I hate close minded people with VERY OPEN MOUTHS..

Oh to be in the world of literature debating again..only this time its battling out about C.S Lewis, so there's the whole moral aspect in there as well. I just really get sick of people monopolizing the discussion with worthless tidbits they picked up from their close minded, doctrine-less, non-denominational, mega-church, youth groups....hwgoiwhgoihwo/g

Yes, I'm frustrated...Ive literally had more intriguing conversations with the homeless people I help feed on weds. At least they are open to the thought that what they believe is not the only thing that can be correct.

I, however, love C.S Lewis...hes proof to me that the best believers are those that doubted for the longest time, then got knocked on their butts one day (a la, Ruth, the thief next to Christ on the cross, and Paul)Cause once they start believing, it rocks the earth, forms the church, and gives way to some of the greatest work God is able to do through people. And C.S Lewis was about as sound of an atheist as it gets, till with the help of his good friend J.R.R Tolkien, reading D.K Chesterton,and the realization that nothing else makes sense, rocked and changed his world.

We are reading Mere Christianity right now, and I love the simplicity of it. I had no idea but this book was actually a series of lectures he read via radio to England in WWII. Its exactly what it claims, an explanation of Christianity in its simplest form. One that claims to know not much, but has inarguable proof for the little that it must know. Its beauty lies in its simplicity, that's what I have found at least.

But supposing God became a man, suppose our human nature which can suffer and die was amalgamated with God's nature in one person, then that person could help us. He could surrender His will, and suffer and die, be cause He was a man; and He could do it perfectly because He was God. You and I can go through this process only if God does it in us, but God can do it only if he becomes a man. Our attempts at this dying will only succeed only if we men share in God's dying, just as our thinking can succeed only because it is a drop out of the ocean of his intelligence: but we cannot share God's dying unless he dies; and He cannot die except by being man. That is a sense in which He pays our debt, and suffers for us what he himself need not suffer at all.
I have heard some people complain that if Jesus was God as well as man, than his sufferings and death lose all value in their eyes, "because it must have been so easy for Him.' Others may (very rightly) rebuke the ingratitude and ungraciousness of this objection; what staggers me is the misunderstanding it betrays. In one sense, of course, those who make it are right. They have even understated their own case. The perfect submission, the perfect suffering, the perfect death were not only easier to Jesus because he was God, but were possible only because He was God. But surely that is an odd reason for not accepting them? The teacher is able to form the letters for the child because the teacher is grown up. If it rejected him because "it's easy for grown-ups" and waited to learn writing from another child who could not write itself (and so had no 'unfair' advantage), it would not get on very quickly. If I am drowning in a rapid river, a man who still has one foot on the bank may give me a hand which saves my life. Ought I to shout back (between my gasps) 'No, it's not fair! You have an advantage! You're keeping one foot on the bank'? That advantage - call it 'unfair' if you like - is the only reason why he can be of any use to me. To what will you look for help if you will not look to that which is stronger than yourself?

How?

How can I keep from singing your praise?
How can I ever say enough?
How amazing is your love...

And how can I keep from shouting your name?
I know that Im loved, by the king, and it makes my heart want to sing...


You make everything glorious, you make everything glorious, you make everything glorious, and I AM YOURS! What does that make me??


I love you Lord, and I lift my voice...to worship you, oh my soul rejoice. Take joy my king, in what you hear, and may it be a sweet, sweet sound, in your ear.

Did anybody tell you "I love you" today? Did anybody tell you "I love you" today? Did anybody tell you "I love you" today....(well)
Put me on your list. Let me be the first. "I Love You, today"


<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

My Daily Reminder:
Eph. 2:4 - "But because of his great love for us, God who is rich in mercy, Made us alive with Christ, even when we were dead in our transgressions - Its by grace you have been saved"

-I love that this was branded on me completely by accident. I thank God everyday for his promise-

I hope this helps you today =)
Goodnight!

FINALLY! :) Which means I'll get back to you when im ready to be there for YOU again...

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around
And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around
And I finally found that all

Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
And you just sing along out loud, yea

Come and go now as you please
Your actions write the melodies
To those songs that we sing
And you just sing

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around

Oh the blessings of not having a computer.....again.

Well, besides a lot of time actually spent with people here, and getting to play awesome games, and get pancakes, and ACTUALLY get homework done, I seem to be much less stressed...which is weird.

However, I also get to use other peoples computers....which means other peoples music...which means I find treasures of music that I used to love, and have missed so VERY VERY much =) yay! Annie and I are like the same person, its awesome.

Some lines from my favorite songs, and some of the actual music so that when i get my compy back I remember to get it =)

(Sang this at CL sophomore year)

Never Alone - Barlow Girl
"I cried out with no reply, and I cant feel you by my side, so I'll look high to what I know, you're here, and I'm never alone."

(Sang this last Easter with Brad...managed a 3 part harmony with sarah...I never thought it would apply so well..still gives me chills..)
East to West - Casting Crowns
"Im not holding onto you, but your holding onto me"


(Courtney K. gave me this CD jr. year)

Everything we had - The Academy Is..
But, I am no gentleman, I can be a prick,
and I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.
Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had is no longer there.

