Somedays I dont know why I suck so bad.

Thanks for haunting me pandora...





Im serious.. Pandora stop killing me. I cant handle anymore tonight...

"There will come a time you'll see.."

This is how I survive myself...

"you are going to make it out of there alive. you will live to tell your story. never lose hope."


Friends.
Hope.
Love.

Otherwise i'd be nothing...

Thanks Mav.. you saved me tonight...

I search for this.. I long for this..

-king saul fell on his sword when it all went wrong,
and joseph's brothers sold him down the river for a song,
and sonny liston rubbed some tiger balm into his glove.
some things you do for money and some you do for love love love.

raskolnikov felt sick but he couldn't say why
when he saw his face reflected in his victim's twinkling eye.
some things you'll do for money and some you'll do for fun,
but the things you do for love are going to come back to you one by one.

love love is going to lead you by the hand
into a white and soundless place.
now we see things as in a mirror dimly.
then we shall see each other face to face.

and way out in seattle young kurt cobain
snuck out to the greenhouse, put a bullet in his brain.
snakes in the grass beneath our feet, rain in the clouds above,
some moments last forever, but some flare up with love love love

This is what he said about the song in a radio interview:

"the point of the song is we are very well damaged by the legacy of the romantic poet, that we think of love as a thing that is with strings and is this force for good and then if something bad happens thats not love...I don't know so much about that I don't know that the Greeks weren't right, I think that they were, that love can beat a path through everytihng, that it will destroy alot of things on the way to its objective which is just its expression of itself. You know my stepfather mistreated us terribly quite often, but he loved us and well, that to me is something worth commenting on in the hopes of undoing alot of what I percieve is terrible damage, yet we talk about love as this benign comfortable force:
it is wild."

This is what I'm searching for.. and i suppose why I haven't settled for less. I want something uncontainable.. my heart is capable.. just misdirected.
I want to Love.
Who is going to let me?

Sweet Lester Ann... A story.

?



ok.. not really a story.. but

I have two jobs, and they sort of contradict each other.. like completely

Happy?.. Sad?... Man (cross dressed?) Woman (make up'd) Makeup brushes, Orange... cause its all I could find...

DEAL!

I PROMISE TO BLOG MORE!
....
...
..
.


RANDOMIZED THOUGHTTTTS

WE shall see how long this lasts....

"Did I mention that Rexy's favorite midnight snack is little puppies?"

I bought Mollys today... and I can hang shelves tomorrow

I want to go clubbing

I hate sitting here.

I want to pepper spray the kid who just asked me what I thought of bill clinton.

I wish i could be surrounded by darkness and blankets for the foreseeable future.

I want chocolate.

"Im bout to turn into a rude dude"

Chrissy has a cold.. I should send her some tissue

I really hope i dont fall asleep in this box

Mah back huurts

"I turn into a super hero and do good coffee deeds"

I really wish i hadnt eaten so many carrots earlier...

I still want chocolate

I wish I really had a pet t-rex

He'd probably want chocolate too

123 days till my 21st bithday

121 days till I see sara

I wish i was as funny as Allie.

I hope sunshine didnt eat any of my snacks while i was gone...

Cheese is yummy.

RAWR - Im a monster.

Im suffering from brain/soul death.

The A.D.D/caffeine and lateness of this shift causes me to go into a complete state of insanity/brain death.

It has hit one a.m. And the productivity of this week is coming crashing down all around me. I was looking forward to blogging tonight with great excitement, but that was at like 6. Now im angry at the white parts of the page...
Oh well..
I will go with that i was going to say earlier.
///// ^ Me earlier!!!"

Earlier I was practically Santa on crack... I was like;
*bam* Flowers for you
*bam* coffee for you..
need a day brighter HERES SOME WIT AND CHAARRRMMM.
"Homework is no problem for a might warrior!~!~!"
*catches up on everything and is insainely productive!*

In fact Ricco and I were supposed to be doing a lot of stuff at work.. that we didnt really do.. because.. you know i was so busy being productive! I couldnt let a silly thing like hobo's getting on campus worry me!


"YAY, HAPPY COFFEE FRIENDS, MAKING MONEY$$$$$$$$"
- "I've decided that since I get random comments on my blog about how helpful it is and how much work I've put into it, I will COMPLETELY CHANGE EVERYTHING, and start attempting humorrrrr"

That was the idea.. because basically on mondays, all i have is time and soul death... so i might as well not bother everyone that im txting, and just spit it out onto here so that you actually have to voluntarily click on the link instead of having my humor dumped upon you.

Then work trapped me in the box. and now im stuck here.. like a poor helpless little puppy in a glass box at a pet store... All I want is too be let out
00 - Big puppy eyes...

