Oh what to look forward to...

en·do·sym·bi·ot·ic


“ You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.
— Bob Marley

Yes, im aware there are only 2 halfs of me...thats the point.

1/2 of me wants to scream this -

Oh, oh, oh, you lie
Tell me something more than what you tried to hide
If you can't find yourself, then how can I expect to find you.
Oh, oh, oh, you cry
Tell me something more than what you try
The greatest tragedy is not your death
But a life without reason, your life has no purpose
Your life has no reason, your life has no purpose

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

1/2 of me wants to cry this -

Are there no shadows where you are?
I can see everything as day
Problems that you try to hide away
Pushing me aside (You're pushing me aside)

Could the winter calm come twice?
Because your heart seems so cold tonight
Thirst for substance somehow isn't right
It's killing me inside (It's killing you inside)
Killing me inside

I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
something isn't right
something isn't right

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends

Are you so naive to right and wrong
How could you watch innocence forgone
Does what we've done ever really belong?
It wasted me away (I feel so wasted away)

God if you can hear me out alright
Please take these feelings for her inside
My chest hurts when I breathe tonight
It's wasting me away (You're wasting me away)
You're wasting me away

And half of me knows this is what we were doing tonight...(Thats why i made you stop listening)

Not that you're the one
Not to say I'm right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight

But suffice it to say
We're leaving things unsaid
We sing ourselves to sleep
Watching the day lie down instead

And we are leaving some things unsaid
And we are breathing deeper instead

We're both pretty sure
Neither one can tell
We seem difficult
What we got is hard as hell

A hundred thousand words could not quite explain
So I walk you to your car And we can talk it out in the rain

And we are leaving some things unsaid
And we are breathing deeper instead
And we are leaving some things unsaid

I can sing myself to sleep
No more

Not that you're the one
Not to say I'm right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight


~Not everything is exactly how it seems, I just want to walk out to the car in the rain to talk one more time...why does it seem like that would fix everything...
Dont forget the "good" things that Were said.~

Im tired..

Im tired of this. I need people, and I just dont know who im supposed to go to anymore. I feel like everyone in my life has given up on me, and honestly, I have no idea what giving up on ANYONE feels like.
I want to go home. Its the thing that keeps making me cry more than anything. But honestly...I feel exactly like this song.

Oh, and I guess they'll say I've grown
I know more than I wanted to know
I've said more than I wanted to say


I'm headed home
Yea but I'm not so sure
That home is a place
You can still get to by train



So I'm looking out the window
And I'm drifting off to sleep
With my face pressed up against the pane
With the rhythm of my heart
And the ringing in my ears
It's the rhythm of the southbound train

Oh, well the wind starts to look like her hair
And the clouds in her bright blue eyes
As the sea and the shore fall and rise
Like her breast as she breathes by my side
And the moon is her lips as the sun
Is headed on down to the sea
Like her head as she lays down on me
Until we reach ocean side
Over and over I hear the same refrain
It's the rhythm of my heart
And my sleepy girl's breathing
It's the rhythm of my southbound train





Oh, I suppose they'll say I should've known
Or maybe I'm just feeling old
Like a lawyer with no one to blame

I'm headed home
Yeah but I'm not so sure
Home is a place that'll ever be the same

So we're picking up our things
And we head out in the cold
And your eyes are where you carry the pain
When I hear the whistle weeping
It's crying to the skying
It's the rhythm of the southbound train
It's the rhythm of my southbound train

Purple Pants, Punk Shirts, Pleather Leggings, Pant Suits, and Pictures to prove it all :)

Well disney fell through, but maybe tomorrow.
As for today, we needed to go to the mall to order me some glasses, and decided to do a "little shopping" afterwards...ahaha yeah right, but since the glasses cleaned me out, I just decided to take pictures of the most redic. outfits i could put together. (And try not to get caught with a camera in the dressing room.)

All in all, it led to some pretty memorable pics ;)


Yeah those leggings were def. leather, and I wanted 6 of that dress in every dress color there was.