(Listened to this song sophomore year probably 96986 times)

Scars - Papa Roach
"I can't help you fix yourself, but at least I can say I tried, Im sorry but Ive got to move on with my own life"

(LOOOVEED this when it came out..sara gave it to me .(of course)I remember she showed this video to me on Fuse and it scared the crap out of me... I think she enjoyed that ;)

The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars
"Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am"

(In 9th grade I used to listen to this on the internet at school, cause I thought it was sooo bad that I couldnt listen to it at home..)

Cold - Crossfade
"I never meant to be so cold to you, im sorry about all the lies, maybe in a different light, you could see me stand on my own again....I never really wanted you to see, the screwed up side of me that I keep, locked inside me so deep, always seems to get to me..."

(haha I used to play and replay the credits of spiderman to listen to this...)

Vindicated - Dashboard Confessionals
"Vindicated. I am selfish I am wrong, I am right, I swear I'm right, I swear I knew it all along"

***(Its been 3 days, I figured out that you don't care...that + this song made me cry tonight...but that's ok...at least everyone says it is..guess I was more in the way than I knew)
Slide - Goo Goo Dolls
"Ohh..put your arms around me, what you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful"


Goodnight everyone...I dont know when I'll have a computer again...but my friends and the library are good to me..so probably soon!

<3

Great Day, with a side of mournfull...

Mournful because my dream car is no longer being made =( Since Pontiac is gone now, the Solstice will no longer be made...
sigh
Guess I'll to spend my excess thousands of dollars I have lying around on something else....;)

It was hard to get up this morning too.. I mean its nice, cause I feel free...but as I explained to Chris and Felisha last night, it just feels so wrong. I am always working to help people, and right now it just feels like that wasnt good enough.Its just stupid, I stayed around for waaay longer than I should have because I kept being told "I need you, I cant explain it but please dont give up" But now seeing as how Im clearly "not needed," I feel like I got fired.
I guess thats how quickly and easily one can be disposed of. Makes me kind of scared for life and relationships in general.
However..I got breakfast with Felisha this morning, which was a terrific start to the day, and the weather is perfect right now, its sunny, but breezy and cool, perfect spring jacket weather..I love it.

Plus the encouragement I have recieved today has been amazing...
Last night Chris suggested some different things to jump into a life of my own, where i could self nurture and really get ahead. One of those things was to get some encouragement, so he had me talk to his R.A. Cameron is just such a terrific guy,he was the chaplan of Gospel Choir last semmester, who prayed over all of us and said "God i dont know who it is but someone here needs to feel your love, needs to know that you love them even though all of this is happening" I knew he was praying for me, I had to leave the chapel I was crying so hard. This time it took him all of 5 minutes, (without me saying anything) for him to realize the amount of pain i was in. He told me that I had accomplished so many things already in life, just from what he knew of my move, and my relationships with people here. He prayed over me, and my relationships with my family, and those I invest in. Idk, it just did wonders for me, Ive felt great all day. The weirdest thing, is that he told me I was beautiful and worth something...and that about killed me. He just looked at me and said it, now I know he said it to encourage me so its not that big of a deal...but at the same time that made it a bigger deal. Ive been in so many relationships and given so much, and been hurt so badly, and that was all I needed to hear, and a stranger told me this, and I felt moved right down to my core....

Then i dont know, even to the level of the only other person in life who has been hurt the same way by the same person, txted me today..and the words she had for me gave me hope I guess...
"Im doing really great Les, this is out of your and my control at this point, and can really only be prayed about."

Im really proud of her...


AND MY CLASS JUST GOT CANCELLED...YESSSSSSS... NO MORE SOCIOLOGY =)

Some recent strangeness...

Ive had great conversations with about 4 guys, looking for dates for Trisha, and they have all been SUPER NICE. I tried to pull a favor with this one guy from my small group and hes currently trying to rearrange his entire schedual to accomidate me. Aww, silly boys.

And Im currently trying to figure out why they heck EVERY ADVENTURE, that chris and felisha want to go on, has to include AN INSAINE AMOUNT OF WALKING! Ogm (oh golly me) lol alex... My calves are so sore from walking up that frickin hill last night, I swear it was like 65 degrees, straight up...to lauren and sara...if you remember driving up that hill to "makeout point" and having to put the E brake on and nearly falling and dying...yeah it was that same hill...

GRRRR. Pain...YAY! encouragement...

Plus I just learned that there are many more people who read this than I thought...thats nice too :)

Still getting more and more nervous/excited for friday...

Pray for the house...Someone is coming to see it today...we MIGHT be able to sell it.. AHHHH I hope so..

thanks everybody.
<3

Who knew..

That four words have the power to free ones heart, mind, and soul, I think all it required was knowing that I was no longer needed.

Buuut Anyway..
I get to go on another adventure tonight, then come hone and read, and then make my VIDEOS! out of 2 of the most awesome weekends of my life... :)
Im rolling with this, so far the best times ive EVER had have been when I just walked away. I think not turning back around is going to be whats best for ME now. Thats a new concept....
but hey maybe this friday will yield something I wasnt expecting,something good, life has its way of doing that. :)
<3

Pray for me..