I'm feeling so trapped that I just told Annie I want to go to the zoo and let all the animals out... she said no.
I find this to be unfair.
*pouts some more*


**update**
Annie and I have now spent the last 3 hours having a conversation about who's grouchy animal self would win in a fight..
It was a great white vs. her pet t-rex... but then she trumped me by turning into a zonbie with no vains.. therefore my bite would not make her bleed out... now we are using rap songs as insults...Im bout to take her to church...

mUUUUUUUUUUUUUUsic & cats.

I will marry this man:





And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.



And "Monster" which I cannot post right now because there is not an edited version of it... (thanks for showing me that song....)

hahah I'm obssessed with this girls blog...

Once.

"Oh, it's been a year..."

Yeah it's about that time
that you contact me to make rhyme
and reason of what we did
now that it's been a year

Don't clutter your head
I'm fine
Don't clutter your head
It's been some time
And I'm fine
Strange it's almost been a year

And you sound so sweet
You sound so sweet
To me

I should know better by now
Then to pick up that God damn phone
But I don't
And it's almost been a year

And you sound so sweet
You sound so sweet
To me
You sound so sweet
To me

Yeah it's about that time
That you contact me to make rhyme
And reason of what you did
Now that it's been a year

And you sound so sweet
You sound so sweet
You sound so sweet
You sound so sweet
To me
You sound so sweet
To me

Cover Me.

I'm not sure how it's possible for life to feel foreign. I'm also not entirely sure it's a bad thing, but.. confusing and disorienting none the less...


------
"Just give me a second darling
To clear my head
Just put down those scissors baby, on this single bed
The sand in the hourglass is running low
I came through thunder, the cold wind
The rain and the snow
To find you awake by your windowsill
A sight for sore eyes and a view to kill

I broke down in horror at you standing there
The glow from the moon
Shone through cracks in your hair.
I shouted with passion,
"I love you so much"
But feeling my skin, it was cold to the touch.
You whispered "where are you?"
I questioned your doubt
But soon realized, you were talking to God now

You've got blood on your hands
And I know it's mine
I just need more time
So get off your low and let's dance like we used to
But there's a light in the distance
Waiting for me, I will wait for you
So get off your low and let's kiss like we used to

I looked in the mirror
But something was wrong.
I saw you behind but my reflection was gone.
There was smoke in the fireplace
As white as the snow.
A voice beckoned gently
'Now it's time to go'
A requiem played as you begged for forgiveness
"Don't touch me!" I screamed
"I've got unfinished business"

You've got blood on your hands
And I know it's mine
I just need more time
So get off your low and let's dance like we used to
But there's a light in the distance
Waiting for me, I will wait for you
So get off your low, and let's kiss like we used to "
-------------------------

hmmm

MSN's list of 22 things to do before you meet the right guy.

To Build Your Confidence…
1. Go to a movie alone.
2. Lift weights. When I bench-press 45 lbs., I feel like the bomb.
3. Try surfing, water-skiing, or some activity you don't already know how to do. Could be riding a bicycle.
4. Take out the trash, set a mousetrap, do your taxes, build a bookcase.
5. Live alone, or at least move apartments in NYC without the help of family.
6. Train for (and finish) a huge physical test like a half-marathon.
7. Go to a scary doctor's appointment by yourself. I once dragged myself to a CAT Scan in the dead of winter, all the way over on 1st Ave., post-break-up. I felt like I was made of steel.
8. Quit your job. It feels so good to take a job and shove it (and not be affecting anyone else's livelihood).
9. Fly to a foreign country by yourself. I was nervous on my first solo trip to Europe, even though I almost always have to travel alone.
10. Learn to stand up for yourself. (If you're not naturally assertive, may I recommend moving to New York City? It did wonders for me.)

To Be Able to Look Back and Say "I Had Fun"…
11. Witness something once-in-a-lifetime, like Jokulsarlon, a lake next to a melting glacier in Iceland (see photo).
12. Revel in being able to watch all the reality TV you want. I'm pretty sure no man will be able to stand as much Bravo TV as my roommate Erica.
13. Get drunk during the day, just because you can. Attend Santacon, the convention for Santas, or something similar.
14. Go on a date with someone who actually makes you nervous.
15. Go out with an older man who takes you somewhere nice and makes you feel like a million bucks.
16. Go out with a guy who makes you laugh ‘til it hurts.
To Get Perspective…
17. Be a good wing woman. It's not always about you.
18. Chill with your widowed and single grandma. She knows "alone"!
19. Volunteer.
To Make You Appreciate the Next Guy…
20. Do at least one Valentine's Day alone.
21. Attend a wedding (or 15) alone.

22. Date the creeps. You'll really value the nice guys afterward.


Ive done a lot of those. a few of them a couple times.... that last one 3 times ;)

yessss

hahahaha in between questionable and unsavory lies *douche* which means sara nadine is always correct

I've missed Ginny.

On my list of things to learn on the Piano :)
(yes there's a list now)

By golly I'll make it through this night!

