rain.

Oh rain where have you been?
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Running in the rain does so many things:
Hides my tears.
Blinds me enough that I can pretend I'm running to any of the many places I wish I was.
No one in CA is outside when it rains, so when I collapse from exhaustion and complete inability to go on, no one calls an ambulance.

I swear as long as it kept raining I could have ran home. But then, I remembered what it felt like for my body to be dying.. not emotionally, but physically, I started coughing so hard again, and just couldn't bear to make my family deal with me in the hospital again. So I started home.

Culmination of my break down? I dont understand how to be in love with a God who forgives people like that. And im not sure how to start again.

A God who lets them go on wrecking other peoples lives, and when I finally get rid of them. That type of person is suddenly introduced back into my life, to deal with on a daily basis.

Meanwhile, me and everyone I love have to go through life thinking how much better it would be if the people we love weren't gone for no earthly or sensical reason.

This unfair world where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, where the most successful people are those who never look over their shoulders to notice the suffering of anyone else.

Truthfully,
I was doing fine with it for the most part, until I had to give up surrendering myself. Throwing all my shit on one person semi-annually was therapeutic in the fact that it never affected anyone but me. Not having any room for weakness in my life is literally killing me.

I dont understand. I want to be doing better. I dont want to be weak. But some nights, God, I just dont understand anything.