Matching complete ubsurd glasses


I actually bought these, Im not planning on wearing them at the same time. ;)



aahahaha, this hat. I was on the phone with my dad, and this was a VERY spontanious pic.


Teal Pants, and some acid trip shirt


Purple pants with a "Girls saved the world" shirt


Me loving that dress again, I swear if I would have had any money I totally would have bought it.


But seriously, those teal pants were strangly freeing.. :)


One of my personal favorites, a pant suit from Victorias Secret..yes that was all one piece and had a belt.

I had way to much fun...sigh..now apparently we are doing something "Orange County-ish" tonight..hmmm..

ya know?

I can dance... ;)

ohhhhhhh boi..

Sleeping, Ive got DISNEY tomorrow.

Im happy today.

So i left to have some fun...

about 7 hours ago...and had WAY TOO MUCH FUN! ahhhh

kk, so best lines from tonight:

Ericka - "K, so you should be naked right now...actually you should be wearing NEGATIVE clothes" (After I lost 5 games of {well a game where you run a yellow light and have to hit the ceilng and say "sex" therefore it is called, Sex"} in the car, and was only wearing 4 articles of clothing)

Me - *Breaks in to the room and at rediculous speeds starts changing from one shananigan adventure and getting ready for another, while Trisha is watching a movie*
"Ummm, who is that guy and why is Gwenith Paltrow about to have sex with him?"
Trisha - "umm, shes not. And thats William Shakespear"

*after getting into an elevator*
Ericka - uhhh, what floor are we even on
Me - Three I think?
Ashton - "no it definently said 4 on the wall when we walked out"
*Guys in the elevator are staring at us*
Me- "Uhh, well we are on 8 right now"
*Guys walk out*
Ashton - "ohhh, well haha we were just dropping you guys off, ya know..your own personal escorts" *thinks* "oh shit..NO NOT THAT KIND" *elevator door closes*

*As we are walking down the sidewalk desheveled and limping in our heels*
Ashton - "Im gonna pay someone...no wait, first im going to GET SOME CASH! and then im going to pay someone to give me a piggy back ride"

Me - "I am SOO glad my tattoo healed for this, man the last time was RIGHT AFTER i got it and well I..."
Ashton - "OOOOH MYY GOD!! I told like 5 people that story, no Leslie, you dont even understand I was like GUYS GUYS I INVITED HER CAUSE SHES SUCH A BADASS"
Ericka - "Wait what??"
Me - "Yes, since your so good at it please tell this story"
Ashton - "ok okok, sooo 'There is this girl in my writing class, Leslie, and she was like 'Hey guys look I got a tattoo over spring break' and shows us and I was like 'Aww les, thats soo cute' and she was like 'yeah, then we went clubbing and some guy put his hand on my hip AND I ELBOWED HIM IN THE EYE and said 'DONT TOUCH ME ASS HOLE I HAVE A TATTOO'"
Ericka *looks at me curiously*
Me - "Well, it was KINDA like that"

*Guy number one* "Duuuude DO NOT GO IN THAT ROOM! That is NOT the bathroom*
*I look over*
It was the woofer...BAHAHAH TOTAL DANE COOK STYLE

Ashtons Friend "I was at one point literally standing in a circle of creepers thinking 'God, dont touch me, please dont touch me, ok seriously DO NOT touch me' When this guy comes out of nowhere and is like "WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO DANCE WITH MY GIRRLLL" and I was like, 'WOW, dude, you can TOTALLY have my number for that'"

Ashtons Friend again "wow, hes hitting on me, in a txt, I have hated him since i was 11, DO NOT HIT ON ME RIGHT NOW, wow he just said "we should do the thing sometime" 'Really? Wow, what "thing" should we "do" John?"
Me- "txt that EXACT thing back to him, right now,"

MMMM, Infiity pools, loud music, cherry juice, condensation from the ceiling, two trips to DownTown in ONE night, a bowl of Jello and a LOT of friends... I call it good.


Sigh...It was a good night/morning...now I need to go to sleep, It is 324 and I am still up, yet again.. But I will go to sleep happy, that I pulled a Lauren on the dance floor with a *somebody*(mmm??!! cough)
and for once stopped being mad, and got VERY even ;)

Thankyou Stacey for getting "I love college" stuck in my head, I shall sleep to that my friends, I will Sleep to that... :)

WOW!

