Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
These scars are more real then any smile ever was.
So this is how this starts... I guess you have so many things to say, and no one will hear them, and you get every response except the one you need. And then you find out that people can no longer be your coping mechanism.
So you find something better.
Preferably something you can see the proof of.
And thats all it take.
Interesting place I find myself in.
I dont know what I think of it..
So you find something better.
Preferably something you can see the proof of.
And thats all it take.
Interesting place I find myself in.
I dont know what I think of it..
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Self-Concluded... with a little help from my "friends"
so I know my actions 2 months ago really sucked for all of you.. and i know i destroyed your lives and everything... but ive tried since then... however i realized today that it will NEVER matter.
What Ive said.
1) I pray for you always, and I hope things are going well for you.
Leslie
2) I wish the best for you I hope you always know that
Love you.
Leslie
3) I still pray for you all the time, I wish the best for you.
Love, Les
4) Maybe we have to go backwards to learn enough to go forward.
5)If you ever need anything, please know you can talk to me.
6) Im sorry that youve had to deal with all of this, I hope you have a great weekend.
Responses.
Well the main response was nothing at all... but there were a few words shared.
-Consider yourself out of my life and out of my wedding
-Im sorry but i cant chose you
-What do you want me to do les, all you do is complain to me
- Are you ok? Oh.. sorry (walks out the door)
- I dont know what your talking about.. I do not love you, but im sorry you felt that way.
-I'll be frank here: The impression given is as though not talking to Zack, or not having sex with anyone for a month now should absolve you of any guilt or need to make amends.
-There is a significant difference between people holding you accountable and people trying to hold you accountable. By your reactions, I have a very hard time believing that you're allowing it from anyone.
-I've heard about some of the things you've said to family members, and some friends. They've cut deeply, and have left the ones who love you most hurting greatly. Knowing that those relationships have not been dealt with, I can say with reluctant confidence that there are present issues, that are undoubtedly creating a break in your relationship with God. And I can reasonably believe from the fact that you've lashed out and alienated those who've tried to help, instead of facing the mistakes with humility and openness, that you have not taken a realistic look at the path you've traveled. Oswald Chambers says somewhere that if ever there is a feeling of disconnect between me and God, then there is some point at which I'm not obeying.
-As a friend and mentor, I cannot relegate myself to sympathizing, and what's said is now said, and I do believe that yes, Leslie. You do need to hear it.
Well I did,
heard you all loud and clear (or didnt hear from you at all.)
I going to try to go out with annie tonight...but honestly.
I think im done trying.
Im sorry Kels Lauren Sara and Hillary....
youve tried so hard..
itd be best if everyone just left me alone though...
What Ive said.
1) I pray for you always, and I hope things are going well for you.
Leslie
2) I wish the best for you I hope you always know that
Love you.
Leslie
3) I still pray for you all the time, I wish the best for you.
Love, Les
4) Maybe we have to go backwards to learn enough to go forward.
5)If you ever need anything, please know you can talk to me.
6) Im sorry that youve had to deal with all of this, I hope you have a great weekend.
Responses.
Well the main response was nothing at all... but there were a few words shared.
-Consider yourself out of my life and out of my wedding
-Im sorry but i cant chose you
-What do you want me to do les, all you do is complain to me
- Are you ok? Oh.. sorry (walks out the door)
- I dont know what your talking about.. I do not love you, but im sorry you felt that way.
-I'll be frank here: The impression given is as though not talking to Zack, or not having sex with anyone for a month now should absolve you of any guilt or need to make amends.
-There is a significant difference between people holding you accountable and people trying to hold you accountable. By your reactions, I have a very hard time believing that you're allowing it from anyone.
-I've heard about some of the things you've said to family members, and some friends. They've cut deeply, and have left the ones who love you most hurting greatly. Knowing that those relationships have not been dealt with, I can say with reluctant confidence that there are present issues, that are undoubtedly creating a break in your relationship with God. And I can reasonably believe from the fact that you've lashed out and alienated those who've tried to help, instead of facing the mistakes with humility and openness, that you have not taken a realistic look at the path you've traveled. Oswald Chambers says somewhere that if ever there is a feeling of disconnect between me and God, then there is some point at which I'm not obeying.
-As a friend and mentor, I cannot relegate myself to sympathizing, and what's said is now said, and I do believe that yes, Leslie. You do need to hear it.
Well I did,
heard you all loud and clear (or didnt hear from you at all.)
I going to try to go out with annie tonight...but honestly.
I think im done trying.
Im sorry Kels Lauren Sara and Hillary....
youve tried so hard..
itd be best if everyone just left me alone though...
Friday, September 25, 2009
Fiction Family = my <3 this week. And its all my own :P
This is the darkest day I've seen
I can't find an opening
I've never felt this rage in me
I've never known this anger
I'm feeling like a curse
I feel like I'm getting worse
I'm bored with war in songs
I've been bitter far too long
Come on, prove me wrong
And tell me I'm no loner
And tell me I'm not crazy
Or maybe just a little bit
Maybe just a little bit crazy
But mostly prove me wrong
They're up to something in my head
I can hear them taunting me
Thanks for nothing imagined friends
I can hear you laughing
I'm feeling like a hearse
Like I'm carrying dead hurt
I'm tried of being right
I'm retired from that fight
Hey come on, prove me wrong
I'm feeling like a bomb
Like I'm screwing up my song
It's like I don't belong
With no point in going on
I can't find an opening
I've never felt this rage in me
I've never known this anger
I'm feeling like a curse
I feel like I'm getting worse
I'm bored with war in songs
I've been bitter far too long
Come on, prove me wrong
And tell me I'm no loner
And tell me I'm not crazy
Or maybe just a little bit
Maybe just a little bit crazy
But mostly prove me wrong
They're up to something in my head
I can hear them taunting me
Thanks for nothing imagined friends
I can hear you laughing
I'm feeling like a hearse
Like I'm carrying dead hurt
I'm tried of being right
I'm retired from that fight
Hey come on, prove me wrong
I'm feeling like a bomb
Like I'm screwing up my song
It's like I don't belong
With no point in going on
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
K im getting a little better...
