The Fast Starts Today.

Church was amazing today.
Best worship team Ive ever sang with. I had 2 complete God-moments..Itd been nearly a year and a half since He had sang through me. I couldnt stop shaking. Then Church in DT Seattle with Astrid. It was incredable.
Im taking sometime... Ive already been I guess...but im getting my life together. As Astrid helped me explain it...figure out who Leslie is without College, or Michigan....


Im getting stronger everyday.

Yet this is my prayer tonight.

"A million miles away from anything familiar

a thousand places I would rather be

so I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
in my heart I know your plan is so much bigger
but this small part is all that I can see and I believe you haven’t
left me here to wander
still I can't help but ponder where you're leading me

(chorus)and I ask why this road
why this way
and this load tell me how far must I go
till I see till I know why this road

A million miles away from anything familiar what was it like to be so far
from home
though you came in love the world misunderstood you there must have been
some days when you felt so alone but you endured, cause there was joy before you
joy that came because you sacrificed Since you gave yourself just to spend
forever with mesurely I can trust you'll lead me through my darkest times when I
ask why....

(chorus)From here I can not see why you'd choose this path for me but I
don't have to understand to believe that you know whyYou know why this road why
this way and this load you know how far I must go till I see till I know why
this road"

This Pretty Much Somes it up...

There's a lot that I don't know There's a lot that I'm still learning But I think I'm letting go To find my body is still burning And you hold me down And you got me living in the past Come on and pick me up Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast
And I'm alive And I don't need a witness To know that I survived I'm not looking for forgiveness I just need light I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution
And the bars are finally closed So I try living in the moment 'Til the moment it just froze And I felt sick and so alone I can hear the sound Of your voice still ringing in my ear I'm going underground But you'll find me anywhere I feel
That I'm alive And I don't need a witness To know that I survived I'm not looking for forgiveness I just need light I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution
You hold me down You hold me down I'm alive And I don't need a witness To know that I survived I'm not looking for forgiveness
I'm alive And I don't need a witness To know that I survived I'm not looking for forgiveness I just need light I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution I need light, I need light


Im still looking for it...I hoped I was doing well enough, that Id be able to move ahead...Im sorry that I wasnt ready...
Im still willing to try.. :/

I've been here so many times..

Why am i still here?

This time at night were I cant sleep because I want to help so badly, but i feel like crap about myself because ive tried everything to help, and nothing worked...

And because it didnt work, or because i tried to hard...for some reason, im the one you're mad at. Funny.
You cant be mad. But you can be like this...to me.


Life is so fair.

Some nights I just cant help but hate you.

How does it feel to know that someone wakes every morning and has to lay down their past and pain in order to make it through the day? How does it feel to know that its because of you?

I just dont know anymore...

Who is going to kiss my scars?
Who would want to?
And will it mean anything if its someone besides the one who gave them to me?

I wish my heart wasnt so heavy tonight..

"You remember me before I learned to run
At the kissing tree before I
learned my guns
We were 17, 17 years young

I am still running
I am still running
I had no idea the pain would be this strong
I had no idea the fight would last this long
In my darkest fears the rights become the wrongs
I am still running, I am still running I am still running

Build me a home
inside your scars
Build me a home Inside your song
Build me a home inside your open arms
The only place I ever will belong "

Lovin' Summer and taking Pics :)

I woke up the other morning and realized that I am quite happy here. Im able to be the person ive always wanted to be. I just couldnt stop being happy, i dont really know why. I was perfectly happy with who I was, and having my puppy with me, and getting to be on worship team, and having a summer job, potentially at one of the billion coffee houses Ive applied to. Also, I have this club membership and get to work out 3 times a week on this sweet schedule that my trainer gave me. Idk, im just happy. And I like that Im finally able to be me...coffee drinking, loving my dog, worship team leading, healthy...me.

PLUS! this place is so beautiful I get to take awesome pictures as well!

Heres some updates from my day at the market..:)

Stoping to smell the flowers :)

The colors were so great! Yay lilacs

And Tulips!

This guy was hoola hooping and balencing a guitar on his chin. LOL soo weird

I Like the angle on this one a lot.

I loves the colors and the patterns.

Som action shots of weekend frisbee :)

We all kinda look wayy to much alike

Holy Nutella! That top nutella was like a 40 gallon bucket.

Sleepy little girl.

