Its the turnover. The flip. The catapult even, from what was, into what is. And for me this has never made any sense. Whether it was disease or deception, the product in my life has always been the same. I end up missing something that was never truely real. Why doesnt it make any sense to any of you?????? Cant you see that im sick and afraid? For almost 10 years, its been the same thing, I see a glimpse of real, and I get so excited I throw myself at it, I want it, I soak it up, Im addicted to it. Because I cannot believe that i finally have what I never thought Id get. Security, truth, honesty.
Do you know how it feels to miss something that was fake? I sit here and run so much of my life through my head, at time warping speeds, I get flashes and bits and pieces of memories, and life, and truth and then I open my eyes. And its all gone, is disorienting actually, I have to make myself a timeline of what happened to get me where I am now. IM SO TIRED OF IT. My mother, my best friend, the love of my life. 2 sets of blue eyes one set of brown. I see them and my heart aches so much I cant even stand it anymore, I dont want to remember that they are gone. I remember hugs, laughs, a hand to hold and love...Im not retarded I know it was real when it all happened.. yet It was all RIPPED AWAY BY THINGS I COULD NOT CONTROL. Pain from the past living surfacing in the now, in the today, affecting their relationships with me, WHEN ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS FIX IT.
Somehow I forgot over and over again, Id fall back into it, believing that what I felt was real and stable, only to walk into it like a blind animal...seriously....how do I do this over and over..HOW DO I FORGET THAT IT WONT EVER REALLY BE THERE FOR GOOD.
Whether she doesnt remember having the conversation, or he was to mad to hear me say stop, or you were to broken and shut down to listen when i told you what was best for you. And that everyone promised NOT to do it to me. IT DOESNT MATTER ITS ALLWAYS GONE.
So they are mad I wont talk to them, hes mad I wont trust him, your mad I shut you out...WHY DOESNT ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT I CANT DO THIS AMYMORE??? I cant feel secure, because as soon as I do, its followed by that feeling of the floor dropping out from underneith me.
Theres only one tell tale sign of when its all going down. Its those eyes, any eyes, I CAN SEE IT, I KNOW WHEN ITS HAPPENING, the light goes out. I cant do this over the phone or letters or e-mails or AIM anymore...because i cant see anything coming.
And I cant be blindsided again.
IS ANYONE STILL OUT THERE...I swear I can hear my voice echoing off of empty walls...Its not fair...YOU ALL KNOW I WAS REAL, YOU ALL KNOW IM STILL HERE. YOUR MEMOIRES ARE REAL.
What do I have to believe in anymore?
You want me to make sure there is someone there to take care of you. huh, funny. Who did anyone leave ME with?
you all resent my anger, and are angry at my resentment, and block my pain, and my bitterness, and refuse to deal with it until im not so dramatic.
Funny thing is, your on 3 different sides, and all of you are saying the exact same things.
Well I can thank God for one thing. None of you are here to see me like this...
This is my cry I guess..for something real..If any of you have a desire to be real..you know how to get ahold of me.
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