Well...I had stuff to say

But i just got loaded up with vicodin, and the computer screen is getting smaller, at least the pain is gone slightly...
the drs will know tomorrow if i need to have any follow up, depending on the pain.
i can physically feel myself passing out..this is weiirddd..

Its nice to have finally let the people who actually love me in to help me with this though.

Telling me youd pray for me and do anything to make sure I was ok, got me through today.Thank you so much..
And its nice to have someone special who cares. :)
<3

Ohh my god, im so tires and i seriously cant feel any of mu limbs, perty much kust pain.
.......i thinf it may be tihme ot sleep.
owwwwwwwwwwch

Ohhhhhhhh Canada...

Up at 530, huge family fight, drive to vancouver, get out, greet the fam. Start unpacking all of my sister and brother in laws belongings only to realize that the entirety of our family heirlooms have been packed so horribely by her in-laws that they are completely beat up and dead.
Poor sissy...
I thought she was going to have a heartattack.

Oh well, we fixed everything up, their house is beautiful...

unfortunately now that im back, (and have watched taken...yeah remind me not to let anyone take my frickin picture in France)..I have a migraine that can only be discribed as such...
PEIORHGIORHG[934H09HY3HG'PRHOJG'ERJG'P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yep.
cant sleep.
need to now.
ouuuuuchh.

Remembering old times...

Just heard this song, and remembered when this was one of my favorite songs, cause I danced with andrew to it at his uncles wedding...
back when things were simple...
When Love meant love and care, and spending time together, and simple fun. Not lies, and pain....
*sigh*


Im excited to feel like this again, and I think Im on my way there...

I remember the days
of just keeping time
of hanging around in sleepy towns, forever
Back roads empty for miles
well you cant have a dream
and cut it to fit
but when I saw you, I knew
we go together, like a wink and a smile
Leave your old jallopy
by the railroad track
we'll get a hip, double dip, tip toppy, 2 seat pontiac
So you can rev her up
don't go slow
It's only green lights and alright
let's go together with a wink and a smile
like a wink and a smile
Now my heart is music
such a simple song
singing again, the notes never end
this is where I belong
Just the sound of your voice
the light in your eyes
Your so far away from yesterday
Together, with a wink and a smile
We go together, like a wink and a smile.

This is new...

Usually I about to have a stroke cause of all the things I have pent up inside me that I need to say. Not anymore.
I have nothing to say, mainly cause I feel nothing.

My turn to be emotionless I guess, I really just dont care anymore.

But here, just for some fun, here is the last few songs that I related too.



Personally, After I stopped laughing, this song made sense...idk


And my personal favorite.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otZdiO0q6pU

I thank God for these girls.....

We literally planned an entire event on a picture on facebook. lol

Tessa Rath at 2:18pm June 21
Cute! Leslie we need to hang out again.
Leslie Vincent at 2:20pm June 21
I know!! Soon ok? Anyone have any desire to see the proposal??
Tessa Rath at 2:35pm June 21
Hmm never heard of them. . . I'm going to Death Cab for Cutie at Marymoor Park on July 19th, you should come if you like them!
Leslie Vincent at 8:13pm June 21oh, haha its a movie,
But yeah I might go with you to Death Cab, that'd be awesome.
Tessa Rath at 8:31pm June 21
Baha. Music is always on my mind, I can't help it. Sure, I'd be up for a movie! Leslie Vincent at 10:58pm June 21
we should figure out work schedules and try to have a girls night this week :D Kelsey Marie Dill at 11:21pm June 21
YESSS GIRLS NIGHT!Leslie, i miss you!
Leslie Vincent at 11:23pm June 21
aww I miss you girls too!!
We need to reconviene our awesome heartbroken singing abilities over the 405.
:D
Kelsey Marie Dill at 11:24pm June 21
yes we do! updates on that, things are okay. i'll explain not on facebook :P
oh and p.s. i heard the proposal was AMAZING :D
Leslie Vincent at 11:25pm June 21
I think we should try to go see it on like a tuesday night and then catch up with all the "not on facebook stuff" Ive got a lot too ;)
Tessa Rath at 11:56pm June 21
Hey ladies, I don't know if I can make it Tuesday, my dad's going out of town again on Wednesday so that'll be my last night with him, and I'm also working Wednesday night, but feel free to go without me if you must :)
Leslie Vincent at 11:57pm June 21
not a chance...;)
we shall comiserate and find a day that works for all..