Poor thing, really wanted to go swiming again...;)

<3

Somethings never change...

8. I talk to grace regularly..I’m a weirdo ..yes..but honestly I think she gets mad when I don’t for a while..we have a special bond..heh
-She seriously has the most personality of any dog I have ever met. I am completely convinced that she understands every word you say.

Its nice to have someone thats always there..

She still comes when I call her baby.
She still needs my hugs.
She still listens.
She remembers with me.
She doesnt ever just randomly stop loving me...

I still remember the day we got her. She entered my life the way everone else does it seemed. She needed me.
She was the smallest of the bunch and the only girl. All the other poor souls were laying on top of eachother in a hole in the sun.. stupid little brutes. And she was chillin, quietly in the corner all curled up...
She needed me...So I took her home..right then. On the way home, she looked so peaceful and cute/helpless that Gracey seemed the only name..
We figured out later that it was a ironic name..she was anything but graceful.
I wasnt planing on getting a dog then, and I set up the best I could. She slept with me for 3 months in the basement, cause she was so little and sad, and only 4 weeks old, I couldnt bare to leave her alone. I set up a laundry basket with like 800 towels so that it was level with the couch. She never made a noise that first whole night...well that is not till 3am. She put her little paws right next to my face and whined...pretty quiet...so I took her outside, then let her sleep the rest of the night on my chest.
She figured out pretty fast that she wanted to go out at exactly 3:17 am every morning, the grass was taller than her at first...lol she kinda got lost...But I was always so tired that Id make her run with me a little bit, to try to teach her how to walk better. The first couple nights she'd topple over and start whimpering cause she was terrified and freezing. So Id save her, pick her up out of the grass and sit on the steps with her for a little and talk to her till she fell back asleep, then we'd both go back to bed. Eventually she'd stumble along behind me, then walk next to me, then run with me, and after about a month she would beat me. This all happened between 3:00 and 3:30 in the morning.
After that, it was pretty much just me needing her.
Its nice to have someone that listens....and shes not stupid ya know? She completely has a personality, and she always knows whats going on. Plus I tell her everything, mostly when i cant tell anyone else.

-This may seem stupid, but anyone who knows me, knows that my dog is kind of like my best friend.

Ive told her everything..shes been here when I had no one else, Ive told her the things I was afraid to speak, she used to come find me in the basement when i was sobbing by myself, and sleep on my feet. I used her as an excuse to escape all the time..and she helped me get over my fear of the dark.
And tonight I had a meltdown, a bad one; I couldnt breathe, I was getting dizzy and really nausious, and i couldnt stop crying, and here she is.

Just like old times. Just the two of us.




Ps.)We both still miss you...

Making up for lost time...

Videos I hadnt got a chance to make. :D


The Rescue!!!


After the rescue!

A couple of last thoughts...

Im sitting in a completely empty sterile room, with no one, having just booked myself a ride to and from the airport, to go to a city that I havent resided in for more than a week at a time, and where I have 1 friend my age. Im really excited to go home...its just different.

Im so tired.
Today was completely insane.

Its a strange thing coming back to an empty hall, with very little amount of things, and realizing that you aren't taking anyone with you. Its just another phase of life, where I get to start over... again.

So much happened here. 1st semester I would have killed to get 2 seconds alone. Now, in this hall with no one, I've never felt quite so lonely...

I love the people I met here, and im a completely different person than I was when I got here. But unfortunately i was scared when i got here...
and
Im still scared. I dont know what will be next I really dont. But I went and listened to the waves tonight and just prayed.. Its comforting..ya know? Listening to the roaring gracefulness of the waves paralleling the personality of God and all that...

God will provide. He always does...even when the pain feels completely unbearable, hes around...and will step in when my feeble human ways fail me.

So if God's with me, then why am I afraid again...

I do trust in you. I do. I just want my heart to stop being so frantic...
<3 id="SPELLING_ERROR_12" class="blsp-spelling-error">dont think its going to stop...

IVE GOT MY COMPY BACK!!

And now im addicted to newsradio...

te he


"I complained about the complaint box...delicious..."
:D

Please watch and enjoy...its hillarious..

"I miss the sound of your voice..."

"Its all wrong...its all wrong..."

So I was packing for hours with Felisha (My room is currently a disaster) And Felisha and I were having a grand old time going through my CD's when she popped one in, and I heard:
*Random Strum..Cough...slight laughter*
At this point I yell "no nononono no bad no..."...but it was too late...

