A Feminist Rant, a Dedication to Those Who Have Gone, and a Visit From Mr. Lewis...

I'm so sick of this. This is the only place or time in my life where I wish I was completely alone in how I felt, because that would mean that other girls were spared the kind of pain that I have gone through. But I am fairly certain that all girls 11 years of age, should be forced to take a "You are better than this" class.

Im sick of having my friends come to me at the end/breaking point of a relationship, and have a conversation with me about how empty they feel inside. Then reaching back a little ways in the relationship to discover the point of "giving up" the point where fighting the constant battle of purity and their boyfriends, simply did not become worth it anymore. I mean really its completely exhausting, because we are fighting against the world.

At one point in a recent conversation, it was expressed like this;
"Seriously, its such a game, I mean you have date after date where you just try to have fun, but the last date is weighing on your mind, and the only reason you have to be pushing his hand away, is the fact that "you want to be more" but how petty does that sound? Especially when you have someone continuously telling you that you are "more" to him. So you go through months of a relationship, where this pressure is there, and your trying to hide from all of the other girls that you know, because if they even know you are struggling with it your going to get labeled a "slut", and your boyfriend is sick of you going through the motions, as now you are letting him have what he wants but he can tell you don't even want it, because you aren't trying, and it's "all him". But you think the fight is worth it, until one day you're in the grocery store and you look at a cover of a magazine, and realize that even standing in line, your boyfriend is seeing more of someone else than he ever has seen of you...
So whats the point? Its not that big of a deal, and heck, its for him right, so you go through the motions pretending that this is who you want to be, and pretending to all your Church and Girl - friends that its not what you are, until such a point as you are pretending so much that you have no idea who you actually are, or what you were ever fighting for. It simply becomes the business of "the relationship" one where it is no ones business but your's and his, and its what is necessary to keep your little world stable."

Then when its all over, we discovered, you're left to deal with the "morality" lectures and you feel more and more like crap about yourself, because you've lost so many pieces along the way and no one has ever really cared enough to pick them up for you.

When does this become fair? When is it that a girl who "wants to be more" will have a place in society? I'm not saying that all guys want this for their girlfriends, but i'm saying, that until they allow us to stop feeling like we are competing against every picture/movie/random waitress that walks by, its never going to get any easier...

Oh and in case you thought you were better...Its actually a lot WORSE, when you continuously tell someone they are the world to you, only to do something that proves you never gave a shit to begin with.
But I want to thank those in my life who have done that to me...because as much as I probably won't ever have a stable relationship, at least now I have good chances of earning a substantial salary as a psychologist/book writer on the subject.

From my good friend Clive Staples....
Exactly my point:
"In the first place our warped nature, the devils who tempt us, and all the contemporary propaganda for lust, combine to make us feel that the desires we are resisting are so "natural", so "healthy," and so reasonable. that it is almost perverse and abnormal to resist them. Poster after poster, film after film, novel after novel, associate the idea of sexual indulgence with the ideas of health, youth, normality, frankness, and good humor. Now this association is a lie..."

But about having to hide from everyone else, who is anyone to be judging?
"..The sins of the flesh are bad, but the least bad of all the sins. All the worst pleasures are purely spiritual: the pleasure of putting other people in the wrong, of bossing, and patronizing, and spoiling sport, and back-biting, and pleasures of power, of hatred. For there are two things inside me, competing with the human self which I must try to become. They are the animal self, and the diabolical self. The diabolical self is worse of the two. That is why a cold, self-righteous prig who goes to church regularly may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute. But, of course it is better to be neither."

-C.S Lewis "Mere Christianity"