Haha, and they love my dog.

Leslie Vincent has the most B.A dog ever, she just batted a tennis ball out of the air on a bounce, then army crawled underneath a pathfinder to retreive it. :D\.Kelsey Marie Dill and Astrid Olsen like this.

Leslie Vincent at 11:45pm June 24
hahah i love you girls :D Thanks for tonight!!
Kelsey Marie Dill at 11:46pm June 24
tonight was AMAZING :D
must do it again soon!!
Leslie Vincent at 11:47pm June 24
I propose that we do a photoshoot sometime. I love taking pictures, we could coordinate outfits and find awesome scenes. It could be electrifyingly awesome ?? :D Astrid Olsen at 11:48pm June 24
True that.
Kelsey Marie Dill at 11:17am June 25
amen =)



I think Ive found soul mates =D

I keep reading and re-reading this…and trying to coat my heart with the knowledge of your grace...

¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
       and there are no grapes on the vines,
       though the olive crop fails
       and the fields produce no food,
       though there are no sheep in the pen
       and no cattle in the stalls,

¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
       I will be joyful in God my Savior.

¹⁹ The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
       he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
       he enables me to go on the heights.
       For the director of music. On my stringed instruments.

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

The sacrifices of our God
Are broken in a contrite heart
Against you and you alone
Have I sinned
Would you create in me a clean heart, oh God?
Restore in me the joy of your salvation
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole

This is hilariously sad…

Ok, so this is terrible, but also one of the funniest things Ive ever read. Basically what happened is that 1st north (the pride and joy of hendricks in all of its comradery) is about to be girl infested, because once again the girl to guy ratio has shifted and they have no where to put all the girls. So they want to move them into a building full of guys. Now no one would have cared normally, but first north has the great advantage of having a 3 person apartment, that allows them to thrown awesome private school parties, (ala hendricks Christmas, in which they dress as scantly clad elves, have fake snow ball fights, and provide nauseating sleigh rides that end in shooting Russians.)  I consider the following  the great battle between mans primal instincts, sexual desire, and territorialism… also the desire to be rule following private school boys….

Chris K, my friend from school posted this note as a cry for help to get the situation resolved.

The replies are hilarious…and the picture that represents what they are trying to save cracks me up too.The guy with the straightener is Izzy, Chris’s roommate, and the guy putting the  gay moves on him is Graham, my GUYRAD date…LOL

I highlight Antony Wright’s comments, they are amazing…

Can't Go to sleep! Read this if you care about 1st north...

Yesterday at 4:02am

So you guys probably hear that first north is going to be a girls hall next year, due to the over flow of girls at PLNU.
Any idea's on how to save 1st north... The apartment guys and I are planning to meet with Bolster, but it would be nice to have some idea's on what PLNU can do to not make this happen.
What can PLNU do with extra girls...?
We need some creativity...
3 girls per room...
Use the covenant...
little help guys/girls... Please!
Remember no 1st north without guys means no hendricks christmas, it brings a lot of conflict, no late night sting pong, no guy times in the lounge, we'll have to be quiet...

Jedidiah Grooters at 6:20am June 21

it will ruin everything that's good about hendricks. that's quite a case.

Antony Wright at 9:29am June 21

First of all, I'ma get mine, and no damn hookers on 1st north will prevent that. Second, you forgot that my package will still be in hendricks, Jed, so there goes that argument. Third, this is the worst thing to happen, ever. I think they should've taken the bottom floor of Young Hall, which has it's own entrance, and separate units, much more isolated. Plus then the freshmen from 1st floor of young would be sent to hendricks, saved from a lifetime of piss and douchebaggery.
My main plan for fighting this: show them how terrible an idea it is by impregnating every single one by 2 weeks into the school year. Jed, there may be a few dragons to slay, can I count on you?
Follow up plan: Have them cook/clean for us, and ignore them at all other points, including those times where I'm running around hendricks with my dong out....
My room is literally the furthest one from the infection, anyone seeking refuge until the scientists discover a cure is welcome to join me.