THE RESCUE!!! :)

So..this day was the longest craziest thing ever, but im going to try to recount this as best and as short as I can.

The day started at horton plaza, we met at the abduction point, after a long ride with a lot of cupcakes, and way to many people in a very small car...



Then we walked 3 miles or so to the park all connected to the same piece of rope. It was kinda super crazy and we got yelled at a lot, but ya know it was all good. After all we were amoung friends :)



We made it to the park which was considered our "LRA Camp" The media took lots of pictures and videos, and we had a grand ole time being super silly...





Then we settled in to wait to be rescued..we played cards and wrote letters, and ate...and ate.. :)




Then we got RESCUED!!!!!
By the chargers wide reciever Vincent Jackson... It was pretty exciting and succsessful, everyone started dancing and it was crazy amounts of fun. So they announce we are done..and Chris, Garren, Felisha and I, take off for an adventure of our own.
We went to town! Or well all over it I guess you could say.. we went to the top of numerous hotels to get the best views of the city, and it was a super amount of fun.



Then the rest of the adventure started...Getting home...

Yeah so the sprinklers soaked our stuff, we missed our rides, we lost felishia, we walked somewhere between 12 and 15 miles, I made up the word Fripen, thought felisha was trying to encourage me by telling me "beanstalk" was missheard and Garren thought that the 3 of us were making naked videos,I heard the best "thats what she said" of my life, I collapsed outside of a grocery store, was picked up my two kids in a stick shift at 3am...
This was how we were found when we were "Rescued"





Yeah..good times..
"I spy a man without skin"
"DUDE, be carefull of what stick your shifting!"
"Oh come on come on, HURRY, I cant wait any longer"
"I spy a man with creepy eyes." "Garren?" "Yes thats correct"
"I DONT FRIPPEN KNOW WHAT TROLLEY IT IS!"
"Dude let me ask you something" "Ok?" "Do you feel super wet and sticky?" *I giggle* "WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR DIRTY MIND??"
"I got resuced by MAC POWELL!"
"Felisha I cant walk one more step" "Bean stalk ducky!" "What??" "BE STRONG DUCKY" "Oh ok, that makes more sense"
"HAVENT YOU EVER SEEN TAKEN???!?!?!?"
"Can we PLEASE take the train to TJ??"


Oh my..."The memorable college times.."
bahaha


;)
<3

Rescued?!?

A full account of tonight will be coming shortly...I am too sore and tired....holy crap...

Well.. I'll talk to you guys on the other side...

Its April 25th...and ya know what that means...

Im getting abducted today.

<3

So, ever wonder happens after the movie? Now I know.

Ya know i sit here, and watch all of these stupid movies, over and over...and the thing is..everyone waits for their happy ending, everyone waits for that perfect person to come into her life and tell her that she was everything they had ever wanted...thing is that 3 months after the movie, that person who came along tends to realize that he was just in love with the idea of you...
then drops you like a bad habit.
Then instead of lamenting over the fact that you "didnt choose the guy who actually cared about you all along" you have no idea who the main characters were to begin with...not even yourself..
God I f'ing hate these movies.

Framing Hanley...

K so this first song is HORRIBLE...but its a remake of the lil wayne version.. and frankly i find it hillarious with a side of genius :)



and this second one is just rediculously good...
this guys voice is amazing...


and of course...this one with this title..would be how ive felt all week...Its your fault but..Im so pissed at myself...Dont you see?? This is why I cant be your friend...I cant let you close...someday you might agree... again..

Why my best friends name is Sara Nadine Scrumpciolisious Scott =)

Sara sent me this message today on facebook, and i laughed so hard i about fell out of my bed....

HOW CUTE!
Hippos are practically the very definition of Disney-cute. What sort of person could look at this big ol' rascal, playing away in her favorite swimming hole, and not think of stuffing her in a tutu and making her dance to classical music?

For christsake look at them. There is no way you could look at a big, fat, happy, squishy, huggable hippo and not think, "If she could talk like a human, she would sound just like Jada Pinkett Smith and be oh so sassy." You would totally name her Sassybaskets and she would be your tutu-wearing, ballet-dancing, strut-walking pal for life. Just you and Sassybaskets against the world! Look out, New York, here comes Sassybaskets!

OH SHIT! RUN!
It turns out in the real world, hippos fucking kill people.

There's this word, "territorial," that nature takes pretty seriously. When it's applied to a two-ton animal with teeth the size of bowling pins, that is one hell of a word. The sort of word you either pay very close attention to, or ignore and end up with a complimentary "Killed to death by a fucking hippo" tombstone. That sort of thing is really embarrassing for the family, you know?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

thankyou, and my feer of hippos has been rationalized =)

ohhhhhhh noooooooooooooooo.....

My chapel fine is going to be rediculous....
ugh.

Why do I NEVER wake up!

I swear to God if I have mono..........................



egihwi;ouhgiowhgpoh'gegpohepgoh'eghwhegpohgpoh'ghwg

yay, i get to go to class now.
Awesome start to an awesome day....

