Good Friday...

So on wednesday I had a stunning realization. I am Job. You know from the bible Job. It just so happens that even in recovery I have spent so much time drowning and lementing in my own sorrows that Ive failed to see God's glory in my life. Now on wednesday I had the following thoughts;
Who am I? Who am I that I think I know pain? That I could forget Christ's sufferings, to even think of limiting them to his death. How could I pretend to know what it feels like to be abandoned, or hurt or let down? How do I sit and whine about my own challenges and forget the suffering Jesus went through on this very day. The nails, the crown of thorns, the beatings, werent even half of it. He was exsausted, he couldnt sleep. He had spent weeks being threatened and discouraged, only now to have all of his friends fall asleep at the very time he needed them. His good friend denied his exsistance to save his own skin. Posed with the threat of dying he prayed earnestly, only to have them unanswered, he spent hours on his knees with such anxiety that he burst the capilarys in his head and was literally sweating blood. (I think this may constitute a very large headache.)
Who am I to pretend to know suffering, again?
And if this wasnt enough, after spending three years of his life in fellowship and love with a trusted friend. This friend betrays him. Makes up lies, ruins Jesus' reputation, uses him and all of their friends to get a few silver coins. And not even behind his back, he leads a group of angry men with torches directly to him, and simply kisses him on the cheek as if nothing happened, as if three years of love and support meant nothing to him.
Who am I to feel sorry for myself? Who am I to feel hopeless and abandoned?
After all of this, he is silent, undefensive and still somehow forgiving and full of love, as he endured the worst pain and humiliation and death. He looked down upon his mother and best friend as he died, knowing they could do nothing to help him now. And he died completely alone, the love of the father had left him, he cried out to God "Why have you forsaken me" and there was no answer, no lack of suffering, because of me.
Im amazed at how selfish I have become, lost in my suffering lost in my pain, and in turn, completely losing perspective.
How can I do anything more than be silent and take what is given to me. After all, I have sinned I certainly deserve this more than Jesus did. How can I do anything less than look directly in the face of those who have caused me pain, look at them with love and let them leave? After all, who am I?



These are the thoughts from weds, rather raw and frusterated with the recent state of myself. But tonight was a whole different realization for me.
I finally did it, I told my family, everything that I felt, about my childhood and the hurt that belongs there. But thats just the thing it belongs THERE. People are not the same as they were then, in fact I think I might be closest to the same of any of the four of us. Everything happened as it always does, people were mad, hurt, crying defensive. But something very different happened too. I finished talking, I voiced everything I had to say, and you know what? I dont ever feel the need to say it again. It hurt, it was hard, I was shaking and crying, and literally tried to run out the door about 4 different times, but they wouldnt let me. And when i finished, I had been rude and mean, and hurt peoples feelings. But as I apologized something very different happened, the cries of hurt and defeat where the same, but I heard them differently. I heard what they were really saying. I was loved. They do what they do, because they've been trying to protect me. Ive never, not in 19 years felt like this. I held both my parents as they sobbed, I was terrified. I heard them say things that Id heard before, but they really hit me. It has all been about me, ever since I was born, and I thought this was a bad thing, like they resented me for it. But theyve only ever wanted me to know I was loved. From my dad standing next to my incubator telling them what the doctors could and could not do to me, to my mom making sure her own family stayed away from me so that my life was easier, to my sister and brennan begging my mom to come down for spring break because they were terrified something bad was going to happen to me, and they didnt know how they would live without me. (Im sobbing again) I colapsed on to my mom, for the first time in years, and just said "Im so sorry, I missed you." And its true, I did. So much.
My dad got me, after I explained how I hadnt ever felt like I was enough to fix anything, and that I just kept giving until there was nothing left to get people to love me and to care, and to know i was trying, he said..."I cant imagine what its like to be you Les, but I know that it must kill to come back from 3 weeks in Africa with children who knew your love simply because you gave them food, and showed them Jesus, and have someone youve loved for most of your life lie to you, hurt you, and give up on you, I cant imagine, but im so sorry."
I hadnt realized that, but he was right... children who didnt even know me and had no reason to trust me, loved me and blessed me so much in 3 weeks of my life, more than someone who I knew 1/2 my life. When he said it, I burst into tears. Ive never known such hurt, Im serious I think my heart imploded. My dad spot on located the source of my pain. It really helped me let go, and gain perspective. I love these kids..



















I have my family back. After years and secrets and lies and hurts, I finally have my family. And God it feels so good. I mean that, THANK YOU GOD, IT FEELS SO GOOD.

Im home.

I love it.



I sang this with Rob tonight. It was amazing.

And Jesus, on this Good Friday, my hurts and sorrows, just dont seem so big.

<3