann –
“The Spirit of our time”
Man Ray –
“Gift”

Surrealism
The surrealist intention was to explore the more real than the real life, behind the real. - Andre Breton – Literary. Wrote the surrealist manifesto. Wanted to resolve conscious and subconscious into one real and ultimate reality.
Henri Rousseau - Picassos friend, claims that he got his inspiration from Mexico. Naive painter, not of his time.
(“The Sleeping Gypsy” “Monkeys in the forest” “War” “Carnival Evening”)
Georges DeChirico –
(“Autumnal Melancholy”, “The Soothsayer’s Recompose” , “Mystery and Melancholy of a street” “Song of Love”)
Marc Chagall –
(“Birthday” “The Green Man”)
Paul Klee – thought of himself as a child, in order to attain spontaneity untroubled by reason.
(“Twittering Machine” “Adam and little Eve”, “Castle in Sun”, “Painting”)
Max Ernst – Decolamania – Transfering paint to the canvas without use of a brush
(“Forest and Dove”, “Ubu Imperator”)
Juan Miro –
(“Harlequin Carnival”)
Salvidor Dali –
(“The Persistence of Memory”, “Apparition of Face and Fruit Dish on a Beach”, “The Enigma of Hitler” “Soft contruction with Boiled Beans”, “Sleep”, “Crucifixion”)
Surrealism Points
1. Chance association of things and events
2. Dislocation of images and meanings
3. Scrambling of conventional concepts
4. Exploring the subconscious
5. Radical freedom of artistic choice.

Rene Magritte -Veeristic
(“collective invention”, “ Empire of lights”)
Yves Tanguy -Biomorphic
Frida Kahlo –
(“The two Fridas”)
Movie: Frida Kahlo.
Abstract Expressionism
Arshile Gorky – The Inner workings of the mind
Influenced Jackson Pollock
(“The liver is the cocks comb”, )
Jackson Pollock – Trying to cover things up
Made Famous by Peggy Guggenheim
“Action Painting” – the act of doing/Process
(“One”, “ Action Painting”, )

William De Kooning –
“The woman is disfigured by her environment”
Inspired by advertisments with women in them/Often scraped of layers of paint
Merged the background and the object
Commentary art.
(“Woman and Bicycle”, “Mona”, Woman 1”)

Hans Hoffman –
Perfect squares in chaotic background.
(“Thick Paint”, “Opitcal Illusion”)

Helen Frankenthaler – Post Painterly abstraction
Huge Paintings.
(“Bay Side”,)

Barnett Newman – Also Post painterly abstraction
“Zip Series”
Large paintings, with one zip in the middle.
Supposed to allow the viewer to become involved in the red, to be a part of the picture.
(“Vir Heroicus Sublime”)


Jules Olitski –
Be submerged in abstraction. Spiritual. Nothing really symbolic.
Mark Rothko –
Color field experience
(No. 9, Untitled 1959)
Louis Morris –
Also color field experience
Concentrated on how the paint flowed and dripped.
Experience of emotions/color/white space.
(“Seal”, “Green Shade”, “Sarahand”)
Ellsworth Kelly – Color Theory
Second generation post painterly abstractionist
(“Red Blue Green”)
Frank Stella - Shape Canvas’
The outer shape should reflect the inner shape

Pop Art (Neodadaism)
Taking something out of its environment and calling it art.
Richard Hamilton - Collages
(“Just what is it that makes today’s home so different”.

Andy Warhol – Pop art
“All about mass production.”
Mimicking marketing schemes
Silk Screens
(“Campbell Soup Can”, “Green Coca-Cola Bottles”, “Marilyn Diptych”, “Silver Liz”,)

Roy Lichtenstein – Cartoons, Mass Production. Benday Dot style.
(“The Kiss”, “Bratatatatatatatat”)
Jasper Johns – (“Flag 1954”, “Map of the United States”, “Target with four faces”, “Ballantine Ale Cans”, “High School Days”, “The Critic Sees”)
Used Pigment and Wax together = brilliant colors
Opposite Colors
Jim Dine – painted hardware items
Claes Oldenberg – Light switches, Telephones, - outs of vinyl and different media.