"How long can we wait here to say goodbye? The words once they're spoken,
are words that we cant take back to where we were before things got in the
way.
Life gets so confusing, when you know what your losing."

But before she had any idea what was going on i was laying in a heap on the ground covered in pictures and hangers that I had been holding...and I was sobbing...
Strange that was 3 hours ago...and it still hasnt stopped.



*I told you we shouldnt have changed the lyrics*


Im:
Exsausted
Weak
Confused
and I cant even get to the door of my room because there is so much stuff everywhere...
God, I hate packing...

"If you ever need a place that you can run to..Ill be here, Ill be here."

- Yep. I sure will, cause i always am.
But heres a question: Where the hell do I run?

I cant be strong anymore...I just cant.

A date with a soulmate :D

Today I spent a good deal of time with Natalie, incase you guys dont remember, shes the awesome one from New Hampshire that I met before I moved her on facebook, and then she ended up being in my small group for psychology...

Well she randomly asked me to hang out with her today, and it was pretty awesome...:D

We went to coffee and talked about all of the events of the year, and she convinced me to to Jazz band rather than concert band next year because its "cooler" lol. Plus it'll be easier on my schedule for work too since Im doing concert chorale and chapel band *whew*

Then we went to the pointless concert. Omg they are so ridiculously good.. I swear they are like a private christian school's football team... just tons and tons of delicious men, except they can sing. te he.

Anyway,

Despite my last post, I had a decent day...i'm just a little down...

I just dont like it that we are talking again, it makes everything so much worse for me....Because I talk with the expectation that one day you'll just get it. But you never do.

Ugh.

I think that this might make sense...but probably not, cause its just my stupid brain, and no one ever listens to the song I post anyway....

Hammers And Strings (A Lullaby) - Jacks Mannequin

Please, Listen to this....

Bloodshot - Jacks Mannequin

"The hills still left to climb and Its just so high, and Im just so tired..."

I used to just sleep, then when i couldnt take that anymore, I waited for my besties to get here, and went a little crazy.

Then I started running as my outlet and well...now Ive blown out my knees...

so running hurts REALLY bad, and I think its a really bad idea considering the sound it makes...

basically I have no outlet....and thats a really bad thing when I start thinking....

"Somedays,

I just dont think people get how hard it is to function when i live on the edge of a cliff and my drawer is full of narcotics."

- I wrote that months ago... but i never posted it because I knew how scared people already were....Im better.

But it doesn't mean that some nights arent still really, really hard.

Love you all...

It would help if people saw that I was still in bed, and asked what was wrong, instead of screaming about it..

God i'm so sick of living on this stupid hall...people should learn to care about more than themselves..

So anyway,
I just took this quiz, and it was kinda creepy...

What Your Birth Date Reveals About You!
Leslie this is what your birth date reveals about you!

21 + 2 + 1990 = 2013
2 + 0 + 1 + 3 = 6
Your Birth Number : 6

6’s are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy. A strong family connection is important to them. Their emotions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6’s should learn to differentiate between what they can change and what they cannot.

Heh, thanks for telling me that now....
lol
Bad day..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHTZd9bV6NY

I am pretty sure that "Breath Marks" from years of band, are why I have so many freakin commas in my writing...

..like I put a comma in my writing as if I were speaking and need a breath...haha..

WOW! I just found out how to edit this WAAAY easier..and make my txt pretty colors.. woo hoo!



Its not often that I get to post an exam..but I thought this one was pretty good. I had no idea that our final was going to be on the exact thing that Ive been posting about for the last 2 weeks. :D



Yay C.S Lewis!

I know its a pain in the butt....but if you get a couple minutes to read it, there are some really good excerpts from "Mere Christianity" in here.. :D

Leslie Vincent
Professor Pate
Final: Mere Christianity
5/11/09



In C.S. Lewis’ “Mere Christianity,” Lewis expresses his views on Christianity and how it is applicable to our everyday lives, actions, and emotions. Through basic scientific reasoning he explains why Christianity makes logical sense, and how he has reasoned it to be true. Yet a theme that Lewis repeats many times in his book is that of “dying to self” He makes it clear that based on his perception of Christianity, you cannot have a true relationship with God until you “die to self.” Throughout the book he makes claims as to why it is so important, and furthermore why it is so difficult for one to truly achieve.