I love Degas.
And Charcoal pencils.
Ok.. now onto homework that doesnt have to be hairsprayed upon finishing..
:D
And Charcoal pencils.
Ok.. now onto homework that doesnt have to be hairsprayed upon finishing..
:D
Monday, September 21, 2009
Listened to Jon Foreman Today...
Only you would know that this was a horrible idea. And you're not there.
Sigh..
Kelsey and I came to an amazing realization yesterday...
Which means he understands what I saw, and he understands why im crying... and best yet... he'll never yell at me for any of it.
God, knows i tried. And thats all that matters.
<3
Sigh..
Kelsey and I came to an amazing realization yesterday...
Kels says:
i think i am okay with myself.. I think that God's my best friend anyways, and i know He's on my team and understands me when the world doesnt.
Kels says:
wow, thats such a cool thought! : )
GOD UNDERSTANDS US NO MATTER WHAT!
ahahaha : D
lavincent2008@pointloma.edu says:
yeah it really is
Kels says:
that just made me so happy
SO happy
wow.. revelation
lavincent2008@pointloma.edu says:
i know
wait
so he realizes that...
i didnt want to
that i just wanted to feel loved
and hes sad for me too?
that just gave me shivers
Kels says:
: D
i feel SO much better
holy crap!
this is amazing!
he knows WHY we do what we do
understands our feelings, why we look at the world the way we do
lavincent2008@pointloma.edu says:
thats so important
Kels says:
this is AWESOME
lavincent2008@pointloma.edu says:
wow
no one else ever does
Kels says:
he understands us more than we understand ourselves, and he's like.. the big guy, you know. he's in charge of the universe, and he loves us more than anyone else, this is great! wow. i'm in awe : ) sorry i'm like flipping out, this is biiiiiig for me. hahaha.
lavincent2008@pointloma.edu says:
me too
imm so excited
Kels says:
: D
lavincent2008@pointloma.edu says:
love you girl
lets not forget this
Kels says:
never ever : D
love you too, i'm so glad we're friends, and that we understand each other<3
lavincent2008@pointloma.edu
me too!
Which means he understands what I saw, and he understands why im crying... and best yet... he'll never yell at me for any of it.
God, knows i tried. And thats all that matters.
There's a river underneath us
It's been looking for truth
There's a river in my veins
It's been looking for you
There's a river in our blood
From my fathers on through
I see you looking for the ocean, honey
There is a river in you
It's deep in your eyes (There is a river)
Deep in your eyes (The river runs)
Deep in your eyes
Deep in your eyes
There is a river in your eyes
I can see your eyes moving
Looking down towards the shore
You've been searching for substance
You've been searching for more
I can see your eyes moving
It had been twisting around
You've been looking for something, honey
That you haven't yet found
It's deep in your eyes (There lies a river)
Deep in your eyes (The river runs)
Deep in your eyes
Deep in your eyes
I see a river
Are you ready to learn?
There is a river in your eyes
There is a river in your eyes
<3
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Today :)
YAY the day at Seaport. :D
Trying on hats... eating ice cream... and cameras dying... oops.
:D
And my awesome necklace and bracelete i spent all night making by braiding shells into cords of hemp...
whew.. but it was fun :D
THENN...
Probably one of the most rediculous convos ever... but for sure my favorite parts:
Him (12:30:21 AM): the frustrated defeated smile
Me (12:30:27 AM): I HATE YOU
Me (12:30:29 AM): ENOUGH ALREADY
Me (12:30:31 AM): GO TO SLEEP
Me (12:30:35 AM): you know i dont like to lose
Him (12:30:43 AM): neither of us do
Him (12:30:50 AM): which is why winning is so great with you!
Him (12:30:55 AM): lunch plz
Me (12:31:04 AM): fine
Me (12:31:08 AM): get mcdonalds
Me (12:31:12 AM): ill send you 10 bucks
Him (12:31:34 AM): wow that wasn't the deal
Me (12:31:45 AM): um.. i never said "lunch with me"
Him (12:31:47 AM): wow
Him (12:31:57 AM): well if you would have won i'd have been there tomorrow to take you to lunch
Him (12:31:58 AM): but i mean
Him (12:32:03 AM): if you want to send me money for mcdonalds fine
Me (12:32:08 AM): OH stop it
Him (12:32:09 AM): sore loser
Me (12:32:10 AM): thats just mean
Him (12:32:14 AM): hahaha
Him (12:32:17 AM):
Me (12:32:18 AM): you know very well i was trying to make it easier
Him (12:32:29 AM): make lunch easier?
Me (12:32:54 AM): no make the fact that you are making up fantasy lunches and promised
Me (12:32:57 AM): promises*
Him (12:33:10 AM): wow
Him (12:33:14 AM): i wish i would have lost now
Me (12:33:18 AM): why?
Him (12:33:26 AM): cause you don't follow through with your bets
Him (12:33:30 AM): if i lost i could have payed up
Him (12:33:40 AM): i was looking at the bet as win win
Him (12:33:44 AM): and super win if i won
Me (12:33:50 AM): fine
Me (12:33:52 AM): you super win
Me (12:33:55 AM): whens lunch
Him (12:34:13 AM): idk when is it?
Me (12:34:23 AM): uhh idk
Him (12:34:34 AM): well that's lame
Me (12:41:54 AM): ugh. its like the cabin all over again...