Scott Callisch at 10:41am June 21

That is actually a great idea Tony! Having the girls go to the 1st floor to Young and putting the freshman in Hendricks instead of Young is a much better idea. The freshmen don't feel shafted being put in a different dorm since they don't even go to Loma yet, and the girls are just transfers and wait-listers so they shouldn't get priority over people who already have rooms! I am definitely going to suggest that to Bolster.

Alex Swanson at 10:43am June 21

all the good looking girls share rooms with the boys. and they are limited to wearing only skimpy bikinis all the time and they have to shower with us.

Mike O'Steen at 1:06pm June 21

Moving the chicks to Young instead sounds like the best idea, and probably the one that would work the best... However, if experience has taught me anything it's that once a change in housing is made, they stick to the plan. I say that if we can't get them to move to Young we make the best of it by trying to change open dorm rules to 10-10 on weekdays and 10-1am on weekends (this is how other private colleges have their coed open dorms).
Also, we should try to get Jeff Bolster to buy Tim the janitor a throne so that he can sit around and tell the girls what to clean, cause that's what they should be doing, not Tim.

Braden Deisher at 1:11pm June 21

I am trying to take this situation with a grain of salt I know this wasn't an easy decision for Res-life. So please if we could keep the insults and derogatory comments to a minimum... they aren't helping the situation... we are better off pointing out errors in logic and our fears that would result from Hendricks being Co- Ed.One anytime a girl  wanted to do laundry they would have to go to the second floor... lets face it if most of the guys in Hendricks are wearing our pants during open dorm the faculty should be ecstatic. But to expect us to do it on every floor 24/7... well I don't know that I could guarantee that girls wouldn't see things they don't want to see. This isn't really an issue of having girls in Hendricks for me as much as it is having girls forced to see things that well lets be honest, they will never understand and would literally scar them for life. Yes I am a Hendricks man and I don't want this to happen but we may have to make some concessions here.

Antony Wright at 1:20pm June 21

God, more open dorm hours is the exact opposite of what I'd ever want ever. Good call on the throne for Tim though.
The problem with the young plan is it's, you know, putting a bunch of girls with a bunch of young dudes. They'd make the news again, except for a series of rape and other such charges, in a dorm with a new RD, an RD who barely even moved off campus at any point.
Logically, I'd say with the additional influence of women around, hall unity, the pants policy, and even grades would suffer. Fact is, the dynamics will change with women around, and some people just don't want to have to put up with that stuff....
Oh, and I forgot this important follow up to the main plan: Refuse to pay child support, or talk to them again after the events of the night.
I think I want to host a contest for who can say the funniest thing about this change.

Adam Haley at 2:15pm June 21

fuck this no girls in hendricks evah

Andrew Sanders at 6:16pm June 21

bollocks

Christopher Koreerat at 6:23pm June 21

maybe some idea's guys... and less of the this is wrong thing... we know that... What are some idea's that Res Life can do with the extra girls.
***young idea= thumbs up

Braden Deisher at 6:52pm June 21

What about even putting them in Wiley.. I mean they have Units and can easily be separated also the guys there are a little older (at least there are no freshmen) and should as a result be more mature and deal with the girls more affectively. Plus that would remove the whole laundry issue from Hendricks AND would put the transfer girls closer to people their own class giving them a much better shot at integrating into the PLNU community.

Christopher Koreerat at 7:07pm June 21

that's what i was thinking... keep the ideas comin

Joshua Hill at 9:32pm June 21

we make the best of it by trying to change open dorm rules to 10-10 on weekdays and 10-1am on weekends (this is how other private colleges have their coed open dorms)." - Mike great idea
and tony i know but we'll just run around naked anyway.
- swans has the best idea as usual.
"all the good looking girls share rooms with the boys. and they are limited to wearing only skimpy bikinis all the time and they have to shower with us."...

this has the potential to either suck or be the most awesome thing ever... im going to opt for #2 until proven wrong. and hey that means more sophs on the other halls, which im totally down for havin yall join us =)

What am I looking for?

