What am I looking for?

I wish I knew. I know the answer wont come during the day… I stay up late trying to find it, to think through all the emotions that I suppress just to make it through the day. But when I'm up this late and I allow myself to think about it, it does something to me. I feel like I'm suffocating. Memories, words, actions, feelings suddenly coarse through me in a way that is physically painful. I’ve thought of myself as so stupid for letting something still get to me after all this time. Especially something that didn't last long at all in course of life. But, for some people a single day can forever affect their life. Right?

I feel as if when I look back at the year during the day, that 5 months of my life should have a black line through them. That because I was living for myself so much, I didn't accomplish a single thing of lasting value. Other days, or probably nights rather, I see a single day on the calendar, or am  reminded of the tiniest moment in time. And it feels so potent and close, that I cant hardly breathe. First because of the shock, of being thrown back into that world, and then because of the realization of how many miles and memories separate me from that time.

The memories are never good. But some days, they are just nothing. They don't hurt anymore…they just confuse me. And its then that I remember that I have no idea who I am.

So what do I want? Well, if I were to explain it tonight I think I would have to say justification? Maybe? I just want someone to tell me that how i feel makes sense. That its normal, and acceptable, and that they  once felt the same. Maybe someone older who was once where I am….but how do I trust enough to find that person? I need someone i already trust, but no one in that category has ever been where I am. Well, that's not true. But, exactly what I want isn't possible, I learned that  a long time ago.

Well, its almost 2 am. And my mouth and head hurt so bad I cant think anymore…heh.

In the morning I will wake up feeling the same, walk to the bathroom mirror and tell myself to get over it, and then with a loud song and a shower, wash away all thoughts of the previous night. Its what works, I just wonder how long Ill have to keep pressing the reset button before the night and the day can function together smoothly, and I am happy in both.