Me (12:41:57 AM): with the mailbox
Me (12:42:03 AM): that i thought was a moose
Me (12:42:08 AM): or elk or whatever it was
Him (12:42:10 AM): it was i've got your back on that
Him (12:48:58 AM): office
Him (12:49:01 AM): when is it being watched
Me (12:49:04 AM): not a chance
Him (12:49:05 AM): i've been itching for months
Me (12:49:06 AM): you are sleeping
Me (12:49:11 AM): tomorrow
Him (12:49:12 AM): no not right now of course
Him (12:49:35 AM): i can't believe you haven't watched it yet
Me (12:49:55 AM): omg
Me (12:50:01 AM): NIETHER HAVE YOU
Him (12:50:24 AM): lol
Him (12:50:47 AM): well i was waiting to watch it with you of course
Me (12:50:53 AM): haha
Me (12:51:09 AM): sorry i was taking detours to psychiatric wards and hell and such
Him (12:51:26 AM): yeah dante?
Me (12:51:34 AM): um virgil
Me (12:51:34 AM): ?
Me (12:51:36 AM): get it right
Him (12:51:49 AM): virgil is the poet guide
Me (12:51:59 AM): dante wrote it, about virgils trip
Me (12:52:02 AM): OMG LOOK IT UP
Him (12:52:02 AM): no no
Him (12:52:38 AM): bet 2?
Me (12:52:50 AM): your on
Him (12:53:01 AM): virgil takes dante through hell
Me (12:53:16 AM): It is an allegory telling of the journey of Dante through what is largely the medieval concept of Hell, guided by the Roman poet Virgil. In the poem, Hell is depicted as nine Circles of suffering located within the Earth.
Me (12:53:19 AM): k thats it
Me (12:53:23 AM): i perminently quit
Him (12:53:29 AM): i love you
Him (12:53:33 AM):
Me (12:53:38 AM): THEY BOTH WENT
Me (12:53:39 AM): OK?
Me (12:53:42 AM): W'GH'OIHGTH'p
Him (12:53:43 AM): well yeah
Him (12:53:50 AM): you just wanted to be virgil
Him (12:53:51 AM): that's ok
Him (12:53:53 AM): virgil is cool
Him (12:53:57 AM): he rights poems and stuff
Me (12:53:58 AM): stop
Me (12:53:59 AM): making
Me (12:54:00 AM): me
Me (12:54:01 AM): laugh
Me (12:54:02 AM): thats
Me (12:54:03 AM): it
Me (12:54:04 AM): go
Me (12:54:05 AM): to
Me (12:54:05 AM): bed
Me (12:54:06 AM): and
Me (12:54:07 AM): stop
Me (12:54:09 AM): laughing
Him (12:54:09 AM): rate limit inc
Me (12:54:10 AM): at
Me (12:54:10 AM): me
Me (12:54:15 AM): NOT INCOMING
Me (12:54:19 AM): NOT RATE LIMITED
Me (12:54:21 AM): EAT IT
Him (12:54:25 AM): oh i'm gobbling it
Me (12:54:29 AM): DO IT
Me (12:54:30 AM): HOMO
Him (12:54:50 AM): SO homo
Me (12:54:56 AM): YUP
Him (12:55:07 AM): so gay i can hardly function
Me (12:55:28 AM): OMFINGGODIMEDIATEFARKLE
Me (12:55:39 AM): WHY DOES MY LIFE HATE ME
Him (12:55:57 AM): you can be beatrice ok
Me (12:56:04 AM): ewww
Me (12:56:07 AM): not a chance
Me (12:56:12 AM): she was such a loser
Him (12:56:14 AM): wow she's awesome
Me (12:56:18 AM): just siting there waiting
Me (12:56:28 AM): had the feministic qualities of peach
Me (12:56:37 AM): and you KNOW how i feel about peach
Me (12:56:48 AM): the abomination of all GOOD woman traits
Him (12:56:52 AM): princess peach?
Me (12:56:55 AM): umm
Me (12:56:56 AM): yes
Him (12:56:59 AM): she kicks ass
Me (12:57:21 AM): OH GOD HELP ME HELP ME IM STUCK IN THIS CASTLE AND I CANT EVEN JUMP ON MY OWN MUSHROOMS
Him (12:57:30 AM): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6GmeXTZuqo
Him (12:57:33 AM): peach kickin ass
Him (12:57:35 AM): ^
Me (12:57:46 AM): seriously... her only words in the whole game = "help me help me"
Him (12:58:13 AM): woah woah
Him (12:58:17 AM): that was pre-peach
Him (12:58:23 AM): you're speaking of princess toadstool
Him (12:58:30 AM): that was before she went to badass school
Me (12:58:54 AM): well im sorry that i game OLDSCHOOL
Me (12:59:06 AM): nevermind... false.
Me (12:59:12 AM): YOU'RE the abomination
Him (12:59:26 AM): see look you're beatrice
Him (12:59:28 AM): she's awesome
Him (12:59:59 AM): i'm really just pushing this so i can get a new nickname hooked and locked
Him (1:00:51 AM): ya knw?
Me (1:01:24 AM): k
Me (1:01:26 AM): you anger me
Me (1:01:58 AM): because i have had substantial wit, humour and all around badassery in this convo... and well.. you KEEP DEMOLISHING IT WITH YOUR OBNOXIOUSNESS
Him (1:02:10 AM): woah woah it hasn't gone unnoticed
Him (1:02:30 AM): besides it's obviously a nickname for myself
Him (1:02:35 AM): dante
Him (1:02:41 AM): cause dante is a badass name
Him (1:02:55 AM): beatrice = dante's ideal vision of a woman
Him (1:02:59 AM): booyah well played sir
Me (1:03:42 AM): beatirce is an ugly ass name
Him (1:03:46 AM): omg
Me (1:03:47 AM): and dante was a tool
Him (1:03:50 AM): it isn't a nickname for you
Add that and chocolate cupcakes and ghetto dancing and I had a pretty sweet night :D
much <3
Trying on hats... eating ice cream... and cameras dying... oops.
:D
And my awesome necklace and bracelete i spent all night making by braiding shells into cords of hemp...
whew.. but it was fun :D
THENN...