Since Lewis expresses so often the importance of “dying to self,” what does he explain that it entails? One of the reasons we know that he finds it to be so important is that he concludes his book with a summary of death of self and what that means to a person. He explains that one must “give up himself”, “submit to death”, “and throw it (your own life that is) away blindly.” (Lewis 176-177) “Your life” that he speaks of includes treasures of this world, wants and desires that are held most dear and our own selfish ambitions. We must literally become creatures that live completely for God. It is important that he notes we must do it “blindly,” (Lewis 176) because giving yourself up to God knowingly, and knowing the benefits of it, is purely another selfish ambition. Therefore Lewis tells us that we must negate ourselves entirely in this decision and choose to live for God, in a personal relationship with him.


Now, of course the aforementioned is easier said than done. As we begin to realize what it truly means to no longer care about what we want, feel, or need, we also notice that it gets increasingly hard to want to give all of that up. Lewis, however, addresses this. In other chapters of his book he points out why human nature and “instinct,” make it difficult for this sacrifice to occur. In his chapter “Let’s Pretend” Lewis is making a point about how we are not actually sons of God, and that because we are “a bundle of self-centered fears, hopes, greeds, jealousies, and self conceit all doomed to death(Lewis 151-152)” we are not even acting like the son of God. It is in our nature to be sinners, those set-apart from God, and as such it is difficult to draw ourselves nearer to him.

Another reason is that we have pride. Lewis spends a great deal of his book talking about pride as, “The great sin.” He labels this as such because “it was through pride that the devil became the devil. (Lewis 103)” Lewis sees pride as the one sin that leads to all others. In his view it is through pride that we lust, are greedy, and not to mention because it manifests itself in all these other sins, when played out on its own, it can become a part of the church and ministry and no one ever notices. “This is why a cold, self righteous prig who goes to church regularly may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute. (Lewis 89) How are we supposed to die to ourselves, when our “self” is what we hold most dear? Worst of all we think ourselves to be above needing God when we are prideful. Because of everything that we are “good at” or possess, it is often thought that we don’t need God to be happy in this life, because we have found happiness on our own; it is as Lewis says pride is “the complete anti-god state of mind (Lewis 103)”

Also, some people find it difficult to accept the help of a savior, sometimes simply because we do not believe or trust that he is a true savior. It is difficult for us to accept that someone could have a saving power over us, since our pride tells us that we are all powerful and can save ourselves. When dealing with how “die to self”, it makes sense that if one was going to give himself up, it should be to something or someone that is better than he (even if that is selfish in nature.) Lewis explains how some people negate the value of Christ as a savior because it “must have been so easy for him (55)” and gives an analogy of a person unwilling to accept the help of a savior, by telling a story as if he were drowning.

“If I am drowning in a rapid river, a man who still has one foot on the bank may give me a hand which saves my life. Ought I to shout back (between my gasps) ‘No, it’s not fair! You have an advantage! You’re keeping one foot on the bank’? That advantage – call it ‘unfair’ if you like, is the only reason why he can be of any use to me. To what will you look for help if you will not look to that which is stronger than yourself? (Lewis 56)”

God is stronger than us, we need him, and we cannot get to him in full until we give ourselves up completely. Lewis, fortunately, agrees with this. So why is this ‘dying to self” so important in truly accepting God? Its significance is found in the realization that Lewis makes that “…everything which really needs to be done in our souls can only be done by God (Lewis 155)” In “Mere Christianity” Lewis devotes a whole book called “Christian Behavior” which describes a number of attributes that we are called to have as Christians such as; Social and Sexual Morality, Forgiveness, Charity, Hope and Faith. We are not able to transform ourselves to have these qualities, or become closer to God on our own. Our job is to surrender, and let him take control.


Why give ourselves up though? Once we accept the hand and turn everything over, what is God going to do with us? Well Lewis attempts to explain this throughout his book. At one point he states that because we are not “of God’ but more simply “made by God” we are like statues; we only have biological life in us and no spiritual life. He explains that going from biological life to spiritual life would be like a statue turning in to a real man. And so as he states on page 131 “…that is precisely what Christianity is all about. This world is a great sculptor’s shop. We are all statues and there is a rumor going ‘round the shop that some of us are some day going to come to life.” God wants to breathe spiritual life into us, to allow us to become more like him. Lewis also makes that point that in the bible God calls us ‘gods’ and that if we let him that is exactly what God wants for us.