I MADE IT THROUGH ANOTHER 23RD!

YAY!
I had a really good night actually.
DPS banquet where I managed to set up the PA system, and do the prayer...which was weird...lol
But it was good company and good food. Plus is was nice to get dressed up for a change. I went running again. Another mile, and this time 150 crunches...still 15 minutes though..
Im thinking if I do 7 miles, and 1050 crunches a week, that should be pretty good. Its only 15 miuntes after all.. bahaha, lets see how long this sticks...

Ok well im tired...like a lot. So Im sleeping now.. yay for tomorrow..only 2 classes, and not that much to do...oops Soc. quiz I forgot about.. I should stop forgetting about that class...heh.

An Old Journal Entry...but new for here :)

I just got back my Africa journal...I was reading though it and found some hidden treasures, in the back was an entry from the plane ride home from the Caymans...As I see it, life was good then. I was stable, and a certain someone had not yet infiltrated my existence.
But these thoughts brought me back, and I wanted to share them...

I realized that I never stop thinking, with the infrequent exception of taking a sleeping pill and losing the mental capacity to think. But really, I always am thinking about, "What’s next, what do I have to do, nothing? Ok then, call someone, plan something, accomplish something, so this, don’t do that, talk to these six people because you didn’t yesterday, try to avoid these things today, and maybe you’ll make it back to bed without having an emotional breakdown."
It the very melody and rhythm of my life. It wasn’t until recently that it occurred to me that it makes life very un-enjoyable. See there is nothing like spending a week, eating, and waiting to jump into the next swirling pool of water to keep you from over thinking. I realized that the harmony of life is truly what I enjoy. Those counterparts that you can latch onto, while you listen to the melody go on. I often sing like this, singing into the slightly off flow that’s just wrong enough to be perfect, and when it’s done right makes everything sound better. In a life sort of aspect this is also where my thoughts reside when I stop getting lost in the melody. They float along rather abstractly, not taking people at their face value, but trying to find the motive or plan that drives them. Wondering about the composition of simple life elements. I enjoy life here, I feel like I get more accomplished, like I’m using all of my capacities to broaden my life view.
For instance, when I think about breathing, and send the air all the way through my lungs, into areas that haven’t felt that rush in weeks. Or when I can almost breathe my way through a headache and past thoughts into a rational part of my mind that hasn’t been used in a while.
I spent a lot of time on the beach this last week doing that, taking mental pictures of the reflection of the sun of the water, the likes of which I’d never seen. Walking down the shoreline and observing that life actually existed in those tiny shells that studded the beach. Keeping Coldplay as a soundtrack I sat in the same chair a lot, just watching, then starting to get uncomfortably hot, I’d throw on my mask and snorkel and dive into see what wonders the sea held for me that day.
When I jumped in, the water instantly cured me of the intense heat I felt, Id close my eyes and enjoy the refreshment, but then the fear of what may be in the water with me would grip me and my hold body would tense as I looked for whatever the threat would be. Once the initial apprehension passed though I could explore holes and caverns in the rock that held endless amounts of life and beauty. Brightly colored creatures entered and exited the coral. Occasionally however, my great adventure would be halted by a mistake of my own that would have me sputtering out salt water, and flailing about in the ocean. Then Id return to my thoughtless gazing into the depths.
On the way home from this adventure I was thinking about this whole experience harmonically, because frankly I have nothing else to do. It occurred to me that ones spiritual life could be bettered by thinking this way about most things. (Not to say that one should always think abstractly, as viewing the theology if that oncoming bus might be detrimental in the end) However, I feel that there is something of beauty to be found flowing in the counterparts of a relationship with God.
For instance, just as diving into the water, getting to that place where you feel that God has complete control of your life, has an initial period of worriless bliss, floating along in all of God's grace and love is perfect. Losing your need for control giving it to him is just like jumping in. Then as you start coming around, that feat grips at your mind, wondering if what you’ve given up has also put you at risk for something to sneak up on you from a depth that you couldn’t see, and you panic. After a bit of mental coaxing, however, you can convince yourself that it’s definitely what you’re supposed to be doing, and you continue looking for all of the beauty there is to be found. You keep going until you manage to screw something up and send yourself sputtering back up to the surface, where with prayer and patience you manage to get back to where you were. Or not wanting to work at it anymore, you can politely bow out and head back to your life of self-controlling behaviors and distance from God.

This whole little allegory may seem slightly out there. But this little charade happens with me continuously in and out in and out, flowing between the melodically and harmonic stages of life.

Now granted. The melody of life is where progress and reality lies. But it takes all of the beauty out of life. And the harmonic way is full of depth and meaning, but in this life I can’t to anything of purpose living in this stage. In all honesty they flow much better together, when the two are merged, the sound is greatly improved, beauty and technique become one.
So how do I find this balance in my own life? Because honestly I’d love to be floating through life with God in control and I think he wants me there too. But I also have no desire to go through life with my head in the clouds only to get hit by a bus.

Soo, in other news..

Today was a really productive and wonderful day!