Probably one of the most rediculous convos ever... but for sure my favorite parts:
Him (12:30:21 AM): the frustrated defeated smile
Me (12:30:27 AM): I HATE YOU
Me (12:30:29 AM): ENOUGH ALREADY
Me (12:30:31 AM): GO TO SLEEP
Me (12:30:35 AM): you know i dont like to lose
Him (12:30:43 AM): neither of us do
Him (12:30:50 AM): which is why winning is so great with you!
Him (12:30:55 AM): lunch plz
Me (12:31:04 AM): fine
Me (12:31:08 AM): get mcdonalds
Me (12:31:12 AM): ill send you 10 bucks
Him (12:31:34 AM): wow that wasn't the deal
Me (12:31:45 AM): um.. i never said "lunch with me"
Him (12:31:47 AM): wow
Him (12:31:57 AM): well if you would have won i'd have been there tomorrow to take you to lunch
Him (12:31:58 AM): but i mean
Him (12:32:03 AM): if you want to send me money for mcdonalds fine
Me (12:32:08 AM): OH stop it
Him (12:32:09 AM): sore loser
Me (12:32:10 AM): thats just mean
Him (12:32:14 AM): hahaha
Him (12:32:17 AM):
Me (12:32:18 AM): you know very well i was trying to make it easier
Him (12:32:29 AM): make lunch easier?
Me (12:32:54 AM): no make the fact that you are making up fantasy lunches and promised
Me (12:32:57 AM): promises*
Him (12:33:10 AM): wow
Him (12:33:14 AM): i wish i would have lost now
Me (12:33:18 AM): why?
Him (12:33:26 AM): cause you don't follow through with your bets
Him (12:33:30 AM): if i lost i could have payed up
Him (12:33:40 AM): i was looking at the bet as win win
Him (12:33:44 AM): and super win if i won
Me (12:33:50 AM): fine
Me (12:33:52 AM): you super win
Me (12:33:55 AM): whens lunch
Him (12:34:13 AM): idk when is it?
Me (12:34:23 AM): uhh idk
Him (12:34:34 AM): well that's lame
Me (12:41:54 AM): ugh. its like the cabin all over again...
Me (12:41:57 AM): with the mailbox
Me (12:42:03 AM): that i thought was a moose
Me (12:42:08 AM): or elk or whatever it was
Him (12:42:10 AM): it was i've got your back on that
Him (12:48:58 AM): office
Him (12:49:01 AM): when is it being watched
Me (12:49:04 AM): not a chance
Him (12:49:05 AM): i've been itching for months
Me (12:49:06 AM): you are sleeping
Me (12:49:11 AM): tomorrow
Him (12:49:12 AM): no not right now of course
Him (12:49:35 AM): i can't believe you haven't watched it yet
Me (12:49:55 AM): omg
Me (12:50:01 AM): NIETHER HAVE YOU
Him (12:50:24 AM): lol
Him (12:50:47 AM): well i was waiting to watch it with you of course
Me (12:50:53 AM): haha
Me (12:51:09 AM): sorry i was taking detours to psychiatric wards and hell and such
Him (12:51:26 AM): yeah dante?
Me (12:51:34 AM): um virgil
Me (12:51:34 AM): ?
Me (12:51:36 AM): get it right
Him (12:51:49 AM): virgil is the poet guide
Me (12:51:59 AM): dante wrote it, about virgils trip
Me (12:52:02 AM): OMG LOOK IT UP
Him (12:52:02 AM): no no
Him (12:52:38 AM): bet 2?
Me (12:52:50 AM): your on
Him (12:53:01 AM): virgil takes dante through hell
Me (12:53:16 AM): It is an allegory telling of the journey of Dante through what is largely the medieval concept of Hell, guided by the Roman poet Virgil. In the poem, Hell is depicted as nine Circles of suffering located within the Earth.
Me (12:53:19 AM): k thats it
Me (12:53:23 AM): i perminently quit
Him (12:53:29 AM): i love you
Him (12:53:33 AM):
Me (12:53:38 AM): THEY BOTH WENT
Me (12:53:39 AM): OK?
Me (12:53:42 AM): W'GH'OIHGTH'p
Him (12:53:43 AM): well yeah
Him (12:53:50 AM): you just wanted to be virgil
Him (12:53:51 AM): that's ok
Him (12:53:53 AM): virgil is cool
Him (12:53:57 AM): he rights poems and stuff
Me (12:53:58 AM): stop
Me (12:53:59 AM): making
Me (12:54:00 AM): me
Me (12:54:01 AM): laugh
Me (12:54:02 AM): thats
Me (12:54:03 AM): it
Me (12:54:04 AM): go
Me (12:54:05 AM): to
Me (12:54:05 AM): bed
Me (12:54:06 AM): and
Me (12:54:07 AM): stop
Me (12:54:09 AM): laughing
Him (12:54:09 AM): rate limit inc
Me (12:54:10 AM): at
Me (12:54:10 AM): me
Me (12:54:15 AM): NOT INCOMING
Me (12:54:19 AM): NOT RATE LIMITED
Me (12:54:21 AM): EAT IT
Him (12:54:25 AM): oh i'm gobbling it
Me (12:54:29 AM): DO IT
Me (12:54:30 AM): HOMO
Him (12:54:50 AM): SO homo
Me (12:54:56 AM): YUP
Him (12:55:07 AM): so gay i can hardly function
Me (12:55:28 AM): OMFINGGODIMEDIATEFARKLE
Me (12:55:39 AM): WHY DOES MY LIFE HATE ME
Him (12:55:57 AM): you can be beatrice ok
Me (12:56:04 AM): ewww
Me (12:56:07 AM): not a chance
Me (12:56:12 AM): she was such a loser
Him (12:56:14 AM): wow she's awesome
Me (12:56:18 AM): just siting there waiting
Me (12:56:28 AM): had the feministic qualities of peach
Me (12:56:37 AM): and you KNOW how i feel about peach
Me (12:56:48 AM): the abomination of all GOOD woman traits
Him (12:56:52 AM): princess peach?