Thank You EVERYONE for the support. Holy crap I only made that video 18 hours ago, and it already has nearly 170 views on youtube. Im really thinking this could be huge, and Im hoping that lots of people make videos...not to mention that Jon Foreman ACTUALLY COMES! Ahhhhhh :)

(Regardless of how many people (or just one *cough*) tell me that one person cant make a difference...I STRONGLY DISAGREE...and yes Im still upset about that. )

Pet Peeves of the day:
1. Stuck up Poli. Sci. Majors
2. People that cant walk without scuffing their feet.
3. My WRT class
4. Research papers that suck out my life.
5. Parrots (once thought to be a pretty bird, its a lie...they are screeching demons from satan.)

K now im getting off this dang thing and going to have some fun ;)

:) Preview

The fruit of many hours of labor...I have to say, im pretty proud of it.



:)

Work..

- I love this picture -

So... I think that parking a 45 foot bus was probably one of the more interesting things I have done for Pub. Safe. So far...ahahah wow, I dont even know that was pretty rediculous.. I felt bad for the guy, he managed to get himself stuck in one of the lower parking lots...but we got him out...so thats what matters. Between that and the fact that we now sport black baseball caps as part of our uniforms pretty much just makes me look B.A/Completely Like a Man. But hey Im amusing..so thats all that matters...I think the rest of the night will just be me researching/writing like a mad woman...and I think Glen is helping me get a car so I can stay here for the summer?!?!? I dont know what I would do without him I swear....

Wow this song just came on... and it makes total sense.. I feel like I wrote it...

I found the pieces in my hand
They were always there
It just took some time for me to understand
You gave me words I just can't say
So if nothing else
I'll just hold on while you drift away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The cities grow
The rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
Still here

Seeing the ashes in my heart
The smile the widest
When I cry inside and my insides blow apart
I tried to wear another face
Just to make you proud
Just to make you put me in my place
But everything you wanted from me
Is everything that I could never be

The cities grow
The rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here

Maybe tonight
It's gonna be alright
I will get better
Maybe today
It's gonna be okay
I will remember

I held the pieces of my soul
I was shattered and I wanted you to come and make me whole
When I saw you yesterday
But you didn't notice
And you just walked away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The cities grow
The rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
The lights go out, the bridges burn
Once you're gone, you can't return
But I'm still here
Remember how you used to say I'd be the one to runaway
But I'm still here

"The function of music is to release us from the tyranny of conscious thought"

Playing Dead - Reggie and the Full Effect

Time, Twilight, Travel and sTrawberry Jello!!!

IM GOING TO EUROPE PEOPLE! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...Victoria and I are making our lists of things to do while we are there, Im pretty sure hers includes marrying a hot european man, but i think Im ok...for now. Im currently waiting on a vegas marriage that involves a lot of chocolate. BHAHAHA ;)

But seriously Im getting so far in my list these days...with the help of Chris and Victoria and Felisha!!! I think that Seaworld is up next, but that involved money..which comes friday!

So this weekend was awesome... having time to go to movies, and share testimonys, and sleep till 4 and make money, and then go to the tidepools, cabrillo then just ditch campus go get fro yo and plan a summer road trip!!! So amazing. Not to mention the posessed penguin..oops

It was a goodnight overall..
Frankly seeing someone fly across the sidewalk after trying to hop a guardrail (Not the boarder LAUREN haha) was probably the hightlight, (if you are reading this Sir. BiffedItLikeItWasHisTalent...then I apologize for laughing in your face like that)

Tonight my roomate and I had a date watching Twilight, I retold the biffing it story in a way that made everyones night, I made Jello for later, and Ericka is currently making me pasta so that I will do my bible homework.