I took an exam, figured out a way to raise my grade in another class, and did a presentation in my WRI110 class on stem cells that I actually enjoyed giving..bahaha...That marked the end of my crazy project for that class...only thing left is to read "Mere Christianity" Which is a book i thoroughly enjoy! Also, I worked on my videos, had a couple important pow-wows,got my paper work for Euro-term, got enrolled for summer classes, got a summer internship (well almost, just need confirmation)went to wallgreens, ate an entire meal of hummus and a fruit smoothie (mmm), went to time out, got a date for Trisha for the GYRAD, ran a mile and did 100 situps (In 10 minutes total, which I thought was weirdly quick..) and then watched 2.5 men with Trisha and now im getting some sleep. =)

tomorrow is the DPS banquet..Im excited..yay for formailties just to have a rediculous time eating free delicious food!

Also my new video making software...(shudder) love it!!!! Sony Vegas Pro, and CS4, in the same day...GAHHH

I love it!!!!!!!!!

So new vids should be up soon =)
<3
I shall sleep well tonight!

WHY THE HECK?!?!?

LLBL Vincent (11:53:09 PM): im so tired
LLBL Vincent (11:53:17 PM): and so sick of this
rinom373 (11:55:38 PM): it's like he pushes you away, and then does what he can to pull you back in arms length
rinom373 (11:55:47 PM): i don't understand why
LLBL Vincent (11:55:53 PM): hes sadistic
LLBL Vincent (11:56:01 PM): or he really loves me
LLBL Vincent (11:56:09 PM): niether are nice
rinom373 (11:57:45 PM): yeah...
LLBL Vincent (11:57:55 PM): go to sleep silly
rinom373 (11:58:14 PM): it's just you constantly have to deal with all of it and make things work and put your guard up and take it down and i don't know
rinom373 (11:58:48 PM): it's really unfair
LLBL Vincent (11:58:56 PM): hence the exsaustion
LLBL Vincent (11:59:16 PM): HE DROPPED EVERYTHING SO THAT HE COULD PROVE HE CARED?
LLBL Vincent (11:59:22 PM): HE DIDNT GO TO A (f'ing) MOVIE
LLBL Vincent (11:59:22 PM): 1
LLBL Vincent (11:59:30 PM): AND HE MADE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT
LLBL Vincent (12:00:02 AM): How many times, how many (GD) dates did he ruin, how many years did i substitute my relationship with NORMAL FUNCTIONAL people for him
LLBL Vincent (12:00:05 AM): im sick of his (S)
LLBL Vincent (12:00:13 AM): im sick of it, i dont know what he wants from me
LLBL Vincent (12:00:54 AM): hes ruined me, and had all of me, and scarred me for life with pain i have to live with everyday
LLBL Vincent (12:01:14 AM): why wont he just frickin go away?
rinom373 (12:03:13 AM): i know i'm so sorry....
rinom373 (12:03:24 AM): it's like he's addicted to the nostalgia of your friendship
LLBL Vincent (12:03:26 AM): he doesnt even want to work for it anymore
LLBL Vincent (12:03:35 AM): he just thinks I'll be there
LLBL Vincent (12:03:45 AM): and the f'ing retarded part is IVE TRIED
LLBL Vincent (12:03:48 AM): IN EVERY ASPECT
LLBL Vincent (12:03:53 AM): EVEN NOW
LLBL Vincent (12:04:00 AM): and i still get treated like this

I wont do it.

Im not her, and i wont let you treat me like i am. I have way more for my life than this, and you've taken way more of it than you ever should have. I guess it cant be dramatic and climatic, sometmes you just have to decide to turn the other way and not be used.
I guess thats what im doing today.

so.. to answer..

"What are you going to do now?
Im walking away.
From you.

The Songs Just Keep Coming, like punches..

Why did I think everything would be easier now?


If I made a song out of the lines of songs I keep skipping it would sound a lot like this...

Its like 2 people talking I just realized. The bold is me...

"I see shadows of who i used to be, So long love, say goodbye, lets not waste our time.."but i miss you like hell, I still hear you in this old piano, I know we dont talk as much but please write me a song, give me something to trust just promise it wont just be the keys that you touch", But now im stuck inside a memory, "you forgot about our destiny, didnt you love me?" Im crying out 'THIS ISNT HOW I GO, All I know is that my days go on and on without you here, Dont be there, you be around and I'll be square. "Did you know that I could never leave you? And did you know, that I could never beat you? I will let you down, when you FINALLY trust me FINALLY believe in me, trust me I'll be there when you need me, you'll be safe here, I will let you down, once you finally believe in me." I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like. Is it over yet? "Bring your secrets to me, just give me your hands and Ill let you feel the warmth." If you believe in me how can I be disolving? If you'd believe me I'd tell you everything. ."

BUT YOU DONT DO YOU?

No joke, that is exactly the order the songs played through.
Apparently my random shuffle even knows about this weekend. I hate my life, and myself sometimes, but a lot of the time just the repeating story line that is this...

Im seriously going to be sick..Im so sick of this.

"What is up with your face??" "I dont know..."

Wooooooooooowwwwww.