Me (12:56:55 AM): umm
Me (12:56:56 AM): yes
Him (12:56:59 AM): she kicks ass
Me (12:57:21 AM): OH GOD HELP ME HELP ME IM STUCK IN THIS CASTLE AND I CANT EVEN JUMP ON MY OWN MUSHROOMS
Him (12:57:30 AM): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6GmeXTZuqo
Him (12:57:33 AM): peach kickin ass
Him (12:57:35 AM): ^
Me (12:57:46 AM): seriously... her only words in the whole game = "help me help me"
Him (12:58:13 AM): woah woah
Him (12:58:17 AM): that was pre-peach
Him (12:58:23 AM): you're speaking of princess toadstool
Him (12:58:30 AM): that was before she went to badass school
Me (12:58:54 AM): well im sorry that i game OLDSCHOOL
Me (12:59:06 AM): nevermind... false.
Me (12:59:12 AM): YOU'RE the abomination
Him (12:59:26 AM): see look you're beatrice
Him (12:59:28 AM): she's awesome
Him (12:59:59 AM): i'm really just pushing this so i can get a new nickname hooked and locked
Him (1:00:51 AM): ya knw?
Me (1:01:24 AM): k
Me (1:01:26 AM): you anger me
Me (1:01:58 AM): because i have had substantial wit, humour and all around badassery in this convo... and well.. you KEEP DEMOLISHING IT WITH YOUR OBNOXIOUSNESS
Him (1:02:10 AM): woah woah it hasn't gone unnoticed
Him (1:02:30 AM): besides it's obviously a nickname for myself
Him (1:02:35 AM): dante
Him (1:02:41 AM): cause dante is a badass name
Him (1:02:55 AM): beatrice = dante's ideal vision of a woman
Him (1:02:59 AM): booyah well played sir
Me (1:03:42 AM): beatirce is an ugly ass name
Him (1:03:46 AM): omg
Me (1:03:47 AM): and dante was a tool
Him (1:03:50 AM): it isn't a nickname for you
Add that and chocolate cupcakes and ghetto dancing and I had a pretty sweet night :D
much <3
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Im sorry..
I really am. I dont know how to explain to you what I did or why. And I dont want to justify it cause I know it was wrong.
I just wish...
that you would understand that I was at my wits end ok? I really was. And the only that I could think about, because of everything that I had gone through alone in the last year, was that I wanted him to walk back through the door.
Just one more time.
And Im sorry, a lot to myself, but more to everyone else. Im sorry that I gave in. I know that it was all a lie, and it was a game I never should have played.
But in my heart... after all of this..
He came back just one more time.
And for some reason I needed that.
You dont have to worry about it anymore ok? It was all a lie, and I know it, and my friend/ the person I have shared more with then anyone on this earth hates me. And doesnt care.
So you got what you wanted.
And Ive moved on.
So in this game. You win.
But you dont understand... and I will always be the only one who does.
I just wish...
that you would understand that I was at my wits end ok? I really was. And the only that I could think about, because of everything that I had gone through alone in the last year, was that I wanted him to walk back through the door.
Just one more time.
And Im sorry, a lot to myself, but more to everyone else. Im sorry that I gave in. I know that it was all a lie, and it was a game I never should have played.
But in my heart... after all of this..
He came back just one more time.
And for some reason I needed that.
You dont have to worry about it anymore ok? It was all a lie, and I know it, and my friend/ the person I have shared more with then anyone on this earth hates me. And doesnt care.
So you got what you wanted.
And Ive moved on.
So in this game. You win.
But you dont understand... and I will always be the only one who does.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
If you care, please read this.
I dont know what to do anymore.
In the last month Ive:
Been in a psych ward.
Gave everyone one more chance.
Been kicked out of Chrissys wedding.
Been verbally acosted by pretty much everyone who i ever thought cared about me.
Been put on probation at work because of aforementioned hospitalization.
Had 2 nervous breakdowns.
Worked over 140 hours.
Aced every test or quiz ive taken.
Been in 7 different drs. appointments
Had Strep.
Passed out and hit my head hard enough to warrent "concussion" status
Been 2 3 new places.
Learned 2 new skills.
Learned 1 new language.
Slept through 4 classes.
And thats about it. But I seriously dont think I can do this anymore. I have no more strength. I have no "old friends" to run to, everyone has their own lives, or doesnt think im worthy of their time. Same with most of my "not on vacation" family. And I cant talk to anyone here or they will put me back in the hospital.
I cant explain what happened ok? I cant. I dont know anymore. It was a year ago, and all I know is that I was fine the first week of school. And then I stopped fighting, and things started falling apart. Ok? I talked to aaron for 45 minutes tonight and I sobbed uncontrolably the whole time. I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW ANYTHING HAPPENED.
All I know is I NEVER STOPPED, trying to make sure that EVERYONE was ok.
I WAS LIED TO. I'M SORRY.
Please stop hounding me.
I swear to God, no one except my grandparents and my aunt and uncle, have called me just to check on me, without another motive or judgement, since Ive moved here.
I cant do this alone anymore. I need help. I need people to care.
I feel like ive tried. But this is the only outlet I have. IF YOU'RE READING THIS I NEED YOU TO CALL, I NEED YOU TO TRY. Please.
I dont have any energy left.
In the last month Ive:
Been in a psych ward.
Gave everyone one more chance.
Been kicked out of Chrissys wedding.
Been verbally acosted by pretty much everyone who i ever thought cared about me.
Been put on probation at work because of aforementioned hospitalization.
Had 2 nervous breakdowns.
Worked over 140 hours.
Aced every test or quiz ive taken.
Been in 7 different drs. appointments
Had Strep.
Passed out and hit my head hard enough to warrent "concussion" status
Been 2 3 new places.
Learned 2 new skills.
Learned 1 new language.
Slept through 4 classes.
And thats about it. But I seriously dont think I can do this anymore. I have no more strength. I have no "old friends" to run to, everyone has their own lives, or doesnt think im worthy of their time. Same with most of my "not on vacation" family. And I cant talk to anyone here or they will put me back in the hospital.