I wish I knew. I know the answer wont come during the day… I stay up late trying to find it, to think through all the emotions that I suppress just to make it through the day. But when I'm up this late and I allow myself to think about it, it does something to me. I feel like I'm suffocating. Memories, words, actions, feelings suddenly coarse through me in a way that is physically painful. I’ve thought of myself as so stupid for letting something still get to me after all this time. Especially something that didn't last long at all in course of life. But, for some people a single day can forever affect their life. Right?

I feel as if when I look back at the year during the day, that 5 months of my life should have a black line through them. That because I was living for myself so much, I didn't accomplish a single thing of lasting value. Other days, or probably nights rather, I see a single day on the calendar, or am  reminded of the tiniest moment in time. And it feels so potent and close, that I cant hardly breathe. First because of the shock, of being thrown back into that world, and then because of the realization of how many miles and memories separate me from that time.

The memories are never good. But some days, they are just nothing. They don't hurt anymore…they just confuse me. And its then that I remember that I have no idea who I am.

So what do I want? Well, if I were to explain it tonight I think I would have to say justification? Maybe? I just want someone to tell me that how i feel makes sense. That its normal, and acceptable, and that they  once felt the same. Maybe someone older who was once where I am….but how do I trust enough to find that person? I need someone i already trust, but no one in that category has ever been where I am. Well, that's not true. But, exactly what I want isn't possible, I learned that  a long time ago.

Well, its almost 2 am. And my mouth and head hurt so bad I cant think anymore…heh.

In the morning I will wake up feeling the same, walk to the bathroom mirror and tell myself to get over it, and then with a loud song and a shower, wash away all thoughts of the previous night. Its what works, I just wonder how long Ill have to keep pressing the reset button before the night and the day can function together smoothly, and I am happy in both.

Its hard to type with a pulse ox. on…

I'm in the ER right now, but I'm bored to death, so I'm going to make up for lost time and post some summer pics :D

 

Before the job interview..

     

A Mars hill night :)

 

Seattle…

 

 

Astrid and I.. ;)

Handy Slideshow, cause I can.

yay for my new programs :)

So this is a new thing….

I’m currently using “Windows Live Writer” which allows me to automatically update my blog from my computer…which makes editing and formatting a heck of a lot easier…I would begin by uploading my new pictures, but the card reader on my brand new computer isn’t working right now…and I'm getting a little pissed off….but that just might be because I'm incredibly sick and that it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Anyway..this at least is really super cool.

So blogs from now on should be much more interesting. Apparently not starting with this one…hmm.

All I have to do is chronical sara and I's conversations apparently...

LLBL Vincent (11:50:54 AM): is matt lyle ever going to have a girlfriend that we think is good enough for him?
ilyinfinityplus0 (12:27:43 PM): haha
ilyinfinityplus0 (12:53:18 PM): and I'll never think his girlfriend's good enough for him unless it's you
ilyinfinityplus0 (12:53:19 PM):D
LLBL Vincent (1:12:23 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHA
LLBL Vincent (1:12:30 PM): awwwww
LLBL Vincent (1:12:33 PM): really?
LLBL Vincent (1:12:39 PM): that just made me smile
ilyinfinityplus0 (1:14:13 PM): You two would be the most sexy duo ever
LLBL Vincent (1:14:20 PM): hahahahaha
LLBL Vincent (1:14:35 PM): i think i should just send him a facebook message
LLBL Vincent (1:14:36 PM): that says
LLBL Vincent (1:15:59 PM): "Hello, ive been in love with you since the 8th grade. You are the sexist man alive. And Ive known we were meant to be together since that time at celebrate life where we played go fish. And then the next year when you winked at me I was reaffirmed.
Lets get married
LLBL Vincent (1:16:37 PM): oh and "The day you accepted me as a facebook friend was the best day of my life"
LLBL Vincent (1:16:59 PM): think it'll work?
ilyinfinityplus0 (1:21:47 PM): it should, if he has a soul
LLBL Vincent (1:39:48 PM): if i could marry matt lyle Id never complain about anything
LLBL Vincent (1:39:49 PM): sigh...
LLBL Vincent (1:39:53 PM): im 13 again..
ilyinfinityplus0 (1:43:14 PM): nah. he is one fine chunk of man meat
LLBL Vincent (1:43:22 PM): true..that..