Longest weekend ever.
Very good, but seriously exsausting.
Yesterday was insaine...especally since there wasnt exactly a break between yesterday and sunday.
My favorite part was the fact that I got hit by a taxi, because the guy was pissed that I wouldnt let him rip me off. Amazing. I get out to get him cash because he tells me he takes credit, only to then tell me that he doesnt. Then while im gone, he drives around the parking lot and ups my bill. So when i come back with 15 dollars, for the 13.80 that it was when i left. Its now 15.60. So he says "GREAT, who is going to pay this??" and Im like "Uhh, some other college kid that you dont rip off? Im not paying that got it?" He nodds his head and i go to get my bags out of the trunk which he just popped for me. So he obv. knows im still there. When I feel something slam into my shin and I realize he backed into me. I grab my bags and run around to the window with a "WTF" look on my face. And he speeds away.

Anyway, Im back. Feels kinda like I never left. I have to close my eyes and think in order to bring back any of the stuff that happened this weekend. Which in someways is a blessing compared to the last couple weeks.
I dont know how to organize it all. I try to by person, like only remember the events tied to the person im remembering, but its still hard. I havent really told anyone the full story of this weekend, I guess its just cause there is not a soul who would understand the full thing. Im not even sure I do.
I hate that stupid town, it makes me face so much of who I was, and be someone that I never really wanted to be.
But hey,
I survived.
Thats all I really wanted.

I love you all. And you are the reasons I came back.
<3

Im going on a blind date?

College is soo weird. Lol. But yes, its official, Trisha got me a date today, and i have no idea who he is, but apparently hes "hot" and "really nice" so all we are missing is a hint of bipolar disorder and sounds like a perfect match....oh boy...
I hope I make it through this...lol

There are certain material things that I tend to fall in love with.

Some girls "Love" their...
-Prada Bags
-Coach Shoes
-A good shade of lipstick
-A perfect hairbrush
-A love song
-Chocolate

But I can seriously say that the moments in life that make me feel the best (that dont have to do with anyone else) Are with things like:
-A perfect 3 part harmony attained in a worship setting
-A very provacative one-liner that ends a chapter of a book and makes you feel cold and hot at the same time. And makes your head spin with thought.
-And finally, lines found in journal articles of medical archives at 3am that prove 2 years of research paper writing on a certain subject, lines such as:
"But some scientists said that until they can obtain funding to create new embryonic-stem-cell lines, the new policy will go only part of the way toward eliminating restrictions that have hindered research."

HA. SHOVE IT WRI110 PROF.
I swear next time "DO YOU HAVE PROOF" Is written in the margins of my paper THAT I GOT AN 85 ON, because my professor didnt understand(Or have any background) on the paper SHE asked ME to write. Im printing this out and handing it to her.

ooooooooooooooooooooooh, chills one of my favorite songs just came on "KRWLING" by Linkin Park, but its on "reanimations" so theres like a 3 minute intro thats amazing.

I should go back to my paper now, im feeling rather fiesty. :)

I think quite possibly...

Id say "yes."

In Theory of course ;)
You made me smile, yet again.



Read my blog titles straight down.

Maybe Ive fallen...

I need to know if you were real
'Cause I've been known to get it wrong
When the memory comes
I'll say I'm always in the dark
You got me now

I can't remember how it went
You looked like everything I wanted
And as you came along
Slowly everything began to change
I got you now

I want to give you back.

That's enough
Just talking about it
I don't mind
I don't mind no I
Laugh enough
Just dreaming about it

I need to know if you were real
I'd hate to think that I'd been fooled again
And as the vision fades
I'll say I was blinded by your eyes
I felt them burn

For you...

Were the whole relm of nature mine,
that were and offering far too small,
Love so amazing, so divine,
demands my soul, my life, my all....

Still my favorite verse of a hymn...

It makes me feel so small and insignificant and unworthy, yet he still died for my worthless self. I love it..

Goodnight..
<3

I think its possible..

I cant wait either.

=)

Good night!

Good Friday...

So on wednesday I had a stunning realization. I am Job. You know from the bible Job. It just so happens that even in recovery I have spent so much time drowning and lementing in my own sorrows that Ive failed to see God's glory in my life. Now on wednesday I had the following thoughts;
Who am I? Who am I that I think I know pain? That I could forget Christ's sufferings, to even think of limiting them to his death. How could I pretend to know what it feels like to be abandoned, or hurt or let down? How do I sit and whine about my own challenges and forget the suffering Jesus went through on this very day. The nails, the crown of thorns, the beatings, werent even half of it. He was exsausted, he couldnt sleep. He had spent weeks being threatened and discouraged, only now to have all of his friends fall asleep at the very time he needed them. His good friend denied his exsistance to save his own skin. Posed with the threat of dying he prayed earnestly, only to have them unanswered, he spent hours on his knees with such anxiety that he burst the capilarys in his head and was literally sweating blood. (I think this may constitute a very large headache.)
Who am I to pretend to know suffering, again?
And if this wasnt enough, after spending three years of his life in fellowship and love with a trusted friend. This friend betrays him. Makes up lies, ruins Jesus' reputation, uses him and all of their friends to get a few silver coins. And not even behind his back, he leads a group of angry men with torches directly to him, and simply kisses him on the cheek as if nothing happened, as if three years of love and support meant nothing to him.
Who am I to feel sorry for myself? Who am I to feel hopeless and abandoned?
After all of this, he is silent, undefensive and still somehow forgiving and full of love, as he endured the worst pain and humiliation and death. He looked down upon his mother and best friend as he died, knowing they could do nothing to help him now. And he died completely alone, the love of the father had left him, he cried out to God "Why have you forsaken me" and there was no answer, no lack of suffering, because of me.
Im amazed at how selfish I have become, lost in my suffering lost in my pain, and in turn, completely losing perspective.
How can I do anything more than be silent and take what is given to me. After all, I have sinned I certainly deserve this more than Jesus did. How can I do anything less than look directly in the face of those who have caused me pain, look at them with love and let them leave? After all, who am I?