I cant explain what happened ok? I cant. I dont know anymore. It was a year ago, and all I know is that I was fine the first week of school. And then I stopped fighting, and things started falling apart. Ok? I talked to aaron for 45 minutes tonight and I sobbed uncontrolably the whole time. I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW ANYTHING HAPPENED.
All I know is I NEVER STOPPED, trying to make sure that EVERYONE was ok.
I WAS LIED TO. I'M SORRY.
Please stop hounding me.
I swear to God, no one except my grandparents and my aunt and uncle, have called me just to check on me, without another motive or judgement, since Ive moved here.
I cant do this alone anymore. I need help. I need people to care.
I feel like ive tried. But this is the only outlet I have. IF YOU'RE READING THIS I NEED YOU TO CALL, I NEED YOU TO TRY. Please.
I dont have any energy left.
I,Want.To.Be.Her.
All right.. so check this out...
but first.. if you are a skeptic.. please do the following...
1)Try to sing while you are doing crunches.
2)Try to sing while laying upside down.
3)TRY TO SING WHILE STANDING ON YOUR HEAD.
Not easy??
THEN HOW THE CRAP DOES SHE DO THIS????
(And no Kaz, I do not "want to have Pinks Kids" so leave me alone. bahaha)
I just have no idea how she has so much voice support while UPSIDE DOWN.
And you can tell shes really singing cause shes flat when shes out of air. AHHHH. ok
I'll shut up now.
but first.. if you are a skeptic.. please do the following...
1)Try to sing while you are doing crunches.
2)Try to sing while laying upside down.
3)TRY TO SING WHILE STANDING ON YOUR HEAD.
Not easy??
THEN HOW THE CRAP DOES SHE DO THIS????
(And no Kaz, I do not "want to have Pinks Kids" so leave me alone. bahaha)
I just have no idea how she has so much voice support while UPSIDE DOWN.
And you can tell shes really singing cause shes flat when shes out of air. AHHHH. ok
I'll shut up now.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I <3 This so much :D
Birds on the Wires from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.
Awesome combination of Photography, Creativity, and Music. :D
This is perfect too... because Felisha and I are working on writing a song... maybe I'll look to nature for countermelodic chord progressions???
:D
God is so cool <3
Of COURSE. Id die on the 23rd. Again.
LOL stupid facebook quizzes. but this exchange was pretty hillarious.
Plus EVERYTHING happens on the 23rd.. :D
Ugh Im so tired of being sick. I dont think anything has hurt worse then this strep throat Ive had :/
But the girls have been GREAT. And Ive watched tons of movies and been taken out for lots and lots of slurpees :D
("Now I know what you're thinking, but my clothes arent on backwards..MY HEAD IS. hahaha..used to tell that one to my school kids.. odd they didnt think it was funny either.. ahh no matter, whats your name, Fruithead?) - Lol Meet the Robinsons :D
Plus Felishas been gone this weekend, which I thought was going to suck, but Ive been able to just sleep and be sick, and not feel back about it.
I finally ate real food today, started out with a granola bar, and was actually able to swallow it.. horray! lol.
Now I just have to finish studying for human sexuality, (which is not an easy task, as everytime I open my book there is some picture that sparks someones attention.Such as homosexual gray whales. Yeah Im not kidding.. grrr)
Study some more french - bleck.
And then play ROOK!!! Horray for a good old fashion nazarene card playing party :D
Attempting to feel better, and love despite how hurt my heart is. (Thats what we have God for ey?)
Have a blessed day :D
Leslie Ann
Plus EVERYTHING happens on the 23rd.. :D
Leslie Ann Vincent bahaha perfect. :D
Lauren. Its the 23rd.
Leslie just found out the Death's Time:
Date: March 23 of 2088 at 2:38 pm.
Cause: Failed bunggie jumping
Age: 98 years old
36 minutes ago · Comment · Like / Unlike · Find out your death time
Kirstin Slater -I'm jealous of your death, lol that sounds so morbid. I die being retarded and younger.
27 minutes ago · Delete
Leslie Ann Vincent - haha. oh kirstin. Im sorry :/
The good thing is yours is totally avoidable!! Just leave notes everywhere not to change lightbulbs.
In the bathtub...
:D
24 minutes ago · Delete
Kirstin Slater - haha I guess I better go buy post its. You probably shouldn't be bunggie jumping at 98 years old either. :)
11 minutes ago · Delete
Leslie Ann Vincent - hahah ok, if you make it through the lightbulb mess, then remind me in our old age ok?
lol
7 minutes ago · Delete
Kirstin Slater - lol deal.
8 seconds ago · Delete
Ugh Im so tired of being sick. I dont think anything has hurt worse then this strep throat Ive had :/
But the girls have been GREAT. And Ive watched tons of movies and been taken out for lots and lots of slurpees :D
("Now I know what you're thinking, but my clothes arent on backwards..MY HEAD IS. hahaha..used to tell that one to my school kids.. odd they didnt think it was funny either.. ahh no matter, whats your name, Fruithead?) - Lol Meet the Robinsons :D
Plus Felishas been gone this weekend, which I thought was going to suck, but Ive been able to just sleep and be sick, and not feel back about it.
I finally ate real food today, started out with a granola bar, and was actually able to swallow it.. horray! lol.
Now I just have to finish studying for human sexuality, (which is not an easy task, as everytime I open my book there is some picture that sparks someones attention.Such as homosexual gray whales. Yeah Im not kidding.. grrr)
Study some more french - bleck.
And then play ROOK!!! Horray for a good old fashion nazarene card playing party :D
Attempting to feel better, and love despite how hurt my heart is. (Thats what we have God for ey?)
Have a blessed day :D
Leslie Ann
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I just dont understand!
I feel wonderful really...
Ive never been so sure of myself or where Im going or what I want to do with my life.
Ive never been so ok with myself, and who I am, and been completely content just being alone.
