A new reading experience...

A Grief Observed - C. S Lewis

Did you know, dear, how much you took away with you when you left? You have stripped me even of my past, even of the things we never shared. I was wrong to say the stump was recovering from the pain of the amputation. I was deceived because it has so many ways to hurt me that I discover them only one by one
(61).

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear... At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket
between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says (3).

And so, perhaps, with God.I have gradually been coming to feel that the
door is no longer shut and bolted. Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in
my face?The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for
help may be just the time when God can’t give it:you are like the drowning man
who can’t be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated
cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear (46).

- Its been 30 hours since ive eaten..Im physically rather dead. Im not really punishing myself. But more forcing myself to forget about the things that keep me from dealing with the reality of loss. At least thats the first step i seem to be taking on this little journey of mine. Ive been listening to so many voices for so long, and I need to reorganize. Take my suppliments, of faith and knowlegable readings again, so that I can set my priorities as I want them to be to be fruitful...

Im going to keep praying... thats about all there is in this life Im finding..

We did this song on sunday morning..and I hadnt know anything about it before..but it was so incredable when we sang it, and it was so alive especally with Peter playing..I dont know. I really cant explain the experience. We had 5 people singing, and it felt like we were all sing different parts..but it fit so amazingly....
It was great. Im still not over it...

These are the kinds of things that happen when you are able to open yourself up to new oppertunities...to find yourself where you are, accept the pain, observe it as if its not your own, then act inspite of it. Im convinced. Things keep coming to me right when i need them to, and I know its still hard...I think about it everyday...
But the worlds moving regardless, and on the days I decide to be involved, GREAT things happen.

So..basically, after all this...during all this, still all Ive learned is to get up the next morning...and keep moving in a way that alows you to be fruitful in life.
Im still tryin..