"The heart may freeze, or it may burn, the pain will ease if I can learn that there is no future, there is no past. I'll live this moment as my last"

You know what I feel like tonight? A small tribute to myself.

6 Months ago I couldn't function. I think i literally lost my mind. In my head, I had lost absolutely everything. The small thread of a relationship that just shattered into a million pieces, had been the only thing holding me together for months. I had absolutely no idea what to do, who to talk to, when to sleep, whether I should even try to go to class, and i stopped eating entirely. I was 3500 miles away from anyone that cared about me, and i had hurt everyone in my life so badly that I couldn't even stand to talk to them.

I think i died a little the night that I sobbed till I passed out with the phone in my hand, and woke up to a dream where it was ringing, but it wasn't. And the worst part was for MONTHS waiting for the phone call that would just take all of the pain away. But not only would it not ring, but when it did nothing ever got any better. In fact it just kept getting worse.

Id like to say to anyone that's reading this, that it was just like a movie, and one day someone came a long and picked me up and i found a reason to live again. But look through these posts…that never happened. In fact getting close to another human being scared the crap out of me for so long that I have hardly spoken to anyone new in these last months.

Nope… It took time. So much time. Filling time with reading, writing, talking, and running, i tried my absolute hardest never to think. Then one day I couldn't stop it anymore, and it got even worse, because I had to face everything I've lost.

It took me months to realize that no one else on Earth felt how I did. I know this sounds selfish, but in all honesty, there wasn't anyone that was going through the exact same thing I was, and I needed to know that in order to face everything I was living, and realize that no one was going to save me from it.

Slowly, very slowly, I began to learn about grief, how to control it rather than vice versa. I remembered how true laughter felt, then shortly after I found whole hours where I could go without feeling as if Id lost myself. I began to find joy again, in good music, in a sunny day, in waking up (sometimes), then in conversation. Trouble was Id find these, and then Id go to bed and forget that anything ever felt better. It became a slow game of repeating days, trying to remember how i felt. Forgetting pain and anger that I felt. Putting things into my day that made getting up worth while.

Slowly the repeating stopped. It became a little less routine to get out of bed in the morning. And sometime in Canada on the beach by myself with no way to get a hold of anyone…I realized that i was no longer afraid of being alone. I think at one point I just started laughing, NOTHING CAN TOUCH ME ANYMORE! Seriously, I've made it through all of this, and you know what? I'm ok! I really really am. I'm alone, I have a plan, I'm confident. I love myself for the first time in my life. hah. I really do, i realize that I'm smart and I care and I have a lot to offer. Whatever God decides he wants me to do with that, for however long I’m left on this Earth, I’m ok with that.

And I really really need to not to forget that again.

:D