Im doing great in my classes, and Im falling more in love with the Lord and his Grace everyday.
So why do I have to be bombarded everyday with messages that Im so wrong? Why do I have to be called out about the way Im living so often?
Couldnt your understanding of me simply be off? Could it be possible that YOU cant see the whole picture because you havent lived my life??
Why dont you STOP pretending you know everthing for like 3 days, and let someone elses perspective settle in?
Cause you have no idea how much doubt and pain you cause when you dont stop and think before you say things, or jump to conclusions.
MEANWHILE.
Max Lucado is teaching me a thing or two about learning to get over such times in my life, and how to not resort to coping mechanisms, or comfort tools to make it through my anxiety in life. In his book called "Facing Your Giants" he talks about a particular point in Davids life where he overcame.
"The Jebusites pour scorn on David like Satan dumps buckets of discouragement on you:
-You'll never overcome your bad habits.
-Born white trash; gonna die white trash.
-Think you can overcome your addiction? Think again.
If you have heard the mocking David heard, your story needs the word David's has. Did you see it? "Nevertheless" "Nevertheless, David took the strong hold." Wouldnt you love God to write a "nevertheless" in your biography? We all need a nevertheless. And God has plenty to go around. What God did for David he can do for you."
Learning and Overcoming each and every day.
With Love, and the hope of understanding,
Leslie Ann
Ive never been so sure of myself or where Im going or what I want to do with my life.
Ive never been so ok with myself, and who I am, and been completely content just being alone.
Im doing great in my classes, and Im falling more in love with the Lord and his Grace everyday.
So why do I have to be bombarded everyday with messages that Im so wrong? Why do I have to be called out about the way Im living so often?
Couldnt your understanding of me simply be off? Could it be possible that YOU cant see the whole picture because you havent lived my life??
Why dont you STOP pretending you know everthing for like 3 days, and let someone elses perspective settle in?
Cause you have no idea how much doubt and pain you cause when you dont stop and think before you say things, or jump to conclusions.
MEANWHILE.
Max Lucado is teaching me a thing or two about learning to get over such times in my life, and how to not resort to coping mechanisms, or comfort tools to make it through my anxiety in life. In his book called "Facing Your Giants" he talks about a particular point in Davids life where he overcame.
"The Jebusites pour scorn on David like Satan dumps buckets of discouragement on you:
-You'll never overcome your bad habits.
-Born white trash; gonna die white trash.
-Think you can overcome your addiction? Think again.
If you have heard the mocking David heard, your story needs the word David's has. Did you see it? "Nevertheless" "Nevertheless, David took the strong hold." Wouldnt you love God to write a "nevertheless" in your biography? We all need a nevertheless. And God has plenty to go around. What God did for David he can do for you."
Learning and Overcoming each and every day.
With Love, and the hope of understanding,
Leslie Ann
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
You Say..
You say that I am broken. You say that I am used up, that I need help, that I am wrong in everything I feel, say, and think.
I say - You have no idea.
God knows my heart, and so do I. Something that very few people have tried to know.
If anything, you should be jealous of what I see in people. I look for whats best in them, you judge them based on their mistakes.
I have offered you no end of grace. When have you even tried to do such a thing for me?
You say I cant see cause I am in bondage.
But what you dont know is that for once I am free.
And I feel better then I have in a long time.
You can take everything from me, but you cant take my God. And the God that I KNOW, is a loving Grace-filled God. Not the God that you have been showing.
Check your own hearts before you judge mine.
I say - You have no idea.
God knows my heart, and so do I. Something that very few people have tried to know.
If anything, you should be jealous of what I see in people. I look for whats best in them, you judge them based on their mistakes.
I have offered you no end of grace. When have you even tried to do such a thing for me?
You say I cant see cause I am in bondage.
But what you dont know is that for once I am free.
And I feel better then I have in a long time.
You can take everything from me, but you cant take my God. And the God that I KNOW, is a loving Grace-filled God. Not the God that you have been showing.
Check your own hearts before you judge mine.
Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live
many are left half read, covered by the cobwebs on my shelf
and i got a list of laws growing longer everyday
and if i keep plugin away
maybe one day i will perfect myself
oh but all of my labor
seems to be in vain
and all of my laws just cause me more pain
so i fall before you with all of my shame
ready and willing to be changed
own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mold me
with your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me
oh you call me daughter
and you take my blame
and you run to meet me
when i cry out your name
so i fall before you in all of my shame
Lord i am willing to be changed
own me
take all that i am
and heal me
with the blood of the lamb
mold me
by your gracious hand
break me until im only yours
own me
You know not of my journey, so read. but dont judge.
My listenings -
Lyrics to Tidal Wave - Owl City
I wish I could cross my arms, and cross your mind
Cause I believe you'd unfold your paper heart and wear it on your sleeve
All my life I wish I broke mirrors, instead of promises
Cause all I see, is a shattered conscience staring right back at me
I wish I had covered all my tracks completely cause I'm so afraid
Is that the light at the far end of the tunnel or just the train?
Lift your arms only heaven knows, where the danger grows
And it's safe to say there's a bright light up ahead and help is on the way
(Help is on the way, Help is on the way, Help is on the way...)
Help is on the way
I forget the last time I felt brave, I just recall insecurity
Cause it came down like a tidal wave, and sorrow swept over me
Depression, please cut to the chase and cut a long story short
Oh please be done. How much longer can this drama afford to run?
Fate looks sharp, severs all my ties and breaks whatever doesn't bend
But sadly then, all my heavy hopes just pull me back down again
(Back down again, back down again, back down again...)