“He will make the feeblest and filthiest of us into a god or goddess, a dazzling, radiant, immortal creature, pulsating all through with such energy and joy and wisdom and love as we cannot not imagine, a bright stainless mirror which reflects back to God perfectly (though of course, on a smaller scale) His own boundless power and delight and goodness. The process will be long and in parts very painful, but that is what we are in for. Nothing less. He meant what he said. (Lewis 163)

And finally, one of the best reasons that Lewis gives us to die to self in order to live for God, is because “He loves us.” Which we know, and is an argument well made throughout our childhoods, and Christian upbringing. But as Lewis says “He loves us. Not for any nice, attractive qualities we think we have, but just because we are the things called selves. For really there is nothing else in us to love… (Lewis 102)”

So this task, this dying to self, as difficult as it may be, in the theology of C.S Lewis is vitally important to receiving God. He makes it clear that it is a difficult task, that there is much to be learned about ones “self” before they can truly surrender. But also that Gods glorious riches await us when we do, through true humility and focus on Christ. As Lewis closes his book he validates his own argument. All that has been said throughout the book about; what it means to be a Christian, becoming new, and developing a whole different view on life as one made by God, all seems to flow into his final paragraph, as if none of the rest of it really mattered in comparison to these few words.

“Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fiber of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in. (Lewis 177)”

(And now....My awesome conclusion paragraph that made my prof smile as she read it..yesss)

***And when charged with that, the struggle of it all seems so small in comparison. The pride and self-conceit that all of us as Christians hold to so tightly in order to maintain our self-achieved “status,” really just goes away. This is what the essence of dying to self is, realizing that call we have received is more important than the instincts we desire to give into, and that any earthly thing is so much less than the treasures that await us when God turns us “statues” into “real men.” ***


I wrote this whole thing in an hour...it was 5 pages...and it only needed to be 3..yay!
If you just read this, than I love you! <3
Thanks ;)

I wanted so much to be there....

These are the ones that made me cry...

I miss you all so much...







Your the best sister Ive ever had...Im so sorry I wasnt there.

Im more proud of you than you could ever know...
(I wish I was more like you)

"9-Ocean to 3-Paul and 2-Sam, whats your 20?" "We're Car Shopping.." "Umm repeat that please.." "OMG DAVID DID YOU SEE THAT?" ....

So I love my job, I had a recent shift when there was a navy seals benefit going on...it was off campus..but the cars were ON campus...holy crap.
Basically David and I spent the whole 4 hours driving around trying to find the best cars, and then coming back and seeing who won.
I guess since I live here now, I get to have better taste...Thanks for the car knowledge auntie =D
I thought since I was talking about it, I might put them up so everyone could see them...
So here were my finds...I mean its me...of course I took pictures... ;)

We had some not so unique ones ya know..just
A Mustang GT Turbo
(Pick me up in one of these, and well..you win :D)

BMW's

Mercedes Benz

But then there is...
The Porsche's..
One undefined one as I took it quickly

The Boxter (=D)


And the Carrera <3

The Jag..

The Bentley...

The Aston Martin..ommmmgg (this is a sucky picture, we watched it drive by..it was beautiful)

And by far the winner of the night..
The Masarati



GAH!
I got some good ones, but david still won. :) Its ok, hes alowed to. I cant beat boys in everything, it gets intimidating....lol

I told my uncle about this today after sis's graduation party and he about died.

Uncle Chad: "Wait wait, your telling me that youd rather have a porsche than an aston marton?"
Me: "No, im saying that I like the porsche, i mean im a girl...come on.."
Uncle Chad "Well what make was it?!?"
Me: (smiles) "A Carrera."
Uncle Chad: "OHHH ok, thats alright then."
Me: "Buuut there was a Mazarati....it wins"
*Agreed*
<3

My Sister is a MSU College Of Music Graduate.

Proud day...
I <3 You

=D

I stopped writing this cause I got a migraine..awesome.

So, when i was climbing buildings, like a week ago...I bruised myself...well yesterday I decided to document this...

(Note: This was 6 days AFTER i originally started bruising, and notice the size of my left kneecap...)

Then yesterday I jumped off a stage in a scavenger hunt of sorts, and well managed to totally blow out my knee...my right knee...the opposite one from before..yeah..

Basically im doing really awesome all banged up and limpy...

(sigh)