These are the thoughts from weds, rather raw and frusterated with the recent state of myself. But tonight was a whole different realization for me.
I finally did it, I told my family, everything that I felt, about my childhood and the hurt that belongs there. But thats just the thing it belongs THERE. People are not the same as they were then, in fact I think I might be closest to the same of any of the four of us. Everything happened as it always does, people were mad, hurt, crying defensive. But something very different happened too. I finished talking, I voiced everything I had to say, and you know what? I dont ever feel the need to say it again. It hurt, it was hard, I was shaking and crying, and literally tried to run out the door about 4 different times, but they wouldnt let me. And when i finished, I had been rude and mean, and hurt peoples feelings. But as I apologized something very different happened, the cries of hurt and defeat where the same, but I heard them differently. I heard what they were really saying. I was loved. They do what they do, because they've been trying to protect me. Ive never, not in 19 years felt like this. I held both my parents as they sobbed, I was terrified. I heard them say things that Id heard before, but they really hit me. It has all been about me, ever since I was born, and I thought this was a bad thing, like they resented me for it. But theyve only ever wanted me to know I was loved. From my dad standing next to my incubator telling them what the doctors could and could not do to me, to my mom making sure her own family stayed away from me so that my life was easier, to my sister and brennan begging my mom to come down for spring break because they were terrified something bad was going to happen to me, and they didnt know how they would live without me. (Im sobbing again) I colapsed on to my mom, for the first time in years, and just said "Im so sorry, I missed you." And its true, I did. So much.
My dad got me, after I explained how I hadnt ever felt like I was enough to fix anything, and that I just kept giving until there was nothing left to get people to love me and to care, and to know i was trying, he said..."I cant imagine what its like to be you Les, but I know that it must kill to come back from 3 weeks in Africa with children who knew your love simply because you gave them food, and showed them Jesus, and have someone youve loved for most of your life lie to you, hurt you, and give up on you, I cant imagine, but im so sorry."
I hadnt realized that, but he was right... children who didnt even know me and had no reason to trust me, loved me and blessed me so much in 3 weeks of my life, more than someone who I knew 1/2 my life. When he said it, I burst into tears. Ive never known such hurt, Im serious I think my heart imploded. My dad spot on located the source of my pain. It really helped me let go, and gain perspective. I love these kids..



















I have my family back. After years and secrets and lies and hurts, I finally have my family. And God it feels so good. I mean that, THANK YOU GOD, IT FEELS SO GOOD.

Im home.

I love it.



I sang this with Rob tonight. It was amazing.

And Jesus, on this Good Friday, my hurts and sorrows, just dont seem so big.

<3

What do I do now?

I want this. I do. But how am i supposed to know whats right anymore, im kind of terrible at making decisions. Most of me thinks that i should work to make this work. Then I think, Ive worked hard enough for 2 lifetimes, but maybe not for this...?
It makes so much sense. This is supposed to be the easiest decision in the world. Why am I so confused?
I do love you.
I do miss you.
I have missed you for a long time.

Am I that person anymore?

What happens when I see you for real?

You've made so much right for me, made me so happy...I want that back.
But so much has gone wrong. So very wrong.

I keep remembering that day I told you you I couldnt believe you were real. That was the last time we really talked. I want that back.
Ugh.
Im praying harder than im thinking. Im going to sleep on this for a while.

<3

"Are there no shadows where you are?"

Im haunted. So much so that I cant sleep anymore. Theres just too much. And everytime I start to move on and forget all about it, when the weight of my heart finally subsides a little, you break back in and totally wreck me.

"Are you so niave to right it wrong? How could you watch as sins forgone? Does what we've done every really belong? Its wasting me away, I feel so wasted away...my chest hurts as I breathe tonight"

I didnt think Id make it through last night. Its to a point where the pain is so great I cant cry. I just lay there, and it seeps into my head, chest and back. Im not even tired anymore. I have a full day and I will go, and I will make the best of it, because I owe that to myself and everyone Ive lost because of this. It wont be the last time I feel like this, there will be a million more nights where I dont even feel apart of myself.

But Im trusting in you, Lord. Thats all I can do. "Your Grace has found me just as I am, empty handed but alive in your hands"


Good Morning.
I wish this had the innocence of being all about you.
It just doesnt anymore.
You just dont know.

