"You dont know what your made of till the one thing that you want is comin' with the dawn, and suddenly changes.."

I dont think I ever really knew what exactly a broken heart was until tonight when it stared me right in the face.
I find that it comes when: you have done everything and given everything, and you realize it wasnt enough to save the person you loved most. Whether this is seen through a family that loses a love one to sickness, a father crying over his broken child,a daughter who realizes that despite her best efforts she cant keep her family together, or just an idiot who loved the wrong person and got to watch him leave. Theres just nothing you could have done.

Its terrible.
You cry for what you think is hours, until you realize its been weeks, you cant really eat, or you cant stop eating, you sleep for a few hours, or sometimes literally days, depending on how your dreaming. Then you get past the inital phase and you start to make progress, like you arent a total fragile worthless ball of emotion, then you start alowing yourself to think about what you lost for only a few minutes, and then you run..and you run for miles and hours hoping to forget what you just let yourself think about, that maybe the tears and pain will stay where your last steps were, and you wont have to feel them. And you go on adventures, and climb buildings, and meet new people, and swim in oceans, and feel breezes, and laugh and love.
You start to think that maybe itll be ok, then you realize (or at least I was 'Lucky' enought to realize) that you still have to suffer the conciquences for everything you gave. See apparently it wasnt enough to have to get put through an emotional blender, I also have to be bludgened to death by the constant reminder of the ways I tried to give everything. I'm sorry, but sometimes you just have to realize that YOU CANT UNDERSTAND IT. YOU WERENT THERE. THIS ISNT HOW YOUR SUPPOSED TO TREAT SOMEONE YOU LOVE, AND WHO LOVES YOU.
Life isnt fair, so stop seeking justice from people who have nothing left.


However, there was more than one realization tonight,Cause tonight I needed to help someone else, tonight I saw the look on someone elses face, that I had worn for months, and I knew what to do for them.
Shut up.
Dont pretend you know what they are thinking.
Give them chocolate.
Make them do their homework.
Kiss them on the forehead.
Then Let them sleep.

I knew this because it was what I had needed. However, it didnt stop me from running out the door as soon as I had put her to bed, and I kept running for about two miles until the crying caught up to me anyway. Apparently seeing someone else with a broken heart, breaks yours back open a little...

I dont think I should live on the edge of a cliff anymore. Cause its just added temptation on days where getting out of bed REALLY does not seem worth it.
I am stronger, I really am. But I cant keep getting thrown into this, I need someone who understands. And seeing as the person who should, doesnt give a shit, and everyone else wants to pretend they know whats going on and judge me for it, Im just not going to have that. So I guess Jason Mraz and I will just have to get along by ourselves...