Until then Im just living the words of Bebo and trying to find reasons to smile :)
(With the help of someone :) )

Have I become a soul so numb
All too familiar
Words of gold have all grown cold
Over and over

I need to see you in the sunrise

Time takes its toll on us
And it tries its best just to steal our love
And we bend and we break but we don't give up
Time takes its toll on us

From the start you touched my heart
And turned it in to something more
Beautiful, you're beautiful
So why does it have to be so hard

To see you in the sunrise

Time takes, time takes away
Love remains, love remains

It was two way..I needed you too.

On certain days you needed me. Ive always been there. I need you now. Where are you? This would be how you prove you actually care. If you can find it anywhere in you, please just reach out. I just need a hello.

yay, this is why God brought me YOU : )

Patron Saint..Are we all lost on you?

I dont even care if anyone reads it anymore...

Ive been sitting here thinking about the fact that nothing I write here is going to make a difference. It can be deleted in a moment, or ignored, or scanned and deemed as unimportant, and frankly...Im not writing it for anyone but me. So who cares.

Its the turnover. The flip. The catapult even, from what was, into what is. And for me this has never made any sense. Whether it was disease or deception, the product in my life has always been the same. I end up missing something that was never truely real. Why doesnt it make any sense to any of you?????? Cant you see that im sick and afraid? For almost 10 years, its been the same thing, I see a glimpse of real, and I get so excited I throw myself at it, I want it, I soak it up, Im addicted to it. Because I cannot believe that i finally have what I never thought Id get. Security, truth, honesty.
Do you know how it feels to miss something that was fake? I sit here and run so much of my life through my head, at time warping speeds, I get flashes and bits and pieces of memories, and life, and truth and then I open my eyes. And its all gone, is disorienting actually, I have to make myself a timeline of what happened to get me where I am now. IM SO TIRED OF IT. My mother, my best friend, the love of my life. 2 sets of blue eyes one set of brown. I see them and my heart aches so much I cant even stand it anymore, I dont want to remember that they are gone. I remember hugs, laughs, a hand to hold and love...Im not retarded I know it was real when it all happened.. yet It was all RIPPED AWAY BY THINGS I COULD NOT CONTROL. Pain from the past living surfacing in the now, in the today, affecting their relationships with me, WHEN ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS FIX IT.
Somehow I forgot over and over again, Id fall back into it, believing that what I felt was real and stable, only to walk into it like a blind animal...seriously....how do I do this over and over..HOW DO I FORGET THAT IT WONT EVER REALLY BE THERE FOR GOOD.
Whether she doesnt remember having the conversation, or he was to mad to hear me say stop, or you were to broken and shut down to listen when i told you what was best for you. And that everyone promised NOT to do it to me. IT DOESNT MATTER ITS ALLWAYS GONE.
So they are mad I wont talk to them, hes mad I wont trust him, your mad I shut you out...WHY DOESNT ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT I CANT DO THIS AMYMORE??? I cant feel secure, because as soon as I do, its followed by that feeling of the floor dropping out from underneith me.
Theres only one tell tale sign of when its all going down. Its those eyes, any eyes, I CAN SEE IT, I KNOW WHEN ITS HAPPENING, the light goes out. I cant do this over the phone or letters or e-mails or AIM anymore...because i cant see anything coming.
And I cant be blindsided again.
IS ANYONE STILL OUT THERE...I swear I can hear my voice echoing off of empty walls...Its not fair...YOU ALL KNOW I WAS REAL, YOU ALL KNOW IM STILL HERE. YOUR MEMOIRES ARE REAL.
What do I have to believe in anymore?


You want me to make sure there is someone there to take care of you. huh, funny. Who did anyone leave ME with?
you all resent my anger, and are angry at my resentment, and block my pain, and my bitterness, and refuse to deal with it until im not so dramatic.
Funny thing is, your on 3 different sides, and all of you are saying the exact same things.
Well I can thank God for one thing. None of you are here to see me like this...



This is my cry I guess..for something real..If any of you have a desire to be real..you know how to get ahold of me.

I absolutely love this version...

(The Clips are from the OC apparently, I never watch it, but it was the only good cut of the song, and it kinda protrays what Greg Laswell was trying to do here.)

This is beautiful...

I wish life at the airport was like this..

Life Is For Sharing!