=D Just further proving our immaturity

I can have the worst day, and be in great pain, with the pain killers and anesthetic wearing off, missing home, and being horribely busy..

And yet..still consider it a good day because of my awesome friends :)

It all started with sara posting this pic.

Leslie Vincent at 5:31pm June 17
this is the weirdest frickin picture of all of us...I look like i have a black eye..

Sara Nadine Scott at 5:32pm June 17
Ummm, I look like I have a bun in the oven. hahaha

Andi Zynda at 5:39pm June 17
maybe it's because we were all fire burnin' on the dance floor 2 seconds previous to this and someone screamed PHOTO OPPPPPPPP and we all ran here sweaty, glorious, and ready to model our dresses to resemble our American Flag color scheme of dresses. BTW- this is how the Flag should be redesigned...can I get a what what.

Sara Nadine Scott at 5:40pm June 17
BAHAHAHA. ZANZIBAR! I MISS YOU!

Andi Zynda at 5:45pm June 17
i didn't mean to say dresses twice or capitalize Flag... MR BECCCKKKK

scary tv that wouldn't turn off just popped in my head.

i laughed....
alone.
lets hang out. :(

Elyse Ledy at 6:30pm June 17
ohhhhh wow i just realized how much i miss you all and zanzibar's ridiculousness :) that was one of the greatest picture comments i've read in a LONG time!

Sara Nadine Scott at 6:31pm June 17
Hahahaha. OH MY GOD, MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOP!
*creepy carni music*

AHHHHHHHH!

Leslie Vincent at 8:30pm June 17
AHAHAHAHAHA....
Ill be home at the beginning of august...lets do
THE CYCLONE!!
*arms fly in the air...people are injured...food flys everywhere..but best of all we look like sexy retards*
:P...
I miss you all..

Leslie Vincent at 8:32pm June 17
And Zanzy...werent you and I actually dancing WHILE he took the first picture?
Oh and that was the night you dealt me my E on the dance floor...
HAHAHA good times..
Sara Nadine Scott at 8:33pm June 17
LESLIE! You're gonna be home for my birthday?!?!?!??!?!?! SEXY SLEEPOVER IS IN ORDER!
Leslie Vincent at 8:33pm June 17
thats my plan lover ;)
Sara Nadine Scott at 8:34pm June 17
I was listening to Work It today, and Steven was like "This is a dirty song"

So I sang it louder, and car danced in the living room. Luckily I wasn't late for dinner though ;)

Then I took it a bit farther...

Leslie Vincent Is it worth it?
Let me work it...
I put my thang down...flip it, and then reverse it
*gibbberishhh*
*elephant noises*
*roots reference*

Love it!

Sara Nadine Scott at 8:37pm June 17
hahahahaa. Don't forget about getting your hair up did.

Leslie Vincent at 8:41pm June 17
I need a glass of wataa
Sara Nadine Scott at 8:41pm June 17
Call me before you come I need to SAY WHAAAAAAAT?!
Leslie Vincent at 8:42pm June 17
picture little kim dating a pastaaaa
Sara Nadine Scott at 8:43pm June 17
Sex me so good I say Blah blah blah
Leslie Vincent at 8:44pm June 17
Big red, minute men can out last yaa..
Sara Nadine Scott at 8:44pm June 17
Gimme some some, some of this in a bun!

p.s. We have this song all whack.
Leslie Vincent at 8:45pm June 17
wiggity wack?
Sara Nadine Scott at 8:46pm June 17
No, just regular kind.
Leslie Vincent at 8:49pm June 17
we = the best, best friends...ever..
Sara Nadine Scott at 8:49pm June 17
Why you act dumb like ughhh, duh? So you act dumb like ughhh, duh.
Leslie Vincent at 8:51pm June 17
If ya gotta big =O
Let me search it, find out how hard I gotta work it..
Sara Nadine Scott at 8:52pm June 17
I'm not a prostitute but I can give you whatchu want .
Leslie Vincent at 8:53pm June 17
oh yesa massah
Sara Nadine Scott at 8:57pm June 17
Boys, boys, all type of boys... Black, white, Puerto Rican, Chinese boys!