I CANT WAIT TO GO HOME!

Thats pretty much it.. =)

Im sick of being sick.

But that has led me to 2 realizations
And Im addicted to lost.
And im sad E.R is over...:(


And I have a strange obsession with this picture.
















And now Chris is here to sing..

So I suppose that is all.
<3

Every Sunday it hurts again. And I dont really know why.

"On lonely nights I start to fade
Memories made in the coldest winter
Goodbye my friend
Will I ever love again?
Memories made in the coldest winter
It's four am and I can't sleep..."

C&P'ing this somewhere i will read it over a bunch of times...

(12:46:14 AM): les
(12:46:39 AM): i'm saying this to you for your sake....i know it's not something you want to hear though
(12:46:40 AM): but
(12:46:44 AM): it's over
(12:46:50 AM): things are never going to be the same
(12:46:57 AM): you're not going to be a big part of his life
(12:58:40 AM): you can't base your whole life on the fact that you two were good friends
(12:52:11 AM): he can be okay without you
(12:52:18 AM): that's just what you need to realize
(12:52:27 AM): you don't need to make sure he is

I have no idea what im trying to do...
I dont want to be here, I dont want to be doing this, I dont even want to care and most days I really dont. Tonight I do, and tonight Im sick. There seems to be a tie to this passing out and chest pain shit. Every single time I get back involved, my overall heath meter goes down like a Sim after a house fire. Lol

Im actually kinda about myself this time, I havent felt this awful in a while...:(
But NO! Im not going to the Dr. Unless his name is Pepper. I have too much to do. :)

Thanks for tonight, you. I really appreciate it. ;)

I love picnics...I hate this..

Some modeling

"I Love You" :)

Me and V!

I swung into that tree, it was thorny, and not so graceful. :)

This afternoon was terrific, getting out and talking. But it seems like im always having a great time and coming back for it all to get ruined.

I did an acoustic cover of this song with Chris this weekend, it was amazing, and i have to say, the harmony is very fun.


"Talkin, talkin talkin talk, baby lets just knock it off, they dont know what we been through, they dont know bout me and you"
HA.
Good idea Kayne. :)

I cant get rid of this chest pain...Its starting to freak me out.

<3 for tonight.

The Fast, The Furious, and some fruitloops...

Great movie, good snacks.

It was great to get out tonight, David, Marie, E and I... I miss going to late night movies. I think the last one i went to was "The Dark Night". It was totally spontanious and a TERRIFIC movie. I had forgotten the power a good action film on ones psychi, Id been stuck in this cave of chickflicks for so long, some fast driving and hot but intense men was a nice refresher, and much more my style than the "perfect ending" crap id been watching. :D

However it didnt quite take away this anxiety attack, the pain in my chest has been so intense all day that I ended up, putting in the italian job, and laying with an icepack on my head out in the lounge. I popped some vicodin at about 2..its now almost 4 am, and it didnt have the effect I wanted. I still have a serious feeling that something really bad is going to happen, or already has.

"Please dont do this, stop before its to late."
"Its already too late."

Im pretty sure that this weekend is pay back for a month of worrying people...

I AM ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!

Guys I love you all so much why is everything falling apart at once, especally when im not there to help. I love you, please be ok.
Please be ok....

Ive been on my knees, my heart bowed down.
My head in my hands, my face to the ground.
Lord if there is something I can do,
Please show me now.
Watch over them tonight...
My heart is breaking
My eyes are swollen
my head is aching
I feel so broken.
I need to be there. But I cant tonight.
Im here and I pray that they are alright.
Watch over them,
I cry out for them
Watch over them tonight...

Ive had this stuck in my head all night..

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can't make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
�Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home
Home, home, home

Just Got in...another 4am day...
Holy Crap, Laser Tag, Guitar parties, 5 games of dodgeball, Singing party in the greek, and a 4-mile walk/talk with two of my favorite people ever. Great Great Night.
This must be what finds you when you stop trying to make your own happiness. :)

<3

So Ive been slacking...

Im sorry to anyone who actually enjoys this blog, but there are two reasons that is not up to date.
1. Im ill. Like the kind where you think you slept for like 2 minutes and it turns out youve slept for 12 hours and now have a chapel fine. Yeah that kind of sick.
2. I have 4 midterms this week. And I work for 10 hours tomorrow for some random reasons.
3. Theres a BIG project underway...Im super excited about it...but that is soaking up all of my creative juices for the time being.

Im sure ill have some weekend fun to post soon!

I did watch some great movies last night though...

Gray: I told them all the great things I know about you and there were a lot. I was up there for a while. I didn't tell them everything, though. I left out the complicated stuff, like how it took losing you forever for me to truly find you. And how finding you turned me into someone else entirely. That's not what they came for. People want to hear you were great. Not that were great, but also, sometimes, not so great. They want to know I miss you. Not that while I've been missing you, I've fallen for someone else. It's weird, though. I feel like the only one who would understand this is you. In a way, that makes sense. Anyway, I left all that out and I kept it simple. I told them I loved you and that's the truth.