There are no bruises...doesnt mean it doesnt hurt like hell...

I hate to be the one
Who's given up
And feels that all our hope is gone
But what I thought was a miracle
Just turned into the same old
Problem that it was

She longs for better days
She's always been afraid


It's a shame, oh it's a shame
That you are throwing your whole life away
It's a shame, oh it's a shame
I wonder if you're ever going to change
It's a shame

Ever since I can recall
She has been so afraid
Of you losing it all
What do you want?
Do you even know?
And is it worth the pain?
We all have to endure

She longs for better days
She's always been afraid

You left her without leaving
You hit her without swinging
You took away without giving a thing
Except for pain and sorrow
I'm praying that tomorrow
You will open up your eyes and see

Love Note To No One....

Why was real and true not enough?
Why did getting close to me push you farther away?
Why was being authentic and open too scary?
Why was forgivness something to be feared?

I had always taken you as you were, and I wanted nothing but to help...

I saw you there, I saw your eyes, even when you couldnt see yourself. For years and years, I watched it change back and forth...I watched you come and go... in and out of what was real to what was afraid. I saw the truth in your eyes, but only when they met mine. The truth is there, but I cant see it anymore, its mearly a memory of what was..

I wanted to save you.
Now i know ive failed...and all I can do is walk away. Your eyes have left me, and as they will never meet mine again, I fear you may lose yourself as well...

Please Dont.

I cant even talk anymore, all I can do is listen and watch...

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

: ' ( My numbness

What if there was no light
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

Refr:
Oooh, that's right
Let's take a break, try to put it aside
Oooh, that's right
I can't ignore it if you won't even try
Oooh, that's right

When every step that you take
Can be your biggest mistake
And it could bend, or it could break
Well that's just the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

Refr.

Oooh, that's right
Let's take a break, try to put it aside
Oooh, that's right
[Unknown]
Oooh, that's right

"Rescued"

Rescued"

Two to one
Static to the sound of you and I
Undone for the last time
And there this was
Hiding at the bottom of your
Swimming pool some September
And don't you think
I wish I could stay
Your lips give you away

I can hear it, the jet engine
Through the center of the storm
And I'm thinking I'd
Prefer not to be rescued

Two to none
Roads that lead away from this
I'm following myself just this once
And I've got spun
It appears you're spun as well
It happens when you pay attention
This could take all year, but

When it's quiet, does she hear me?
Jettisoned to the center of the storm
And I'm thinking I
Prefer not to be rescued
Oh, I can feel her, she's dying
Just to keep me cool
I'm finally numb, so please
Don't get me rescued... rescued...

And it's unclear
But this may be my last song
Oh, I, I can tell
She's raising hell to give to me
She got me warm
So please don't get me rescued
Oh, say you'll miss me one last time
I'll be strong, but whatever you do
Please don't get me rescued...

'Cause I'm feeling like
I might need to be near you
And I feel alright, so please
Don't get me rescued...

I just dont know...

How do these things end up the way they do, especally when no one really means for them to? How are you supposed to let yourself fall asleep, waking up every morning with a five second stage of confusion where you have to decern weither what you were dreaming was the nightmare or if the real problem is in waking up at all.
Sometimes im just so confused with the way everyone else feels, I dont even know what I feel myself, except for really really broken.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE OK WITH THE ONLY MISTAKE I EVER MADE BEING LOVING SOMEONE!
Ugh, Everyone hates me for that.. WHY IS THAT SO WRONG???
This is my goal, to not be open with anyone ever until they marry me..they will have to love me as a cold hard bitch first. then they will be plesantly suprised.

Im tired of everything and I just want to make SOMEONE happy again, like seriously, anyone.
I think its funny when people say im throwing myself a pity party, I actually feel worse everyone who has to deal with it..

Oh well, my best friend will always make me happy, if theres nothing else here to be happy about.. I cant really get any worse...theres nothing left to be afraid of...so basically all I have to do is make it through this and nothing else will be worse.

* This is my offical promise to myself that I WILL get through this, and as Felisha says "will be such a strong person because of it" ..I sure hope your right..*