...Its really an anicdote for douchebaggary ;)


Unfourtunately I have to go back tomorrow for more torture...hopefully there will still be people to cheer me up..*sigh*

So Im kinda freaked out...

...That Im going to look mildly like a crazed teenage groupie here. (And yes rob if your reading this I give you rights to laugh openly at me on thursday.)

But, Ive been talking to a lot of you guys back home about the coffee house I might work at, and the worship team Im singing on, and the worship pastor, and the sweet violin player, and blah blah blah.
So I thought Id give you some actual evidence:

1. Here is the Rob and Peter playing at Kahili, the best coffee house on earth.


2. Here is a small sample of the Peter's talent/screaming girl fan club.


Basically, these people and their music keep my life awesome here :)

"I love this song, but I hate that we were the girl in this song..." - sara nadine.

This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did i that day

All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me [x2]

You could consider this a bad day...

I was coaxed out of bed at 5pm today with a pudding cup and a clean warm blanket.


Sometimes, life has to be just about yourself. I always thought I was trapped into what I do because of how it would effect everyone else. But this only effects me. And if I dont start taking myself, and my health into consideration, it could just get worse.
And that scared me into bed. For a while.

Lord grant me the peace to get through this.

"While we wait for rescue with our eyes tightly shut, face to the ground using our hands to cover the fatal cut. Though the pain is an ocean tossing us around, around, around, You have calmed greater waters, higher mountains have come down. So I will sing of your mercy, that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy."

Its a game, and I wont play it.

Most of the time I try not to think about it, but I swear to God Ive got myself so mad today that I cant hardly contain it.
And on top of that, since Ive started to realize that no one even reads this anyway, I can say whatever I want.

HOW DARE YOU? That is all that is running through my head right now. How dare you quarentine me into this little box that has to deal with YOUR timetables, and the things YOU have to do.
YOU HAVE NO GOD DAMNED IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE PUT ME THROUGH!
Should I count the number of dinners, picnics, weekend gateaways, family vacations, important conversations, that you have interupted and/or RUINED, with JUST my previous boyfriends (not to mention friends/family and otherwise)
I COULD TRY. But itd be a rediculous feat.
But hey I can deal with interruptions and slightly over-emotional whining.

I dealt with it, and perserved through it, because I loved you more than this stupid relationship.

BUT THEN, how about the way once those realtionships became long-distance, you made it nearly IMPOSSIBLE TO CARRY ON WITH EITHER OF THEM. You did EVERYTHING you could to be in that perfectly compromising placee or conversation with me, no matter how hard I tried to avoid it, JUST to make things difficult. Not to mention on top of that the constant persuading me that both of them were SOO NOT RIGHT for me, or how I deserved better than what they offered me, not to mention the slight "suggestion" that YOU could do so much better. Yeah that worked out didnt it?
You asshole.

I used to think it was just something that "I had to deal with" that "it was just the way you were" Until I realized that if I put A THIRD of the effort you did, into doing the SAME THING TO YOU, how much frickin damage it would cause.

But I wouldnt do that. And you know it.
And frankly I dont have to. Being here. Taking it all. And being the person I always was and always have been is enough.


Isnt it?

"Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care...

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now, Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?


You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it,
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care

Do you really have everything you want?
are you happy now?"

Good day...

I survived this...



I made it to this...


yep. those are "successfull days for me. Cool huh?

Reasons why Sara Nadine Scott is my best friend ever....part 2

LLBL Vincent (3:36:42 PM): hey sara, in an "Ex's dog match" who do you think would win?