Assemblage
-Robert Ruaschenberg – First person to start collaging in 3D
-Red Grooms – 3D Cardboard realities
-John Chamberlain – Crushed automobles into shapes

Minimalism
In and of its self it has value. Displacement of space/Pattern/ Color/Medium
- David Smith (“Cubi XIX”)
- Carl Andre – (“Zinc Plates”, “Fire Bricks”)
- Tony Smith – (“Die”)
- Richard Serra – (“Tilted Arc”)
- Maya Ying Lin – (“Vietnam Veterans Memorial”)

Earth Works
Robert Smithson – (“Spiral Jetty”)

Perfomance Art -
- Jean Tinguely – (“Homage to New York” - The mechanical fountain outside of the Pompidou
- Allan Kaprow – Happenings/Performances

Conceptual Art
Process Art
Christo –
1. Wrapped Coast – Australia
2. Valley Curtain - Colorado
3. Running Fence – CA
4. Wrapped Walk Ways
5. Surrounded Island - Florida
6. The Point Nuef Wrapped - Paris
7. The Umbrellas – US & Japan
8. Wrapped Reichstag – Berlin
9. The Gates – Central Park - NY
10. Over the River

This is Insanity.

28 hours on trains in the last 5 days have led me to these.

Berlin Wall shots.

   

Some sights around the town.

 

 

 

“Memorial to the Murdered Jews of WWII”

 

 

The Park during class.

 

And this is the historical commemorative plot to where Hitler committed suicide?

Or… its a parking lot.

This should have been about where his bunker was underground…

(^Leaf)

German Propaganda…

This thing is an entire wall fresco, im actually pretty proud of how well the photo merge turned out.

hahah look what I found amidst the books at a sidewalk booksale in downtown Berlin.

 

And well in the next week I have 2 papers, finals and some 34 hours of travel.

Oh boy…

Final Projects, Series, Moments and more.

View Full Album

I need an online compellation for some applications.

Here is some of my best for the semester.

Fugue

Fugue State - A fugue state, formally Dissociative Fugue, is a rare psychiatric disorder characterized by reversible amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality and other identifying characteristics of individuality. The state is usually short-lived (hours to days), but can last months or longer. Dissociative fugue usually involves unplanned travel or wandering, and is sometimes accompanied by the establishment of a new identity. After recovery from fugue, previous memories usually return intact, however there is complete amnesia for the fugue episode.

^This is what Art did to me today.

Emil Nolde - “Only the superficial have it easy”

Kandinsky

 

Paul Klee – “Art is Parallel to nature”

Lionel Feininger

^^ I really felt like I could just jump into this painting.. In person it was incredible.

Edvard Munch – Lubeck Harbor 1907

There was something relatable about his work to me today.. it was like I could feel what he was feeling in his work.

 

The way I usually love/live/breathe words… I suddenly was intensely captivated by the works of German Expressionist painters, and those involved in the the Bauhaus Movement. I'm not sure if its because it collided with all of the history I have spent so much of my life trying to understand. But I could feel the emotion that went into these paintings, and I couldn't help but relate.

Im not sure what it means, but for the first time on the trip all of this is clicking. And I dont want to lose the understanding, or the inspiration.

 

I dont know why.. but my 230am brain only wants to listen to this…

including all like 23 remixes. Reminds me of Summer nights, and London all at the same time. Memory is weird.

Berlin.

Last travel destination.

Which is probably a good thing considering that Im so beaten up bruised right now that Im not sure my body could handle another travel day. I’m to clumsy for my own good.

Things are hard here.

Volcanos make it harder.

All I want is to be home.

:/

Cliff Jumping.

Rough night. If only they realized that there is so much past inside my present… they wouldn't be so quick to judge :/

Oh well.. here are the pics.

 

 

 

I did it :)

This night.

If love could be imagined,/one of never-ending Grace./ Not of fairytales, or nursery rhymes/But just a loving face.

A hand to hold, to walk in stride/With understanding to be shared/That will set me free of all my fears/to which nothing is compared.

If this love could truly be/I’d call on it in every dream/ Wish upon it on every Star/And fountains near and far.

If I thought that it could be/ I’d summon it in fright/ Because for lack of dreaming/ I’m in need of it tonight.

Senses confused.

The Sound of Peace./The Smell of Purple./The Sight of Love./The Touch of Air./The Taste of Sunlight.

Things that cannot be grasped. But are sensed none the less.

This is how my day went.

Trevi fountain.

 

     

“The shepherd Christ from heav’n arrived/My flesh and spirit feeds/ I shall no longer be deprived/Of all my earthly needs.

My soul he shall from sin restore/And her free powers awake/In paths of heav’nly truth to soar/For love and mercy’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through deaths gloomy vale/The dread I shall disdain/For thou art with me lest I fail/ To check me and sustain.

But great still, thy love and grace/Shall all my life attending/And in thine hallowed dwelling place/My knees shall ever bend.”

- Christopher Smart.