I forget the last time I felt brave, I just recall insecurity
Cause it came down like a tidal wave, and sorrow swept over me
Then I was given grace and love, I was blind but now I can see
Cause I found a new hope from above, and courage swept over me
It hurts just to wake up, whenever you're wearing thin
Alone on the outside, so tired of looking in
The end is uncertain and I've never been so afraid
But I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope
And that makes me feel brave
My Readings -
Next time your giant comes calling, try a different tactic. Rush your giant with a God-saturated soul. Amplify God and minimize Goliath. Download some of heaven's unsquashable resolve. Giant of rebellion, you aren't entering my home! Giant of unkindness, it might take a lifetime, but you won't conquer me. Giant of anger, conceit, insecurity ... you're going down. How long since you loaded your slingshot and took a swing at your giant?
Too long? Hardly ever? Never? Then David is your model. God called him "a man after my own heart" (Acts 13:22 NIV). He gave the appellation to no one else. Not Abraham or Moses or Joseph. He called Paul an apostle, John his beloved, but neither was tagged "a man after my own heart."
One might read the rest of David's story and wonder what God saw in him. The fellow fell as often as he stood; stumbled as often as he conquered. He stared down Goliath, yet stared at Bathsheba; defied God-mockers in the valley, yet joined them in the wilderness. An Eagle Scout one day. Chumming with the Mafia the next. He could lead armies but couldn't manage a family. Raging David. Weeping David. Bloodthirsty. God-hungry.
A man after God's own heart? That God saw him as such gives hope to us all. David's life has little to offer the unstained saint. Straight-A souls find David's story disappointing. The rest of us find it reassuring. We ride the same roller coaster. We alternate between swan dives and belly flops, soufflés and burnt toast.
We need David's story. Giants lurk in our neighborhoods, too. Rejection. Failure. Revenge. Remorse. We must face them. Yet we need not face them alone. Focus first, and foremost, on God. The times David did, giants fell. The days he didn't, David fell.
In David's good moments, no one was better. In his bad moments, could one be worse? The heart God loved was a checkered one.
Lyrics to Tidal Wave - Owl City
I wish I could cross my arms, and cross your mind
Cause I believe you'd unfold your paper heart and wear it on your sleeve
All my life I wish I broke mirrors, instead of promises
Cause all I see, is a shattered conscience staring right back at me
I wish I had covered all my tracks completely cause I'm so afraid
Is that the light at the far end of the tunnel or just the train?
Lift your arms only heaven knows, where the danger grows
And it's safe to say there's a bright light up ahead and help is on the way
(Help is on the way, Help is on the way, Help is on the way...)
Help is on the way
I forget the last time I felt brave, I just recall insecurity
Cause it came down like a tidal wave, and sorrow swept over me
Depression, please cut to the chase and cut a long story short
Oh please be done. How much longer can this drama afford to run?
Fate looks sharp, severs all my ties and breaks whatever doesn't bend
But sadly then, all my heavy hopes just pull me back down again
(Back down again, back down again, back down again...)
I forget the last time I felt brave, I just recall insecurity
Cause it came down like a tidal wave, and sorrow swept over me
Then I was given grace and love, I was blind but now I can see
Cause I found a new hope from above, and courage swept over me
It hurts just to wake up, whenever you're wearing thin
Alone on the outside, so tired of looking in
The end is uncertain and I've never been so afraid
But I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope
And that makes me feel brave
My Readings -
Next time your giant comes calling, try a different tactic. Rush your giant with a God-saturated soul. Amplify God and minimize Goliath. Download some of heaven's unsquashable resolve. Giant of rebellion, you aren't entering my home! Giant of unkindness, it might take a lifetime, but you won't conquer me. Giant of anger, conceit, insecurity ... you're going down. How long since you loaded your slingshot and took a swing at your giant?
Too long? Hardly ever? Never? Then David is your model. God called him "a man after my own heart" (Acts 13:22 NIV). He gave the appellation to no one else. Not Abraham or Moses or Joseph. He called Paul an apostle, John his beloved, but neither was tagged "a man after my own heart."
One might read the rest of David's story and wonder what God saw in him. The fellow fell as often as he stood; stumbled as often as he conquered. He stared down Goliath, yet stared at Bathsheba; defied God-mockers in the valley, yet joined them in the wilderness. An Eagle Scout one day. Chumming with the Mafia the next. He could lead armies but couldn't manage a family. Raging David. Weeping David. Bloodthirsty. God-hungry.
A man after God's own heart? That God saw him as such gives hope to us all. David's life has little to offer the unstained saint. Straight-A souls find David's story disappointing. The rest of us find it reassuring. We ride the same roller coaster. We alternate between swan dives and belly flops, soufflés and burnt toast.
We need David's story. Giants lurk in our neighborhoods, too. Rejection. Failure. Revenge. Remorse. We must face them. Yet we need not face them alone. Focus first, and foremost, on God. The times David did, giants fell. The days he didn't, David fell.
In David's good moments, no one was better. In his bad moments, could one be worse? The heart God loved was a checkered one.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Thankful for my life tonight...
Two people from Owosso are dead after their car rolls over in a swampy area. Shiawassee County sheriff's deputies haven't identified the victims yet, but say they are two people in their early fifties. It happened just before 7am on Pittsburg Road just east of Gale Road in Shiawassee County. Deputies say for some reason the car swerved off the road, overturned and landed upside down in a swampy area. The vehicle then became filled with water up to its tires. The official cause of death is not known and an investigation continues.
*Please Pray for these families*
Today is exactly two years after I got in this exact same accident, on the exact same curve of pittsburg rd. Except trees kept my car from rolling, and i climbed out a back window. There really wasnt any reason i didnt die that night... I was going fast enough.. and the circumstances were bad enough, but i came out of it uninjured.
By Gods Grace.
Between this and my own circumstances as of late, ive begun to understand (or try to at least) How far Gods grace really reaches...
Honestly, Im too beaten down and tired tonight to have words of my own... but amazingly God knows my heart. And once someone felt as I do. So there are still words to be had.
"My heart exaults in the Lord,
my strength is exalted in my God.
My mouth derides my enemies,
because I rejoice in my victory.
There is no Holy One like you
no one besides you
there is no Rock like our God"
1st Samuel 2:1&2
"Hannahs Prayer"
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