LLBL Vincent (3:36:54 PM): (note to self, date a guy with a decent dog)

*names have been censored in consideration of the canines feelings*

ilyinfinityplus0 (3:37:17 PM): Hmmm, well (1) is bigger... (2) is just an annoying fucktard, and (3) only has one ball.... So I'm gonna have to go with (1)
LLBL Vincent (3:40:48 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LLBL Vincent (3:44:11 PM): omg
LLBL Vincent (3:44:24 PM): i think I just busted a capillary in my face, thats how hard I just laughed
ilyinfinityplus0 (3:44:29 PM): hahahahahahaha

If you could be anyone, who would you be?

I want some of this confidence back...

to pose as a mannequin

to be in love

to be with the people I love

or to just be crazy and spontanious


and love doing it...




<3

Ok.. so this is a test.

TURN YOUR SOUND DOWN FIRST. Please try your hardest to lack harsh judgement here... this was recorded (I just found out) using the "Sound recorder" button, like under accessories...sooo..yeah. But the point is the heart that went into it, and the VIOLIN ROCKING OUT ON THE WHOLE THING. This is the worship team Im currently singing with on sunday mornings... there is Rob our worship pastor, then this week jess, anna and I were all switching harmony and melody parts depending on the song, then johnny is on electric, peter on drums, andrea on the piano, and dustins on the drums...so its kind of a large production compared to what im used too...ha. But im really proud of the work that goes into it... So if you are patient and listen...(I know, some cringing is unavoidable as its horribely distorted...BUT.) there are some gems in here.... Soo all of that being said, Try and enjoy :)
Im melody here


And one of the harmony parts here

"All my tears"

"It dont matter where you bury me, I'll be home and I'll be free. It dont matter where I lay, all my tears will be washed away..."

Just a good reminder on nights where I am tempted to care more about my own problems then the grace that has gotten me through all of this so far..

I know im going to hate myself tomorrow for writing this, but I cant stop it tonight...

Im starting to wonder if it matters what clothes you buy, or what haircut you get, or how you spend your time, and who you spend it with....if everyone can see the immese sorrow in your eyes. When you walk around as if you've just dropped something of the utmost value into a sewer grate and you cant get it back, no matter how hard you reach...
These waves of emotion always come right when I think im doing better...I try to keep them away, I really do.
At least I know im not manic...C.S Lewis felt the same way...completely insaine amounts of ranting, that never really makes any sense...but hey..lets just let him talk...

"Its not true that Im always thinking about it. Work and conversation make the impossible. But the times when I'm not are perhaps the worst. For then, as though I have forgotten for some reason, there is spread over everything a vauge sense of wrongness, of something amiss. I see the rowan berries reddening and don't know for a moment why they, of all things, should be depressing. I hear a clock strike and some quality it always had before has gone out of the sound. What's wrong with the world to make it so flat, shabby, worn-out looking? Then I remember...

Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened again; the mad words the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare unreality, the wollowed-in tears. For in grief nothing "stays-put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it? How often? Will it be for always? - how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realizedmy loss till this moment'? The same leg is cut off time after time. The first plunge of the knife into the flesh is felt again and again ..

In so far as this record is defense against total collapse, a safety valve, it has done some good. The other end I had in view turns out to have been based on a misunderstanding, I thought I could describe a state, make a map of sorrow. Sorrow however, turns out to not be a state but a process. It needs not a map but a history, and if I dont stop writing that history at some quite arbitrary point, there's no reason why I should ever stop. There is something new to be chronicaled every day. Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. As Ive already noted, not every bend does. Sometimes the suprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago....

Does grief finally subside into boredom tinged by faint nausea?"

I woke up one morning and I discovered that the bond that had allowed me to let someone into my life, to create the person I needed most, the family that I had always wanted, was built on a lie. Nothing was ever the same... Like death, it couldnt be followed, solved, fixed, or pleaded for....it was simply gone, as if it never was. Unlike death however, the memories werent real either....and remembering them hurt more than pretending it never was, because it was all a lie. And tourturously, like an insaine person, I have this ghost that floats in and out of my life, like when you think you see someone you miss so much on the street, or you think you see their car, your heart lurches, bringing back a memory or a thought that was once so good and right, and then it turns toxic...because the person turns around and it isnt them...and the car turns the wrong way...and your left there standing on the sidewalk in pure anguish while the world walks past you, and has no idea why your still standing there.