:/

I painted your house

To pretty up the town
I know what it's like
When we're caught between a crowd

I know you feel alone
Perhaps it's time we grow
Get out on your own
To build a better Rome

Run, head for the hills
And bundle up the kids
We're planning a plot
And praying that our luck
Gets better

I'm piling up my plates
Counting what I've ate
Because I've got places to go
And I need to fit my clothes

I'm grabbing at straws
And bringing you along
Time can tell its tales
And I only half as well

As long as I'm this far
My face won't play the part
Or fit into the mold
To do what I've been told

I painted your house
To pretty up the town
I try to be good
But all I do is wrong

I know you feel alone
Perhaps it's time we grow
And get out on your own
Build a better Rome

I've been on the road
Trying to make a start
And all my pretty things
They just fall apart
But now I'm coming home
And bringing my guitar
I let slip a god
It's nothing that I want

So I really need a book deal.

If for any reason just because I swear I cannot sleep until I write.

And currently my insomnia has lasted about 45 hours. And those were work days.
BUT! On the other hand.. I just got out of bed, took Grace for a walk at sunrise (Which involved literally shoving her off of me and dragging her out the door, poor thing does'nt sleep much when I don't... except you know.. all day) So anyway we walked down to starbucks where I literally said a blessing over the place for being open at 530.. they are gods.. seriously...

So anyway.. Im chipper.. and fiesty.. and well have no other outlet besides you fine people who decide to occasionally check my blog.
Its only 931 EST, which means I could MAYBE try spontaneously annoying the heck out of some of my closest friends.. And its only 621 PST which means that all of the business/money/mail/shipping/ordering crap that I need to hash out cant be done for another 3 hours...
My parents are asleep... and the dog is still irritated that I bothered her...

But after scrutinizing over many seasons of West Wing I can officially announce that I'm either going to find Bradley Whitford and clone him so that I can wait 23ish years and marry his suitable adorable clone.. or if I realize that he's not nearly as witty as Aaron Sorkin made him out to be.. then I'll just marry Aaron Sorkin instead. lol

- I could blame all of this wit and humor on the lack of sleep and caffeine.. but really I'm just happy. Like the real satisfied-joyful kind. I realized on my walk that I'm where I wanted to be... I mean its stressful, and hard some days.. a lot of days actually.. but I actually have accomplished everything I'd hoped to. And being able to do it on my own means a lot to me. I've had so much help from my family.. but getting my car and my apartment without a ring on my finger has some sort of value to me that I can't really describe. Being able to just think back over what I've done this last year, and not feel all the pain.. really meant a lot to me.

Feels good folks.

T-15 days till the move ;)

MY NEW APT!!!!

  

 

I signed my lease this weekend… and Caitlin is all moved in. This is it its real, and I move in 2 weeks..

I’m so excited I’m trying not to squeal.

The kitchen

the hall and sunshine

Living room

Downstairs bath

Upstairs bathroom

My roooom

The Patio

 

Im so happy I cant handle it

Ps.) On an obnoxious note, this girl keeps playing and replaying this song at work, and now its BURNED into my head…

so its all the music I have for tonight “D

Its 3 am.

I cant sleep.
There's something up but I don't know what it is...
Maybe its because I have an exciting day planned tomorrow?
Maybe its because I'm stressed out about time or money?
Maybe its because I now officially am renting my own apartment?
Maybe its because A gets married this weekend which really freaks me out?
Maybe its because I feel behind?
Maybe its because I feel guilty about things?
Maybe its because of my dreams, and my fears that they are real?
Maybe its just from the sheer strength it takes to not call you and check?

Maybe it was just something I ate?

The worry, angst, fear, desire, excitement, stress, and mind-numbing thoughts that I've downed with a cherry coke tonight, are making it near impossible for my eyes to close.

I just have this feeling again, that if I close them I'll let something else sneak up on me...

I’m going to do this…

I have a ton going for me, and a lot of people who love me. I swear days can’t keep being this terrible.

But hey, my best friends engaged and Im signing my lease this week.

This really is me:

"i believe in pink, i believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. i believe in kissing, kissing a lot. i believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. i believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. i believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles. -audrey hepburn

Things will get better.

In the meantime I am kept smiling in my off hours by the wit of Aaron Sorkin, (and the beauty of Bradley Wittford and Rob Lowe)

P.S I love this show. So.. So Much.

Struggling to put my feet down.

Somehow Im supposed to have all the strength to get through all of these new things, completely alone.
I dont.
Im tired.

And I feel so weak because everyone expects more of me...
Im sorry, im broken or something.. but i dont have it.. I really dont.

Your fingertips across my skin The palm trees swaying in the wind… Images

To “A Fine Frenzy”

CONGRADULATIONS!

You have made the very VERY short list of female singers that I can continuously listen to without becoming irritated.

Joining the ranks of Celine Dion and the girl from Caedmon's Call.

You should feel honored,

Leslie

---------------------------------------------

That being said. I’m addicted.

“Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never let forget these images, no
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do”