Except the ghost Im haunted by is real. Looks the same, functions the same. But is dead inside. There is no death certificate, no real cause to mourn that can be seen by the observer. Im alone in my grief.

The only question now is whether to wait on that sidewalk to see the person who looks like him? Just to feel that hope for 2 seconds, and let yourself fall, day after day. Or to never look. Sounds like an easy choice, but if you could talk to your dead, and know that they heard you, even if they never said anything back, would you try?

My mom told me tonight that her dad loved her more than the world, and everyone knew it. But that still wasnt enough to make him stay, he still left her. "Sometimes its just not enough Les, no matter how hard we try. That doesnt make it hurt any less. It doesnt take away the abandonment that you feel, its just the way it is..." I understand her a little more each day, and each day I wish I didnt know her pain...

As bad as it is, I remember that it was much worse. I am getting better. Today I walked by the lake, and I remembered over spring break, holding on to the wall of the hotel pool to keep myself under for as long as possible to see if it was possibley any worse then the suffocating feeling I already had pressing against my chest...it wasnt nearly as bad..at least I had control of it...

I dont have control of these tears though..not tonight. At least I know that these waves of grief are normal... I just wish I had picked a problem to solve that wasnt people...its so painful, and it never stops, and after years of giving yourself, and trying for everyone around you, you end up having to tell your problems to a webpage because there is no one awake, and no one cares. Not even any of the people who promised they'd always be there.

Neat.

Some more pics.

- The view outside my window...

-My new haircut

-The flower bush outside the house

- Mothers Day

- Some random fun taking pictures

Im actually ok..

Its been 42 hours...no outside contact, no facebook, no Im, no cellphone...no food.
:(

The worst of all of it was 3 hours in the dentists chair though...oh jaw surgery.. how I loathe you.

Well, Clive and I are having a good ole time. And Grace. And God. Yep thats pretty much the extent of my socializing as of late, and I think Im ok with it..Idk we;ll see. I think Im going to eat dinner with my parents tonight. Leave it at a 48 hour fast. We'll see about communications though..Im enjoying the silence.

Off to submit more resumes (cant find the accent mark)

Then Yoga..

odd life I lead...

A new reading experience...

A Grief Observed - C. S Lewis

Did you know, dear, how much you took away with you when you left? You have stripped me even of my past, even of the things we never shared. I was wrong to say the stump was recovering from the pain of the amputation. I was deceived because it has so many ways to hurt me that I discover them only one by one
(61).

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear... At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket
between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says (3).

And so, perhaps, with God.I have gradually been coming to feel that the
door is no longer shut and bolted. Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in
my face?The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for
help may be just the time when God can’t give it:you are like the drowning man
who can’t be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated
cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear (46).

- Its been 30 hours since ive eaten..Im physically rather dead. Im not really punishing myself. But more forcing myself to forget about the things that keep me from dealing with the reality of loss. At least thats the first step i seem to be taking on this little journey of mine. Ive been listening to so many voices for so long, and I need to reorganize. Take my suppliments, of faith and knowlegable readings again, so that I can set my priorities as I want them to be to be fruitful...

Im going to keep praying... thats about all there is in this life Im finding..

We did this song on sunday morning..and I hadnt know anything about it before..but it was so incredable when we sang it, and it was so alive especally with Peter playing..I dont know. I really cant explain the experience. We had 5 people singing, and it felt like we were all sing different parts..but it fit so amazingly....
It was great. Im still not over it...

These are the kinds of things that happen when you are able to open yourself up to new oppertunities...to find yourself where you are, accept the pain, observe it as if its not your own, then act inspite of it. Im convinced. Things keep coming to me right when i need them to, and I know its still hard...I think about it everyday...
But the worlds moving regardless, and on the days I decide to be involved, GREAT things happen.

So..basically, after all this...during all this, still all Ive learned is to get up the next morning...and keep moving in a way that alows you to be fruitful in life.
Im still tryin..